The Mourning After Pill

Brought to you by Mr. Deity and Lucy

Mr. Deity has a regular youtube series satirizing religion and features guest skeptics, like Michael Shermer.  But he’s gotten some flak over this video and accusations that he’s shilling for the Democrats, which shows that some people don’t really *get* Mr. Deity.  Mr. Deity is about how ridiculous religious judgmentalism is and pokes holes in the reasoning behind it.  While Mr. Deity and Lucy (for Lucifer) step out of character for this video, the video is not inconsistent with their criticism of religion in general.

Still, it must be annoying to have to answer comments like these:

• When did Mr. Deity just become a spokeshole for the Democratic Party? I suppose there’s some snarky response chambered and “We’ll return to our regularly scheduled broadcast after the election” but I am disappoint. Lord knows I don’t want a social conservative in any office, let alone one that’s been insulated to the extent that he believes in mythical biological mechanisms, however it’s genuinely douchey to be a shill for the Dems and trying to tie in Paul Ryan.

  promontorium 1 day ago

• First of all, I find it enlightening that in your mind standing up for rape victims makes me a schill for the Democrats. That’s apparently not something a Republican would do(?). Second, Ryan is connected because he and Akin co-sponsored a bill redefining rape as “forceable rape.” You don’t need an adjective before the word rape — as Ryan now understands… “rape is rape.” It saddens me when good people like you see this stuff only through the lens of politics, rather than right and wrong.

  misterdeity in reply to promontorium 18 hours ago

President Re-Election Does the Vision Thing: A Play in One Utopian Act.

No, You Cannot. Have a Nice Day!

THE SCENE: A five-star hotel suite somewhere in America. (What – you thought he’d actually be at home, doing his job?) PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA and FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA are sitting at a linen-covered table set with heavy silverware and a pink rosebud in a crystal jar, sipping coffee and discussing the challenges and benefits of Presidenting. A four-poster bed can be seen slightly behind and to the left of where the Obamas are sitting.

MICHELLE: Well, I think things are going great, Barack. You haven’t had a Cabinet appointment scandal in a couple of days, and everyone seems to be getting used to the whole idea of spending hundreds of billions to fix Bush’s mess. Plus, your speeches are still killing!

OBAMA: Yeah, and I have all this cool stuff that shows I’m the President! Air Force One. A nifty jacket. The White House. Man, this job rules! But there’s one thing that’s getting me down.

MICHELLE: Listen, Barack, if it’s that whole smoking in the house thing again, I TOLD you –

OBAMA: Nah, nah, it’s not about that. This is something even MORE serious. (standing up and pacing) People are accusing me of thinking small on health care just because my entire plan consists of computerizing medical records! I mean, what do they want, single-payer health care or something? I never, EVER said I was going to do anything like that!

MICHELLE (watching him, sighing sympathetically): Yeah, honey, I know. Where do they get these stupid ideas about you?

OBAMA (lying on the bed, hands behind his head): I honestly don’t know. Maybe Axelrod told some of his operatives to spread that nonsense – I just gave up on keeping track of all the things he was promising my fans in the blogosphere. (pats the space next to him on the bed to indicate MICHELLE should come lie down beside him)

MICHELLE (crossing to the bed and lying down): So, is that it? You’re catching flack from a bunch of keyboard commandos over health care? Sounds pretty small-time to me. (suddenly worried) Unless – the health insurance companies aren’t threatening to withhold funding for 2012, are they?

OBAMA (laughing): Of course not! No worries there. They couldn’t be happier that I won. (sobering up) No, the real problem is that I’m being accused of not having a vision for this country. Can you believe that? Don’t they know that this medical records idea is just a small step along the way to a better, brighter, more efficient O-merica? Here, let me show you my vision…

Operation Pantsuit: A Play In One Misguided Act.

