I’ve been asked repeatedly of late if I have any tips for people who have loved ones trapped in the cult of Obama. After consulting with my good friend Captain Spaulding who has lots of experience with cults and trapping people, I offer this handy guide.
Obamamania is no joke. The first step is believing the media hype. Then comes the experimentation with Kool-aid, and before you know it, BAM! – you’re a brain-eating zombie.
It makes me ill when I smell the fetid stench of sugary swamp bilge oozing from some Kool-aid slurper’s pores. I think it’s the rotting odor of decaying brain cells wafting out with every hot exhalation.
You can spot an Obot by looking for some or all of the following signs:
1. The inability to use logic and think rationally.
2. Paranoid delusions that everyone (except fellow cult-members) is a racist
3. Uncontrollable outbursts of sexism and misogyny (similar to Tourette’s)
4. Bright discoloration around the nostrils (caused by snorting the Kool-aid in powder form)
If your friend or beloved family member isn’t already, um . . . “receptive and ready” to begin deprogramming, you will have go catch them convince them to come with you for treatment. The Captain recommends duct tape and a large windowless van for transportation.
Before your patient arrives, you need to make preparations. We recommend a large house, preferably with a basement and neighbors who mind their own business. Select a well-lit and cozy room and furnish it with a comfortable bed and chairs. On every wall should hang several pictures of Hillary and Bill Clinton. Pleasant music and aroma-therapy scents should be brought in. This will be your room.
Take the least desirable room of the house, and remove any amenities like carpeting or lighting. Board up the windows but be sure to leave openings for cold drafts. Plumbing is optional, depending on your sense of smell and how hard you plan to work. A plastic bucket works for the Captain, but you may want to include lots of air freshener.
“Brain-eating” is a metaphor, your patient will eat other things. Gruel is a common and easy to prepare meal, with some occasional “mystery meat” from your refrigerator for variety. DO NOT feed them Cheetos, no matter how much they beg or plead. Those little orange puffs of imitation food are a gateway drug.
The length and intensity of the treatment will depend on how much you really care about your patient and what happens on November 4th. For the first step in the treatment process you will need to obtain a fish about 18 inches to 2 feet in length. Fresh fish are available for a reasonable price in most large supermarkets, but for those on a budget you can obtain not-so-fresh fish for free from the supermarket dumpster.
Secure your patient to a chair with generous amounts of duct tape, leaving their head and shoulders exposed. Blindfolds optional. In a loud firm voice say “Nobama” while striking your patient across the face with the fish. (Don’t hold back, really smack them) Continue saying “Nobama” while striking them back and forth in the face with the fish. Go ahead and yell it if the neighbors can’t hear. Keep doing this until your arms are too tired to continue.
This won’t help your patient but by now you should feel much better. Repeat Step 1 as often as you feel like it, but eventually you may need another fish.
With luck, sometime around mid-November you can release your patient while laughing at them mockingly. It is possible, however, that you may have to keep them somewhat longer, until they either exclaim “My God, what did I do?” or you lose patience and brick up the entrance to their room. (I will remind you that Captain Spaulding does need organ donors and is willing to pay finder’s fees, no questions asked.)
I hope this guide has been helpful. Good luck and happy hunting.
Filed under: Barack Obama, snark | Tagged: Satire, snark | 69 Comments »