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The Double Agent: A Play in One Twisted Act.

THE SCENE: Two offices, one belonging to KKKARL ROVE and the other belonging to DONNA BRAZILE. Each office takes up half of the stage, with ROVE’s office stage right, and BRAZILE’s, stage left.

ROVE’s office is furnished in traditional Republican style, with dark wood, leather chairs, stuffed animal heads on the walls, and a fireplace with Nixon’s portrait over the mantle. The desk, which sits against the backstage wall, is large and covered with papers, a multi-line phone, and a small laptop. A framed poster of the movie “1984” hangs over it, behind ROVE’s head. The man himself sits hunched at the desk, working furiously on many things at once.

BRAZILE’s office is full of bright colors and abstract art. Her taste is more Danish modern than Rove’s, with a focus on light woods and steel accents. She’s also sitting behind a desk against the backstage wall, but unlike Bush’s Brain, she is busy taking turns staring off into space, and staring at the phone. Clearly, she is waiting for a call that just isn’t coming.

Finally, BRAZILE makes a decision. She picks up the phone and hits a Speed Dial button.

BRAZILE (into the phone): Hello? Helga, is that you? (smiling) Hi there darlin’, it’s Donna. (Her smile disappears after hearing what Helga has to say.) Now don’t you play that little game with me, Helga. I know he’s screening. I’ve been trying to get him for a week. You just go ahead and put me on with him, or I’ll just keep calling every three minutes until you do. (slight pause while Helga gives in) That’s what I thought. I’ll hold, but not for long!

(In ROVE’s office, the phone buzzes.)

ROVE (hitting the speaker setting on the phone): Yes, Helga?

HELGA: Karl, it’s that Donna Brazile again. She says she’s going to call every three minutes until you talk to her!

ROVE (frustrated): That woman just cannot take a hint! (sighs forebearingly) Okay, Helga, I might as well get this over with. Put her through. (A fake joviality enters his manner.) Hello, Donna!

BRAZILE (hitting the speaker setting on her phone): Well, FINALLY. Why have you been avoiding my calls, Karl? This had better be good. Things are starting to go really badly for President Obama. His bump in the polls from that trip he took last week has totally disappeared, and the media is starting to turn against him. They’re calling him the “presumptuous” nominee now, just like those PUMAs have been doing for the last few months! What are we going to do?

(ROVE is gleefully silent.)

BRAZILE: Hello? Are you there? Dammit, you helped me get the ball rolling with President Obama. Without your money and connections, he never would have gotten this far. But now our plan seems to be falling apart. You’ve gotta help me, Karl!

ROVE (allowing his full evil to show through): Well, Donna, I must say, you’re a lot stupider than I thought you were. You still haven’t figured it out? Good lord, woman, why don’t you buy a clue?

BRAZILE (shocked): What the hell are you talking about, Karl?

ROVE (with malicious satisfaction): Oh, Donna, Donna, Donna. Didn’t you ever wonder why I was so willing to be your friend? Why I was so happy to fund Obama’s campaign in the start-up phase? Why I was so thrilled to send all those Republicans to the caucuses to help him get the delegates he needed to win the nomination? You’re a gay black Democratic woman, and I’m Bush’s Brain. Did you really think you and I were a natural fit?

BRAZILE (faintly): I thought it was because you wanted to be on the winning side. I thought you hated John McCain.

ROVE (leaning back in the chair, hands behind head): Oh, I did, Donna, I did. But that was before I realized that the winning side…is John McCain’s side. With your help, John and I were able to knock out the strongest Democratic candidate and replace her with the weakest Democratic candidate. In a year where we thought all was lost, we Republicans are now poised and ready to take over the White House once again. Can you say, President McCain? I’m getting quite used to the sound of that myself.

BRAZILE: But Karl, you said Barack could win by expanding the electoral map. You said we didn’t need the Democratic base, that we could win the West and South, and forget about those bitter hillbillies in Appalachia. You said –

ROVE (scornfully): And you believed me, didn’t you? Good God, no wonder you’ve lost so many elections, Donna. What kind of an idiotic strategy is that? You’ve let your most reliable voters become completely disenchanted with their Party. That’s something we Republicans would never do. We’re smart enough to disrespect our voters behind their backs, so they won’t find out how much we despise them! Election 101, Donna. When will you liberal elitists ever learn?