Can't Touch This

THE SCENE: DAVID AXELROD’S conference room. We are witnessing a meeting with the Obama team’s inside-iest insiders. Attending are AXELROD, DAVID PLOUFFE and VALERIE JARRETT. RAHM EMANUEL is attending via teleconference from Paraguay, where he is hiding out from Patrick Fitzgerald and his ongoing investigation. His face is shown on a screen on the far wall of the room. The other three participants are seated in cream leather executive chairs around the black granite table, which is polished to an immaculate sheen. The walls are sage green and covered with pictures of Obama looking beneficent and Presidential.

AXELROD (addressing the wall screen): Rahm, can you hear us? I know things are kinda primitive in Paraguay.

EMANUEL: Not where I am. Our man Barack has made everyone feel so post-partisan that George W. has been hosting me. (a Paraguayan houseboy, wearing a large nametag that reads “Hello, my name is Juan” brings him a tropical drink) Thanks, Miguel! (The houseboy leaves, rolling his eyes; EMANUEL sips his drink) Mmm…nothing like fresh mango.

JARRETT (sarcastically): Gosh, can I be the target of a federal investigation too?

PLOUFFE (looking around) Shhh! For god’s sake, Valerie, don’t jinx it! Everyone, make the sign of the “O”!

(The following ritualized actions are done with a precision that would put synchronized swimmers to shame.)

(ALL raise their arms and make an “O” sign with their hands)

ALL TOGETHER: Obama, protect us! Obama, protect us! Obama, protect us!

(ALL lower their arms.)

AXELROD: Ahhhh, that’s better. It looks like we’re ready to start now.

(ALL put on their “serious” faces)

AXELROD: As you know, today was a big day for our President. Several of his appointments went to confirmation hearings, including…HER.

(ALL nod solemnly)

AXELROD: Now, none of us wanted HER, but thanks to those damn voters in the primary and those idiotic PUMAs, she had the leverage to elbow her way into the Cabinet. A moment of silence, please, for our brother John Kerry, who deserved the Secretary of State position so much more.

(ALL bow their heads solemnly)

Obama And The Bloggers: A Play in One Historic Act.

A Glimpse of the Future?

THE SCENE: It is 2108. The world is clean, lawful, peaceful, prosperous and well-informed. The struggles of the 21st Century are far behind us.

We find ourselves looking in on the Museum of United States History, in the “Hall of Presidents Past.” A group of students is being led by a tour guide, and they are stopped in front of a holographic display entitled, “The Blogosphere and The Election of President Barack Obama.” Showing on the transparent wall are three life-sized representations of bloggers. There is a man in his late 30’s, white, with dark hair, wearing a button-down shirt and khakis; the label under him reads “Male Obama Blogger.” There is a woman, in her late 30’s, dressed in black and wearing chic glasses; the label under her reads “Female Obama Blogger.” Finally, there is a woman in her 40’s, dressed in business attire; the label under her reads “PUMA Blogger.”

TOUR GUIDE: And now, here is our exhibit on our first – but not the last – African-American President, Barack Hussein Obama. He was President from 2008 – 2012.

Here at the Museum of United States History, we assume that you already know the most basic facts about every President. Our goal is to focus on little-known but important aspects of each President’s history. That is why we have chosen to represent the way so many in the so-called “progressive” blogosphere helped elect President Obama.

STUDENT #1 (raising hand): The “blogosphere”? What’s that?

STUDENT #2 (to #1): Don’t you remember? There used to be something called the Internet where people would talk about politics and other topics of interest.

STUDENT #1 (with dawning comprehension): Ohhhh! That was the baby version of the Worldwide Peoples’ Network!

TOUR GUIDE: Exactly right – the Internet became the WPN. (smiling) Now, if I may continue?

STUDENT #1 (embarrassed): Sorry, ma’am.

TOUR GUIDE: Thank you. Now, many people are not aware that President Obama’s campaign was fiercely championed by the “progressives” in the blogosphere.

STUDENT #2 (raising her hand): Uh, ma’am? Sorry, but what’s a progressive?

