The Dog Whisperer’s letter to the DNC

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Now on with the post…

This is a parody based on the Dog Whisperer, which doesn’t reflect the thoughts or views of Cesar Millán or the National Geographic Channel – that I know of. Please read in Cesar Millian’s charming Spanish accent.

Dear Howard and Donna,

Many thanks for inviting me to rehabilitate the PUMA. I am honored but puzzled to receive your request as I only work within the canine group. However seeing that the PUMA was formed from the broken bones of Ole Yeller, I wanted to take the challenge. If you’ve watched my show, you know that I rehabilitate dogs and train humans.
Let’s review our session together:

HOWARD: "But Cesar, we want the PUMA to be like this "high class" little tabby here! Look at how cute she is!" CESAR: "Howard, how do you expect to have a calm, submissive PUMA when you are strangling the cat?!?" DONNA: "Stop being a hating, toxic racist, Cesar!"

Here in this excerpt, you demonstrate behavior that is similar to the conditions that killed Ole Yeller. This is very disheartening to me since I am an animal rights activist. Being it’s still under investigation, I will not press that matter for now. Let’s get back to the PUMA.

For example, the first step to rehabilitate an animal is for the owner to transmit a calm, assertive energy and earn the role of pack leader. What you have demonstrated is an excited, dominant state throughout the primary season and have lost your position as a pack leader that is worthy of following. If you remain in an excited dominant state, PUMA will not acknowledge you or fall in line to what you desire, which is to support the Obama coronation, uh I mean, NOMINATION. I reminded you constantly throughout the session that the PUMA needs fair reflection and for Hillary’s name to be on the nomination ballot in order to acknowlege you as the pack leader. Instead, you continue to enflare the PUMA with accusations and insults.

When I gave you the Rules-Boundaries-Limitations exercise, it is not meant to strangle, neglect or abuse. If you establish rules, you cannot expect PUMA to accept the rules if you do not follow the rules yourselves. A good pack leader leads by example. The DNC RBC meeting was a perfect opportunity for you to show your calm, assertive energy by using Rules-Boundaries-Limitations in a fair just manner to the voters, but you failed.

Once PUMA was born, it expressed its need to break from your DNC pack after May 31st, 2008. Instead, you assumed PUMA was still a member of your pack and used the “sh-shh” sound I train my humans to use as a method to distract the animal. Well, it did not work, and the reason it did not work is because, yet again, you have neglected to follow the “Rules-Boundaries-Limitations” concept. PUMA is no longer a part of your pack becasue you failed to earn your position as a pack leader. If you cannot abide by the rules you set, you cannot enforce discipline. At this point, PUMA will never be the calm, submissive Ole Yeller, and don’t expect it to – if you do not follow your own rules.

Since you have made it quite clear that you will not abide by the convention rules in the past, nor follow your rules of fair reflection, I regret to inform you that I was not able to perform the task you hired me to do. PUMA can be rehabilitated to cooperate with the DNC, yet I do not forsee that happening unless you place Hillary’s name on the nomination ballot and put Hillary’s name on top of the Democratic ticket. In the meantime, I suggest PUMA roam the entire United States, without interruption because under your domain, the spirit of Democracy will die.

Cordially yours,

Cesar Millán/Dog & PUMA Whisperer

PS: I voted for Hillary anyways and ¡que viva los PUMAs! (Long live PUMAs!)