BRAZILE (dazed): I, uh, don’t know what to say.

ROVE: How about “good-bye?” Because I hope this is the last time I have to talk to you. You make me sick to my stomach!

(BRAZILE and ROVE both disconnect from their speaker phones at the same time. ROVE, satisfied, sits back down at his desk and goes back to work. The lights slowly fade on his side of the stage.)

BRAZILE (standing up and pacing): Oh my God. Oh my God. I’m toast! I never told Barack where all that money was coming from. He thought he was getting Republican votes because they wanted to knock out Hillary, not him! What if he finds out that I was working with Karl? What if Howard Dean finds out? What am I going to do?!

(BRAZILE’s phone rings.)

BRAZILE (hitting the speaker): H-h-h-hello?

HOWARD DEAN (menacingly): Hello, Donna.

BRAZILE (rallying a bit): Oh! Howard! How are you? What’s new?

DEAN: Glad you asked. I want you to join me on my bus tour of the South. We think you can really help us reach out to African-American voters in the area. Plus, maybe you can scare some of the PUMAs away from me. They seem to show up everywhere I go, and I’m tired of answering their questions alone.

BRAZILE (relieved): Why, Howard, I’d be thrilled to come with you.

DEAN: Great, great! Your ride is just outside. Go ahead and pack. I’ll see you soon!

(They both hang up.)

BRAZILE: Whew! I guess everything’s all right then. I’d better make sure all my tracks are covered before I get on that bus. (BRAZILE exits through a side door.)

(The lights come up in ROVE’s office. Standing next to the desk is HOWARD DEAN.)

DEAN: Hey, Karl, thanks for the tip about Donna being a double agent. I can’t believe she’s been trying to sabotage Barack this whole time!

ROVE (secretly amused): Yes, it is hard to believe.

DEAN: I wonder how long it will take her to realize that she’s not going on the bus, but under it?

(ROVE and DEAN share a manly laugh at BRAZILE’s folly.)

ROVE (reaches into a desk drawer, pulls out a humidor): May I offer you a cigar, Howard?

DEAN: Why, thank you, Karl. (ROVE does so.) I’m so looking forward to working with you. Now, what’s the next step for President Obama?

ROVE: Have you ever heard of Diebold, Howard?

(LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at Oooh, Nuance!

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95 Responses

  1. another well-written piece, madamab! it would be even more enjoyable if it were’t so true. you gotta hand it to donna- she’s always finding new ways to lose elections.

    btw, obama is exactly tied with mccain in today’s gallup, 44-44 – suggest that for the link vs. rasmussen.

    http://www.gallup.com/poll/109219/Gallup-Daily-Race-Tied-44.aspx

  2. Aha! Good suggestion, campskunk. I will fix it. 🙂

  3. awesome…one of my favorite so far…very dark!!! and I love your stage directions, ie: (ROVE is gleefully silent.)

    Bravisssima!!!!!!

  4. Brava!

  5. Gary – I’m in a dark mood today. Hope it doesn’t depress people too much…;-)

  6. oh no!!! it is great. the idea of donna getting her comeuppance???? that could never be depressing!!

  7. madamab, each one is better than the last.

  8. You will be on broadway in no time.

  9. Hee! Thanks, Mawm! Only if I can take the Conflucian Players with me! 🙂

  10. This is your best yet! And it’s been playing in my head for months – only without the furniture descriptions and the same lines…;-)

  11. madamab, I love it.

    lol and not at all depressing.

  12. Love it madamab!

    Now who could we get to play DB on the stage? My first thought was Kathy Bates, made up appropriately. She did a bang-up job in Primary Colors.

  13. great reference to Diebold … especially since he was just tripping around the world with the Senator who has a huge ownership in the company

  14. Fredster – I agree, Kathy Bates is an amazing actress. If we’re dreaming here, I’d love Oprah Winfrey to play Donna.

    Yes, I am a sick individual. 🙂

    (Thanks for the compliments, everyone. Mwah!)