TOUR GUIDE: At one point, people who considered themselves on the liberal side of politics adopted the label of “progressive.” This label, for some time, hid the fact that they hated women and the Presidency of Bill Clinton, and allowed them to take over the blogosphere from people who really were liberals.

STUDENT #1: Wow! Progressives sound like complete idiots!

TOUR GUIDE (smiling): You have no idea! Where was I? Oh yes. Progressives’ advocacy for President Obama was so inflexible that many on the left broke away and formed their own blogosphere. These bloggers called themselves “PUMAs,” representing either “Party Unity My Ass” or “People United Means Action.” Later in the 21st Century, these PUMAs formed their own UnParty, with which you are all familiar by now.

(THE STUDENTS NOD AND SMILE. STUDENT #3 holds up a pawprint badge that had been magnetically stuck to his jumpsuit.)

STUDENT #3: PUMA POWER!!!

TOUR GUIDE (holding up her own badge): PUMA POWER! (resuming the tour) Well, now we’re coming to the interactive part of the display. You’re going to love it, I promise! I need a volunteer to read a short sentence out loud.

(ALL THE STUDENTS raise their hands. The TOUR GUIDE picks STUDENT #3 out of the group.)

TOUR GUIDE: All right, John. Come to the display and read the sentence shown on the wall. Then, watch the reactions of all three bloggers to what you say.

JOHN (reading): “Today, Senator Barack Obama voted to give telecommunications companies immunity from prosecution for their illegal wiretapping activities performed at the behest of the Bush Administration.”

(ALL the holograms come to life.)

MALE OBAMA BLOGGER: Well, I know Senator Obama promised to filibuster this immunity, but that doesn’t matter. He’s just doing what he needs to do to get elected.

FEMALE OBAMA BLOGGER: Yeah! What you said!

PUMA BLOGGER: This sucks! And Obama broke his promise to vote against immunity, but Hillary didn’t. Why aren’t you supporting her instead?

(ALL holograms stop speaking.)

TOUR GUIDE: Did you see what happened there, John?

JOHN: I think so. Barack Obama broke a very important promise, and the PUMA blogger was the only one who said anything.

STUDENT #1: You mean – President Obama essentially gave the telecom companies permission to spy on Americans without repercussions?

TOUR GUIDE: Yes, Virginia. Bet you didn’t know that about him!

The One Speaks To America: A Play in One Truthful Act.

Obama Goes A-Presidenting

H/T to my muse, Pat Johnson at The Confluence, for the inspiration for this one!

THE SCENE: A fake Oval Office in a television studio. BARACK OBAMA is on the set of his half-hour infomercial, which will shortly be broadcast on all the major networks (except ABC). He is in the midst of completing the final take.

OBAMA (to the crew): Are we ready?

DIRECTOR: Yes, Barack. We finally got the teleprompter back up. That new techie over there took care of it.

(A brown-haired figure in a denim jumpsuit, wearing a baseball cap, glasses and sporting a large mustache, waves from across the room.)

OBAMA (ignoring the techie, relieved): Thank God! Okay, let’s roll.

DIRECTOR: Five – four – three – two – one. Action!

OBAMA (calm and Presidential): My faithful Obamabots, I am sending you this personal message, because no one but you will be watching. You have done very well for me up until now. I especially appreciate all the violence and hatred you have spewed at people who do not want to “come to” me. Keep it up! But I have to ask that you please stop hanging Sarah Palin in effigy, since some folks are starting to do the same to me, those racist bastards!

DIRECTOR: Ummmm, Barack…

OBAMA (whispering): Shhhh, Fred, I’m nailing it! (clears throat) As for all those things my running mate, Joe Biden, said about how the international community will test me, they’re absolutely true. But don’t worry, when that red phone rings at three a.m., I’ll be forwarding the call to my team of 300 foreign policy advisors, who will tell me exactly what to do. So be prepared for another attack, kids – and oh by the way, I’ll have to draft you and your friends and family. No exceptions for girls, either. Sorry, sweeties – everyone must serve in Barack’s Army!

