The Mother Of Us All: A Play in One Condescending Act.

THE SCENE: NANCY PELOSI’s office. Like her home, it is tastefully furnished in pastels. Comfy chairs are placed strategically around her desk. PELOSI is sitting behind it, looking at her computer screen and humming slightly.

[A knock is heard at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in!

[HOWARD DEAN, HARRY REID and DONNA BRAZILE enter.]

PELOSI [smiling]: Hi, everyone! How’s everything going? Is all well with Obama for America?

DEAN: Oh, absolutely, Nancy! That trip to Europe and the Middle East has the media creaming its collective pants.

BRAZILE: Oh, HELL yeah. Man, you should see the photo-ops our future President has been getting!

REID [muttering]: Yeah – too bad we can’t tape his mouth shut.

PELOSI [sweetly]: What was that, Harry dear?

REID [sighing]: Nothing, Nancy. Anyway, the reason we’re here –

PELOSI: Let me guess – PUMA?

[ALL FOUR SIGH SIMULTANEOUSLY. REID, DEAN AND BRAZILE sit down dispiritedly.]

DEAN: Nancy, we just don’t know what to do.

BRAZILE: We’ve tried telling them we don’t need them and to get over it –

REID: We’ve tried ignoring them –

DEAN: Nothing is working! They STILL say they won’t vote for President Obama!

PELOSI [soothingly]: Now, now, everyone calm down. All they’re looking for is a little reassurance that we respect and honor them. [rising] No offense, but I think what you need is a more motherly approach.

BRAZILE: I KNEW we came to the right place! Harry, I can’t believe you didn’t want to ask her.

REID [exasperated]: Jesus, Donna! The important thing is, we’re here now. So, Nancy, what do you suggest?

PELOSI [sitting back down behind her desk]: Come back in 15 minutes. I promise you won’t be disappointed. [PELOSI, BRAZILE AND REID file out of the office.]

[FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS. Another knock at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in, everyone!

[BRAZILE, DEAN AND REID come in and sit down expectantly.]

DEAN: Well, Nancy, what have you got for us?

PELOSI: Check it out! [rising, clearing her throat, pacing while reading]

“Dearest PUMAs,

Please do not worry about a thing. All your concerns will be addressed once President Obama has taken office. You should emulate that paragon of patriotism, Britney Spears, and just trust us with the future of your country. After all, we have done such a great job with our majority since 2006!

As for the Vice Presidentship, that is President Obama’s decision, not yours. I hate to be stern with you, because we really value your unquestioning support, but you realize that we are in charge and not you, don’t you? I mean, it’s not like it would really matter anyway. Hillary is yesterday’s news. We are moving forward into a new, post-partisan, unicorn-filled future with our young, handsome, charming rockstar candidate!

So why don’t you all just give up and let us do whatever we want? Resistance is futile, and you will be assimilated.

Love and kisses,

Grandma Pelosi”

[PELOSI stops, and waits expectantly. DEAN, BRAZILE and REID sit in stunned silence. Then, happy, relieved smiles break over their faces.]

BRAZILE: Damn, Nancy, that was fantastic!

DEAN: Wow. Great, great job, Madame Speaker. The iron fist in the velvet glove.

REID: Yeah – even I’ve gotta admit, that was a stellar performance. Brava!

PELOSI [preening]: Well, this oughta fix their wagon. Nothing can stop Obama now!

[ALL FOUR LAUGH. The Princess phone on PELOSI’s desk rings.]

PELOSI: Hello? Oh, Hillary, is that you? [EVERYONE stops laughing.] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-HUH. Well…um…of course that’s your decision…uh…yes, yes, of course. I understand. [PELOSI hangs up the phone, shell-shocked.]

[brief pause while EVERYONE looks at PELOSI.]

REID [who can’t take the tension any more]: Damnit, Nancy! What happened!

PELOSI: Well, um…it appears that Hillary has been getting an earful from her supporters. She has decided to place her name in nomination at the Convention, so that means…she could actually win instead of Barack.

[EVERYONE is mute with consternation.]

BRAZILE [breaking the silence]: Well, well, well. Looks like it’s gonna be a very interesting summer.

[LIGHTS OUT]

Cross-posted at Oooh, nuance!

Tuesday: Can We have Hillary back now???

Hi, guys, I have to make this short today so I can schlepp Brook to camp in Princeton.  But I did want to address something that came up a couple of times in last night’s thread about whether Hillary was still mad at us because we went PUMA.

I don’t know how she feels about that and I won’t begin to speculate.  All I know is that when the DNC and the RBC took the actions they did, they didn’t act against just one person.  They acted against 18,200,000+ of us. That is why many of us haven’t been able to get behind Obama and why the PUMA movement is ultimately not about Hillary.  Yes, she was our candidate but in this case, she is a symbol.  The DNC coup was intended to level OUR power.

Now, we all have theories as to why this is and by what means this was accomplished.  But one thing is certain: we shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty for sticking up for ourselves.  We’re not pushovers and we’re not stepping to the back of the bus so the young, deluded, affluent liberal or moderate Republicans can take over.  The Democratic party isn’t going to become the Country Club party if we have anything to say about it.  And if that means Obama loses in November don’t blame us.  We’re only asserting our right to have representation in the political sphere.  The split in the party wasn’t engineered by us and it sure as hell isn’t Hillary’s fault.

It’s time the Dean Democrats started to take responsibility for the fatigue, irritation and righteous indignation of the rest of us.  We are losing patience with them.

In the meantime, tune in tomorrow to NO WE WON’T on blogtalkradio for a different kind of show.  We’re going to shake things up a bit and take everyone back to the golden days of yesteryear with one of Madamab’s one act plays.  Oh, heck, we might even do two. Gary and Mawm will be guests to tell us about their experiences on the road.  And Darragh Murphy will be on to talk about the bus caravans to Denver.  You won’t want to miss it.  Check it out at 8:00pm EST Wednesday.

On Thursday, we’ll be having a multi-blog edition of the Scratching Post Cocktail party with JustSayNoDeal and PUMApac.  The cover charge is $10.00 for a Causmo to go towards retiring Hillary’s debt.  The festivities start at 7:00pm EST.  Be there!