  15. It just goes to show there is truly no honor among thieves.

  16. madamab: Excellent! They are getting better and better.

  17. Madamab, I don’t think Oprah would be too interested. 😦

    We could have Kathy play Donna as a cross between Bates’ character in Primary Colors combined with Annie Wilkes in Misery 😆

  18. I remember back last winter and early spring when some bloggers were getting all excited because Rove said the GOP was most afraid of the Precious.

    I guess it never occured to them that he was lying.

  19. Is it really a good idea to close the upcoming puma conference in washington d.c. to the press?

  20. Did you folks see this:
    Website Suggests Obama-Bayh Ticket?

  21. OK guys, don’t believe anything about Hillary will release her delegates. This is another AxelRod psyop. There is an article on HP that is pure proganda to try and demoralize us.

    Don’t believe it. GO to Alegre’s corner to read about it.

  22. Madamab – made me laugh!

  23. Did you all see that Obama has now admitted that he was talking about his race when he said “I don’t look like those presidents on the dollar bills?”

    I’m so tired of this doubletalking, race-baiting cr&p. Wake me when Hillary wins the nomination!

  24. corbett to puma corbett to puma. is it wise to ban the press from the puma conference?

  25. Madamab, this is sooooo great. Your plays are better than anything I have seen on SNL or elsewhere. I feel priviledged to be your audience.

  26. I’m so tired of this doubletalking, race-baiting cr&p. Wake me when Hillary wins the nomination!

    Obama = putz

  27. Corbett, you asked earlier about whether conference still had availability. Did you receive info?

  28. Mawn, thanks. all this op is really wearing on my psy

  29. my middle aged, menopausal psy

    will gather my wits and check the site. thanks again

  30. madamab: What can I say? You are positively a genius! So well designed I could actually see this playing inside my head. Great as always. Or should I say greater? Bravo to the author!!

  31. Great post, madamab

  32. So now Obama has admitted to using the race card? Just a few minutes ago I had the tv on and a surrogate by the name of Keith Boykin was absolutely condemning John McCain for using the race card. These guys better get their stories straight or a lot more people are going to end up with more than a carton of eggs on their faces.

  33. What’s going on in “journalists'” heads??

    *Funding In-Depth, Investigative Reporting as a “Charitable Matter”??

    It sounds like a great idea at first, but I HAVE MY DOUBTS!!!!

    http://tinyurl.com/5wtj5w

    http://insightanalytical.wordp

    GRLs last blog post..Funding In-Depth, Investigative Reporting as a “Charitable Matter”??

  34. Must Watch McCains New Ad The Gloves Are Off McCain is Swinging
    The Mac Got’s Barry Numbers
    http://countusout.wordpress.com/

  35. Fred – Using Obama’s own words and “symbols” against him.

    The One has made it sooooo easy for the Republicans. It’s almost as if…it were…planned that way…

  36. fred: Great ad, says it all. They will come after him with just mockery alone. And boy does he deserve it.!

  37. Hello all (I blog hop–sorry to just bust in)

    Have you seen JOHN KERRY?? Photos of John Kerry partying with some drunk girls:

    http://clintondems.com/?p=2219&preview=true

  38. Poor Kerry. He just wants to be liked.

    I think losing in 2004 was a huge blow to him. He’ll never be the same.

    I hope Kerry loses his seat. He can cry all the way to his multi-million dollar mansion.

  39. Brazile fell for one of the oldest political sucker punches in the book. What a moron.

  40. madamab…..with every playlet you help put things in perspective….you so TOTALLY ROCK!!

    Reading these help so much when one vacillates between laughing and crying every damn day. Although today I feel like obama is opening the gates for a Hillary presidency. He truly is dumber than a box of rocks.

    GO HILLARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Yes She Will……

  41. i’m told that i can’t attend the puma conference as a member of the press. i started operation turndown as a member of the press. i opened the phones to offer hillary suporters and dnc critics a platform world-wide as a member of the press. but i can’t attend the conference as a member of the press. is this wise?

  42. My father suggested last summer there would be an ad with that wholly vaccuous “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for”. Good play by McCain.