The Racism Game, Expanded: A Play in One Ridiculous Act.

Guess Who Is WHAT?

H/T to Darragh Murphy, who suggested that the play be expanded. Thanks, Darragh!

THE SCENE: A game show set, modeled on “Jeopardy.” The host, DREW CAREY, stands at a podium, behind which is a giant flat screen. It currently shows President Barack Obama’s smiling face, with the Possum seal behind it.

Across the set from CAREY are three podiums, with a contestant standing at each podium. The contestants are BOB HERBERT of The New York Times, LOUIS DIUGUID of The Kansas City Star, and JOE THE PLUMBER. The lead-in music – “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist,” from Avenue Q – concludes as the lights come up. The audience applauds wildly.

CAREY: Thank you, thank you everyone! Gosh, it’s great to be here with you. You may not know this, but we’re celebrating a very special occasion tonight – the 100th episode of America’s favorite game show, everybody say it with me now:

AUDIENCE and CAREY (shouting): “Guess Who’s The Racist!”

CAREY: That’s right! Every Tuesday night on “Guess Who’s The Racist,” we all come together and find the hidden racism within people like you and me! The panelist who has the most correct answers gets an all-expenses-paid trip to ObamaWorld, located right next to Universal Studios in lovely Hollywood, California.

AUDIENCE (on cue): Oooooh!

CAREY: Ooooh indeed! Well, let’s start the show. Because it’s a special night, we’ve got some celebrities with us! First, we’ve got Bob Herbert, columnist for The New York Times, who was savvy enough to spot racism in all of its nasty forms during the 2008 election.

HERBERT (waving): Hello, America!

CAREY: And next, we have the incomparable Louis Diuguid of The Kansas City Star, who proved to Americans that the word “socialist” was a racial slur in October of 2008!

DIUGUID (waving): Helllloooooo!

CAREY: And finally, we have Joe The Plumber, who was used by both President Obama and John McCain in the primaries as a campaign prop. Joe has been spending the last few months in a Racism Rehabilitation Camp in Walla Walla, Washington. Let’s give him a big hand, and hope he’s learned enough to match the competitiveness of these two amazing players!

JOE (waving): Hi!

AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOO!!! RACIST! WHITE SUPREMACIST! BOOOOOOO!

(Joe looks puzzled and hurt, and drops his hand.)

CAREY: All right, take it easy, folks. It’s not Joe’s fault he’s a racist; it’s just because he’s from a rural area and bitter about it. He’s trying really hard, honestly he is. Let’s see how he does on our first question. Are you ready, panelists?

PANELISTS: Yes!

The Racism Game: A Play in One Ridiculous Act.

May The Blessings Of Obama Be Upon You

THE SCENE: A game show set, modeled on “Jeopardy.” The host, DREW CAREY, stands at a podium, behind which is a giant flat screen. It currently shows President Barack Obama’s smiling face, with the Possum seal behind it.

Across the set from CAREY are three podiums, with a contestant standing at each podium. The contestants are BOB HERBERT of The New York Times, LOUIS DIUGUID of The Kansas City Star, and JOE THE PLUMBER. The lead-in music – “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist,” from Avenue Q – concludes as the lights come up. The audience applauds wildly.

CAREY: Thank you, thank you everyone! Gosh, it’s great to be here with you. You may not know this, but we’re celebrating a very special occasion tonight – the 100th episode of America’s favorite game show, everybody say it with me now:

AUDIENCE and CAREY (shouting): “Guess Who’s The Racist!”

CAREY: That’s right! Every Tuesday night on “Guess Who’s The Racist,” we all come together and find the hidden racism within people like you and me! The panelist who has the most correct answers gets an all-expenses-paid trip to ObamaWorld, located right next to Universal Studios in lovely Hollywood, California.

