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    • Hope Is Bullshit
      I am unintersted in “hope.” Or as we called it in the Obama bullshit years, Hopium. Hope is not a plan. Hope is bullshit. Luck is real, but you don’t count on luck other than in the sense that the harder you work, and the more things you do, the more likely you are to […]
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I’m not dead yet

So, I got back from sunny California yesterday and found a foot of heavy snow waiting in my driveway. Before I could even park in my driveway and sleep off a red-eye, complicated by my two aisle mates (18A and 18B, you know who you are), who kept jumping up to use the bathroom, just as I was falling asleep, I had to shovel it out. Then there was the power steering of my car that is making a very expensive sound. And to top it all off, I have to clean up this post Christmas wreck before I sit down to write my multi-page trip report.

I have a lot to do this afternoon. I’ll probably check in later, if I’m not too depressed over the diagnosis of my power steering problem and not too tired from vacuuming.

In the meantime, here’s a video from Mompetition that should go viral. I wish I had started earlier with Brooke…

Vamp until I get back.

Successful Holiday Parties

Good party

Ok, sports fans, you’ve been sitting at your keyboard for far too long.  Admit it.  I know what you’re thinking.  “Just one more page and I’ll get up and put the laundry away.” or “I just have to finish watching this 12th version of Giselle’s solo from Act I and I’ll clean the bathroom.  Ooo, look, there’s one from the Bolshoi!” (BTW, I’ve watched almost all of them and Gelsey Kirkland’s ethereal Giselle is the best so far.)

Anyway, you know you should be doing other things.  Like preparing for a holiday party.  Dave Barry has some tips on how to throw the perfect Christmas party:

Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly – sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping other people’s drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four: Your guests have hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.

The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word “eggnog” comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word “egg,” meaning, “egg.” I don’t know where the “nog” comes from. To make eggnog, you’ll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don’t arrest anybody. Or if they’re dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn’t you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you’re not doing anything illegal.

Read the whole thing here.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?  But, wait, you say.  I have C.H.A.O.S, Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome.  Ok, so you’ve been glued to political blogs for the past 3, er, 5 years and your house is a total wreck.  No time like the present to spruce it up.  Or at least make a dent in the papers that are in a pile on your desk, or in your car.  Do one room today until the end of the week and voile!, you’ll be ready for Christmas before you know it.  If you’re really serious about cleaning up your act, check out this post at Apartmenttherapy: “How to clean your house in 20 minutes a day for 30 days”  For day 19,

19. Clean entryway, sweep porch (if you have one), clean out car (because they’re often our home away from home)

Sounds like a plan.  Hop to it, Conflucians.

Here’s a little ditty to irritate you into action: