Who Killed Ole Yeller? A Play in One Mysterious Act.

***NOTE: Thanks to SM at The Confluence for inspiring this one. As you can see, I’m over my qualms. You are brilliant, SM!

THE SCENE: An old-fashioned parlor out of Agatha Christie, with sofas, chairs, a fireplace, porcelains on the mantel, etc. HILLARY CLINTON, wearing a yellow pantsuit, is standing center stage. Seated are NANCY PELOSI, BARACK OBAMA, DONNA BRAZILE and HOWARD DEAN. Standing in the corner with arms folded is Obama’s right-hand man, DAVID AXELROD.

HILLARY: All right everyone, you know why we’re here. A crime has been committed, and it’s a very serious one. I figured we are all suspects, so we might as well get our stories straight.

OBAMA (sullenly): Well, it wasn’t me.

AXELROD: Barack – take it easy. Remember – Unity, hope, change! [OBAMA rolls his eyes.]

BRAZILE [faux-fended]: For Pete’s sake, Hillary, what the hell am I doing here? I’m neutral! How could I be guilty? Don’t you know I work for CNN?

[Brief pause]

ALL except BRAZILE: HAHAHAHAHA! [BRAZILE glares at everyone, then slowly breaks into a grin and laughs along with them]

HILLARY [wiping her eyes]: Whew! Thanks for the laugh, Donna. That really broke the ice! [returning to seriousness] Okay, are we ready to get down to business?

PELOSI [with a stern look at the others]: Go ahead, Hillary. We’re ready.

HILLARY: Thank you, Madame Speaker. [takes out a police report and scans it while speaking] All right now, as we know, Ole Yeller, the Yellow Dog Democrat, died sometime during the primary season. The voters aren’t sure when it happened, but they know he’s gone to another, more Independent place. He’ll never vote straight Democrat again. A moment of silence for poor Ole Yeller, if you would.

[ALL bow their heads.]

HILLARY [sighing and resuming her spiel]: Right at this moment, things are looking pretty grim for our Party because of Ole Yeller’s death. We can’t bring him back to life, but maybe if we figure out how he died, we can persuade the voters to get a replacement. A New Yeller, if you will. [The others groan.]

OBAMA: Jeez, Hillary, can’t you get to the point a little faster?

HILLARY [muttering]: Amateur. [PELOSI snorts in agreement.]

DEAN: Obama’s right. Let’s just start talking about how none of us could have done it, then we’ll all blame Hillary and go home. Deal? [HILLARY shakes her head with a little half-smile, then sits down by the fireplace.]

BRAZILE: That’s a great idea, Howard! I’ll go first. [stands up, begins pacing the room dramatically] Of COURSE I couldn’t have done it. I mean, no one knows better than me how to win over Democrats. Look at my record! Every Presidential candidate I’ve worked with has won! [grins triumphantly, arms out]

AXELROD [crossing to BRAZILE]: Uh, Donna, you might want to check that statement. You’ve chalked up more losses than wins in your column, unless you’re seriously claiming that Dukakis, Jesse Jackson, Gephardt and Gore all became President? [Donna’s grin falters, and she sits down sheepishly] Oh yes, you definitely could have done it…unlike me. Look at my incredible record running campaigns and working for Democratic politicians. I got Deval Patrick elected, and then, of course, Barack. I could not be more innocent. Ole Yeller loved me and my candidates!

PELOSI [standing]: Ha! Your [sarcastic] brilliant campaign made a lot of women very angry. I know because they kept calling me. [imitating the callers] “Why does Obama call women ‘sweetie’ and offer to kiss them for votes? Why doesn’t he say something about all the misogyny from his supporters and surrogates? What was that stuff about being periodically down?” Blah blah blah. They’re a bunch of whiners, but they do have a point. So don’t tell me about how you couldn’t have killed that dog. You’re just as guilty as Donna here.

OBAMA: [standing] And what about you, Nancy?

PELOSI [bristling]: That’s Speaker Pelosi to you.

OBAMA [smiling]: My apologies, Madame Speaker. [PELOSI is somewhat mollified. Of course, it’s hard to tell because of the Botoxed frozenness of her face.] But my question remains, what about you? Thanks to your inability to get us out of Iraq, Congress’ “good to excellent” approval rating is 9%. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right guys? [THE MEN ALL SNICKER. HILLARY glares at Obama until he stops laughing.] Uh, anyway, looks like you’re not so innocent either.

PELOSI [dignified]: Fine. I’ll admit that I’m not a saint. But Senator Obama, can you do the same?

OBAMA [offended]: Who, me? Are you kidding? I AM the Democratic Party! I moved the DNC to Chicago! I’m Obama for America! And besides, everyone loves me. Yes, I can!

HILLARY [unable to keep silent]: Oh, for god’s sake, Barack, you don’t believe your own propaganda, do you? Save it for your deluded worshipers in the blogosphere!

AXELROD [aside to Obama]: Yeah, Barack. I told you that most of those [makes air quotes with his hands] “anonymous supporters” work for me anyway.

OBAMA [ignoring AXELROD, sneering at HILLARY]: Oh please, woman, like you have the right to tell me what to do! I am the nominee! I won! I’m going to be nominated in a giant football stadium in front of 76,000 screaming fans – I mean, Party members! I’ll win without you and your voters! Who needs those Bubbas, anyway?

DEAN [scratching his head]: Uh, Barack? You know, a lot of people think Ole Yeller was a Bubba. You’re acting like you sure hated him. Maybe you ARE the killer!

[BILL CLINTON enters.]

BILL: Did I hear someone say Barack killed Ole Yeller? Well, forgive me for being just a dumb country boy from Arkansas, but it seems to me you’re all guilty. Donna, you changed the DNC rules to disenfranchise Florida and Michigan, but not states you thought Barack would win. Howard, you let her do it. Axelrod, you’re just creepy with all that cult worshiping stuff, the Bush-style campaigning and the astroturfing. And Nancy? Well, I feel kinda sorry for you because you got ol’ Steny undermining you every step of the way, but you sure didn’t help Ole Yeller much – and the buck stops with you.

OBAMA: Oh, come on now. Like you’re an impartial observer, Bill? This is – just – inartful, even for you.

BILL [getting red in the face and pointing]: Listen here, you ungrateful little Chicago punk. If it wasn’t for me – the only two-term Democratic President in this room, by the way – you would be nowhere, man. I raised Ole Yeller. I made him think we Democrats cared about him. I fed him, I stayed up with him at night when he was sick, and I made sure he stayed with me instead of going to Bush’s or Dole’s house. By the time I was done with Ole Yeller, it looked like he’d live forever – or at least another eight years!

You guys were the ones that screwed it up. You showed Ole Yeller you didn’t care about him. After eight years of Bush destroying everything he loved, he finally died – of a broken heart.

[EVERYONE but HILLARY starts yelling at BILL and each other. BRAZILE and PELOSI start throwing porcelains at each other. DEAN starts screaming “Chicago sucks! Yeeeearrrrgh!” at AXELROD.]

[HILLARY stands up and walks over to BILL. She shakes her head and takes his hand.]

HILLARY: I wonder if they’ll ever understand what happened to that poor dog? Come on, Bill, let’s get out of here. [exiting] Maybe in 2012, we can get the Party a puppy!

[LIGHTS OUT]