AUDIENCE (on cue): Oooooh!

CAREY: Ooooh indeed! Well, let’s start the show. Because it’s a special night, we’ve got some celebrities with us! First, we’ve got Bob Herbert, columnist for The New York Times, who was savvy enough to spot racism in all of its nasty forms during the 2008 election.

HERBERT (waving): Hello, America!

CAREY: And next, we have the incomparable Louis Diuguid of The Kansas City Star, who proved to Americans that the word “socialist” was a racial slur in October of 2008!

DIUGUID (waving): Helllloooooo!

CAREY: And finally, we have Joe The Plumber, who was used by both President Obama and John McCain in the primaries as a campaign prop. Joe has been spending the last few months in a Racism Rehabilitation Camp in Walla Walla, Washington. Let’s give him a big hand, and hope he’s learned enough to match the competitiveness of these two amazing players!

JOE (waving): Hi!

AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOO!!! RACIST! WHITE SUPREMACIST! BOOOOOOO!

(Joe looks puzzled and hurt, and drops his hand.)

CAREY: All right, take it easy, folks. It’s not Joe’s fault he’s a racist; it’s just because he’s from a rural area and bitter about it. He’s trying really hard, honestly he is. Let’s see how he does on our first question. Are you ready, panelists?

PANELISTS: Yes!

Deprogramming and Kool-aid Detox

I’ve been asked repeatedly of late if I have any tips for people who have loved ones trapped in the cult of Obama.  After consulting with my good friend Captain Spaulding who has lots of experience with cults and trapping people, I offer this handy guide.

Obamamania is no joke.  The first step is believing the media hype.  Then comes the experimentation with Kool-aid, and before you know it, BAM! – you’re a brain-eating zombie.

It makes me ill when I smell the fetid stench of sugary swamp bilge oozing from some Kool-aid slurper’s pores.  I think it’s the rotting odor of decaying brain cells wafting out with every hot exhalation.

You can spot an Obot by looking for some or all of the following signs:

1.  The inability to use logic and think rationally.

2.  Paranoid delusions that everyone (except fellow cult-members) is a racist

3. Uncontrollable outbursts of sexism and misogyny (similar to Tourette’s)

4.  Bright discoloration around the nostrils (caused by snorting the Kool-aid in powder form)

If your friend or beloved family member isn’t already, um . . . “receptive and ready” to begin deprogramming, you will have go catch them convince them to come with you for treatment.  The Captain recommends duct tape and a large windowless van for transportation.

Before your patient arrives, you need to make preparations.  We recommend a large house, preferably with a basement and neighbors who mind their own business.  Select a well-lit and cozy room and furnish it with a comfortable bed and chairs.  On every wall should hang several pictures of Hillary and Bill Clinton.  Pleasant music and aroma-therapy scents should be brought in.  This will be your room.

Take the least desirable room of the house, and remove any amenities like carpeting or lighting.  Board up the windows but be sure to leave openings for cold drafts.  Plumbing is optional, depending on your sense of smell and how hard you plan to work.  A plastic bucket works for the Captain, but you may want to include lots of air freshener.

“Brain-eating” is a metaphor, your patient will eat other things.  Gruel is a common and easy to prepare meal, with some occasional “mystery meat” from your refrigerator for variety.  DO NOT feed them Cheetos, no matter how much they beg or plead.  Those little orange puffs of imitation food are a gateway drug.

The length and intensity of the treatment will depend on how much you really care about your patient and what happens on November 4th.  For the first step in the treatment process you will need to obtain a fish about 18 inches to 2 feet in length.  Fresh fish are available for a reasonable price in most large supermarkets, but for those on a budget you can obtain not-so-fresh fish for free from the supermarket dumpster. 

Secure your patient to a chair with generous amounts of duct tape, leaving their head and shoulders exposed.  Blindfolds optional.  In a loud firm voice say “Nobama”  while striking your patient across the face with the fish.  (Don’t hold back, really smack them)  Continue saying “Nobama” while striking them back and forth in the face with the fish.  Go ahead and yell it if the neighbors can’t hear.  Keep doing this until your arms are too tired to continue.