  43. corbett, on August 1st, 2008 at 3:22 pm Said:
    i’m told that i can’t attend the puma conference as a member of the press. i started operation turndown as a member of the press. i opened the phones to offer hillary suporters and dnc critics a platform world-wide as a member of the press. but i can’t attend the conference as a member of the press. is this wise?

    No, it’s stupid. Who do we contact to tell them to let you in?

  44. masslib – I thought the video of Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea was a very apt insertion. I laughed out loud. 🙂

  45. PssttCmere, I soooooo understand how you feel. Have been on an emotional roller coaster all week. The posts today and Madamab’s play have been sooooooo therapeutic.

  46. corbett, from PA? Awesome!

    I’m in NC and I started listening to you.

    Nice job.

  47. Ad reminds me of a scene in Army Wives last week when a character advised that the best way to combat someone in a power struggle was to use martial arts and take what they are doing (their weight) and use it to unbalance them—just like this ad. Good lesson

  48. Off topic — I saw Hillary yesterday !! LOVE HER. I feel so energized just from being with her and being with my East Bay Warrior Puma’s !!! I took video !! Here’s one of them — I grouped together 3 different pieces on Hillary and the ballot. I am also uploading Hillary’s comments on VP — Hillary on repsecting her supporters – will publish once finished.

  49. I like that show

  50. corbett, on August 1st, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    Liked your show. Who is responsible for the conference? You should totally go.

  51. Oh madamab, what a delicious wit you have. But please be advised that I will never move over for Donna Brazile. In fact I will campaign to have her barred from the under bus crowd.

  52. madamab,

    I certainly enjoyed this vignette. Are you a professional playwright? Certainly seems so. Congrats!

    -MS

  53. Corbett – Click here to contact the Conference organizers.

  54. […] and link on Riverdaughter’s Site: The Confluence.  I consider it a must see. SimoFish, on August 1st, 2008 at 3:29 pm […]

  55. God, I miss her

  56. I am also posting a couple more videos — so wait for them.

  57. Thanks, PSV – but no, I am pretty new at this game.

    My experience has always been in performing. 😉

  58. fred, on August 1st, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    Barry’s said that light speech during another rally.
    Great Ad

  59. Here’s on of Hillary speaking on the VP — Question was what qualifications would you select in your VP or what advice would you give barry.

  60. Oh SimoFish – forgot to tell you how GREAT that video was! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

  61. thx simofish, it’s so good to see our girl again!!!!

  62. Madamab, loved the play, may I suggest Loretta Devine as Donna B.?

    SimoFish, great video.

  63. latest AP Headline Pander:

    Economic model say a recession favors Obama win

    Oh, hell’s bells. The bad economy needs one person for POTUS & that’s for sure Hillary. Obama’s solution to our economic trouble is get out of Iraq [which experts say won’t help us since we aren’t paying for it yet] and give people rebates galore. Who would trust this Doofus with our economy?

  64. SimoFish-I’ve sent it to Will that other guy I talked to at the Hill and Ricki. Good job, Buddy. I call you later about the radio show.

  65. parentofed: economy grew 1.9% during the second quarter (just ended)

  66. simofish- thanks for posting the videos.

    great work

    can’t wait to see the VP portion

  67. oh, oh, sorry I fotgot to check; is Doofus a r@acist term when it applies to The One?

  68. Josgirl – Loretta Devine! That’s genius!

  69. dakincat:
    Actually, I think McCain will run rings around B0 on the economy as well. Although he’s been known to pander on the economy, he has stronger spending creds than B0.

    This is one of my biggest fears about Obama & a Dem Congress; I think they will allow him to spend money that we don’t have.

    I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say this was one of the best things about HIllary, she was able to combine fiscal accountability with breaks for middle America. All planned in detail, all she needs is the chance.

  70. parentofed: well, how he used to vote and what McCain says now to pander to republicans are two different things, hopefully, he’ll go back to his fiscally conservative self

    some of those tax cuts are fine, but others should be allowed to expire, even with an Iraq war peace dividend, those tax cuts are WAY too big to be sustainable

  71. dakinkat: Totally agree.