This won’t help your patient but by now you should feel much better.  Repeat Step 1 as often as you feel like it, but eventually you may need another fish.

With luck, sometime around mid-November you can release your patient while laughing at them mockingly.  It is possible,  however, that you may have to keep them somewhat longer, until they either exclaim “My God, what did I do?” or you lose patience and brick up the entrance to their room.  (I will remind you that Captain Spaulding does need organ donors and is willing to pay finder’s fees, no questions asked.)

I hope this guide has been helpful.  Good luck and happy hunting.

The REAL Story of the Financial Crisis: A Play in One Dishonest Act.

(Happy New Year to all you Joooz out there! May it bring health, happiness and the strength to make it through the tough times ahead.)

Trust Me!

SCENE I: The Oval Office. GEORGE W. BUSH is sitting behind his desk, staring at the ceiling, bored. There are two chairs on either side of his desk; one is a wing chair, and one is a chair that swivels. The back of that chair is facing the audience; light snoring issues forth from it, but we cannot see who occupies it.

BUSH is waiting for HENRY PAULSON, his Secretary of the Treasury, to come in and tell him what to do about the credit crisis. He amuses himself by spinning in circles in his leather executive chair.

A knock is heard at the door.

BUSH: Come in, Paulie! (continues spinning around in his chair)

PAULSON (entering with a smile): Mr. President!

BUSH (stopping the spinning to look at PAULSON): Geez, Paulie, am I glad to see you! (Tries to get up from the chair to shake PAULSON’s hand, staggers and puts his hand on the desk to recover)

PAULSON (indulgently): Now, George, I’ve warned you about spinning in that chair – it always makes you dizzy!

BUSH (petulantly): Then they shouldn’t make it so much fun! (refocusing, gesturing for PAULSON to sit down) Anyway, Paulie, what’s goin’ on in this here economy?

PAULSON (sitting in the wing chair beside BUSH’s desk): Mr. President, we’re in a heckuva mess, I tell you. The credit market is completely frozen. No one will lend businesses money so that they can continue, well, doing business. It’s all because of that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae stuff. They went a little crazy with those subprime mortgages.

The DemFather: A Play in One Powerful Act

Not a Pretty Sight

THE SCENE: A small Italian restaurant in the Village. BARACK OBAMA and BILL CLINTON have just finished their lunch and are smoking cigars and drinking espresso. It is September 11, 2008, and their first one-to-one contact since the primaries ended. Phoniness is oozing from every pore of both politicians. The theme from “The Godfather” is heard playing in the background.

BILL: Well, how’d you like the food?

OBAMA (puffing on his cigar): Not bad, Bill, not bad. Chicago has great pizza, but the Italian food is much better in New York. Maybe Michelle and I will get a place here once I’m President, just like you and Hillary did!

BILL (smoothly): Why sure, Barack, that would be great! I’m sure Michelle and the kids would love New York. (some of Bill’s insincerity drops away) And maybe the people of New York can finally get that damn memorial built. The lights are fine, but every time I see them I just think of how that Saudi Arabian bastard got away with it, and I get so mad…

OBAMA (still totally insincere): Yeah, Bill, uh, me too. Anywho, I was hoping we could get down to business.

BILL (the mask back in place): Excellent idea, Barack! I’ve got some great ideas on how we can help each other. Here’s what I think –

OBAMA (interrupting): Really, Bill? Cause I was thinking you could campaign for me in Ohio, Pennsylvania and –

BILL (the mask dropping away completely): Shut up, Barack. I’m talking now, and I’m the goddamn President of the United States. Show a little goddamn respect, you little pissant!

BARACK (pulling up his chin and looking down his nose): Fine. I’ll take that from you – for now. Go ahead, (with sarcastic emphasis) Mister President.