  72. Thanks SimoFish: So Hillary to pick the VP one must take one’s ego out of the equation and do what is best for the country. Well, IMHO, O is incapable of such an action.

    Can we please have Hillary back NOW. Please.

  73. Hillary on respecting her supporters –

    The question was asked – what more are you going to do to help Barry — I am sure this was asked by an Obama supporter.

  74. Thanks, SimoFish, for the video! I miss her!

    My heart did sink when she said, “That’s not going to happen,” in response to a question about her name being placed in nomination and winning. Do you think she’s indicating she knows this or was she not wanting to get our hopes up? Or maybe she is considering the VP spot. It was a depressing comment to me.

  75. Madamab
    Encore! encore! (standing up,applauding).
    Many thanks to all of you wonderful writers here at rhe Confluence.

    BTW I ain’t gettin’ under no bus with with Dona B.

    GO PUMAS!

  76. Great play, Madamab! You all keep me going!

  77. I think on June 3rd after her win in South Dakota her phone was jammed with callers. On June 4th – 5th – I think they threatned her and told her to get on board or they would run someone against her Senate seat in 2012.

    I had a one on one with her – I told her 2012 – she couldn’t say – OK — she said – you think and laughed. What could she say.

  78. “I think they threatned her and told her to get on board or they would run someone against her Senate seat in 2012. ”

    This is what I think.

  79. Madamab one of your best (and darkest) yet…

  80. Silverlakemom, I agree. There isn’t a bus big enough. There has to be a special section for Donna B, Nancy, Howard, Rev Wright, etc or I may be tempted to do what myiq suggested in this mornings blog. Otherwise I love the company under the bus. Lot of creativity and energy.

  81. SimoFish and plural, she is pretty tough so it is hard to imagine what was said to her. It hurts to hear her speak of losing the election with more votes. I so appreciate her remarks about respecting her supporters. I keep seeing her at a Texas Hold Em Table with all the usual characters and winning on the last card turned. She knows what she is doing and I trust her.

    I so agreed and appreciated the remarks about young people not knowing what a convention is supposed to be with nominations and a real vote an Honest Roll Call=HRC

    I, too, miss her so. I could have moved on to almost any other candidate in the primary with grief, but not O.

  82. CNN just showed poll. Interesting that undecided number was smaller and have apparently moved to McCain.

  83. Phala — I still believe she can get the nomination. I only see it happening if some major F%$# UP happens. I would love to say the super d’s admit they have buyers remorse — but very unlikely.

    I say we keep fighting the fight to Denver then beyond to November if we must.

  84. SimoFish trips over his own ego. Otherwise as you said on to November.

    I heard comments during primary including here in rural NC that if the nomination was stolen from O by the SD there would be riots—indicating there was more depth of support for O than Hillary. I hope that whoever wins dinner with her will ask whether she was surprised at how ardently she is supported by all of us. Her focus is solutions not ego so I would find her thoughts interesting. I also would like her answer to the question I posed to a SD, how do we get democracy back in the Democratic Party.

  85. “I think they threatned her and told her to get on board or they would run someone against her Senate seat in 2012. ”

    They could do that but Hillary is very popular in NY and it is the people that decide whom to vote for. What I heard was that they threatened some of her supporters. I can see this as some might not be as popular as Hillary.

  86. “Now we’ve got ads about Britney and Paris,” Obama said referencing McCain’s new ad comparing his opponent to the young celebrities, Spears and Hilton. “At a time when we’ve got bigger challenges than any time in our history and you’re running ads with Hillary and er – with Britney and ah Paris in it. I mean come on. The American people deserve better.”

    http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/08/01/politics/fromtheroad/entry4312955.shtml

  87. SHe knows, her response shows that she knows we have been dissed repeatedly.

  88. Madamab – thanks for another super script! LOL!

    I posted the following at TL in April regarding the race baiting. I stopped posting after Hillary won PR and they went BO. Can I say, “I told you so” ? It gives me no joy – it is so ugly and unnecessary and we have the crew of the ‘leadership’ of the party to thank.

    Does this message speak to their judgement? (5.00 / 3) (#83)
    by Boo Radly on Sat Apr 26, 2008 at 02:15:08 PM EST

    I now cringe when a BO supporter responses to being asked why they support him and they say judgement.I have a mental visual of Clyburn leading cyborg lemmings off a steep cliff into boiling water screaming racist. Yeah, that’ll show the Democratic Party…..the errors of their ways, what the real issues are in todays world – we thought it was the economy, universal health insurance, Bu$hit’s war in Iraq, FISA, global warming, etc. Nope, these are not the issues that are pressing. Did any of us know prior to the SC primary that Bill Clinton was a racist? I sure didn’t. I know he isn’t.
    I guess since I brought this up I am a racist – now. I have lived my life as a Christian because I want the goodness for all people. How naive of me. Or could BO be so wrong on so many levels?

    I truly abhor the level of “campaigning” the BO camp has used. I really hold the “party elders” responsible for this ugly mess. They were the only ones who had a complete picture – if they even bothered to look.’end quote

    TL offered a sane place to blog from Feb. to the end of May. I can’t post now because I do not want to insult the host. I appreciated what it offered back then. Today BTD is calling it like it is regarding how BO race baited and how it will cost them votes.

    Each day I get a more angry. I am so glad I have this blog to read with so many real Dems who want REAL goverment for the people.

    What’s my point? There are so many “misguided” Dem’s from the top down that do not have a clue as to how they are perceived – meaning just about everybody knows the blatant power grab from Clinton to the least qualified candidate ever in the history of American politics. If they keep on this track – BO will not win. He/they have only themselves to blame. They will suffer from this loss – they may try to blame Hillary but, jeesh, that is ludicris(as usual).

    Is it mental illness or lack of character/integrity? Our “former” party’s cast seem evil – shallow – darn stupid. I do not see myself voting for a dem again. It is just so disgusting. It’s not like 18,000,000+ votes didn’t try to tell them.

  89. i post this in all seriousness. if a better place to post on this site exists, please let me know. banning the press from the puma conference seriously undermines puma power. acting like the dnc does little to advance the cause. please rethink this position. please address this matter. the discussion is worth its own link.

  90. corbett, I wish I knew who to contact to lobby on your behalf. Perhaps you should go to the Just Say No Deal site and contact the media links. You should DEFINITELY be invited to attend! Many, many of us have listened to your radio show and been very heartened that you were one of the very few in the MSM to talk honestly about PUMA and why we are not voting for Obama. Quite frankly, you ARE a PUMA, so you should be allowed to attend. Hopefully, whoever is in charge of this will take up your cause and work on your behalf.

  91. madamab: I am soooo sorry I didn’t read this earlier. This entire afternoon, I was waiting for my PUMA cub to come back home from her – well – almost literally – out of the country vacation with her dad. (she was in Culebra Island in PR). After the re-bonding moments and some Chinese food to celebrate her return – I must say: WOW, I LOVE THIS PIECE, YOU ARE FRIGGIN awesome! I love the way you write!

  92. This play should really be produced, and people, it has got to be Queen Latifah–didn’t you see her in “Chicago”?

    “the idea of donna getting her comeuppance”
    garychapelhill–“comeuppance”… sounds like “uppity”. I suggest you add this to the banned word list.

  93. Aaaah, an embarrassment of riches! I didn’t get to reading this wonderful, fantastic, dark play until now, because I was enjoying the more recent posts up on the site.

    Madameb, count me in when you want to produce and put up these plays – I’ll help any way you need me to.

  94. madamab, I don’t think you’re writing these yourself. I think you’ve got Rove’s office bugged and these are just transcripts of real conversations.

  95. I know this is a Joke – BUT – it sure rings TRUE!
    Ms. Donna is a FRAUD – just like her glory-boy obama and the entire DNC. Donna was the leader of the pack to trash Hillary Clinton every day – she is a Disgrace to Woman, and the Dem Party. She is also a LIAR – she said “If the party leaders and DNC pick our nominee against the will of the people – I will leave my party”
    Well…. we are waiting Donna – as that is EXACTLY
    what happened – with your help!

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