Scratching Post Saturday Night! What a PUMA looks like to the DNC:

Well folks, another Saturday Scratching Post is here and what a week!  Obama-Jesus DNC-Christ SuperStah will return next week from his “OMFG! EUROPE LOOOOOOOVES HIM!” tour so why doesn’t he stay there then, it’s not like we LOOOVE him here.   Other than give away free food, pay for a concert and speak to 20,000 Berliners, he chose to diss our wounded veterans. 

Can’t wait to hear Lanni Davis defend that on “No We Won’t Radio with Sheri Tag” this Sunday at 8pm. 

Lanny, for Democracy’s sake, I hope that you can take a moment tomorrow and acknowledge what is happening to the “Democratic” Party (and I use quotes because it truly is ironic to use a word like “”Democratic” to describe a party that no longer operates as such).   

Almost every political poll in the past two weeks shows how “Undecided” voters are growing as the DNC’s coronation draws near.  Gee, what about all those Yellow Dog Democrats, you say?  Didn’t you get the news Lanny?  Ole Yeller died– and from its broken bones, a PUMA emerged.  Maybe this example is too extreme, but it certainly demonstrates how the seed of discontent is slowly turning into a Domino Effect: 

Whatever you do or say tomorrow, Lanny dear, please don’t make us support the DNC’s selection of an illegitimate candidate.  It’s not about Hillary anymore.  It’s about fighting for Democracy and how every vote should count.  It’s about fighting what Harold Ickes said at the RBC on May 31st, 2008, the “hijacking” of Democracy itself.

Speaking of “fighting,” this morning our gracious PUMA High Priestess Mother Riverdaughter said the DNC thinks that PUMAs are “a mullet headed Che Guevara with ADHD.”  GaryChapellHill brought it to my attention that this phrase would make a perfect “Satire on a Budget”  moment.  Special h/t to Mawm for GIMP software suggestion – and yes, it’s definitely a “satire on budget” moment:

Bill Burton’s Secret Weapon: A Play in One Scientific Act.

THE SCENE: BILL BURTON, Barack Obama’s campaign manager, is sitting behind a large chrome and glass desk in a well-appointed, modern office. A large, sleek metal box with two buttons rests on top of the desk. One button is red, and reads “Verbiage;” the other is green, and reads “Statistics.”]

There is a computer (the latest Mac, of course) and a printer on the side of the desk. His iPhone is lying on the desk: Bill is [duh!] too hip for a landline. Besides which, he doesn’t want AT&T spying on HIM!

In front of the desk is DAVID AXELROD, Barack Obama’s right-hand man. They are sipping cups of coffee and finishing up croissants. AXELROD also has an iPhone in his hand, from which he will read the action items for the meeting.

BURTON: Ah! The almond croissant was particularly moist today. So, David, what’s on the agenda?

AXELROD: Okay, Bill, we’ve got several things that need our immediate attention. First off, as you know, President Obama’s foreign-policy experience has now been brought up to parity with John McCain’s after his week-long tour of Europe and the Middle East. So we’re all good there. However, we estimated that a million people would attend his speech in Berlin, and even with two free concerts thrown in, we were nowhere near that number. Can we figure out how many people attended?

BURTON: No problemo! [addressing the box on his desk] Computer, how many people attended the Berlin rally?

COMPUTER [in sultry female voice]: Please press the green button. [BURTON does so.] Your answer is: Two hundred thousand.

AXELROD: Great, great. I’ll send it out now. [notates the number in his iPhone and quickly sends it off to his press mailing list] Okay, next item is: The President skipped a visit to the troops while in Berlin because the Pentagon wouldn’t allow him to bring in his cameras. How do we make it clear that President Obama does not, in fact, think of the troops as just a campaign prop?

BURTON [drawing in his breath]: Oooooh, that’s a tough one. Let’s see what our girl can come up with. Computer, what is the reason for Obama’s skipping his visit to the troops?

COMPUTER: Please press the red button. [BURTON does so.] Your answer is: I.A.C.F.

If we’re PUMAs, then Obamaphiles are…

CHEATahs!

(Insert British narrotor voice): "The Obama CHEATah is a malignant predator on Democracy. Like its predeccesor, the DITTOHEAD and Republicans 2000-2008, the CHEATah cheats and steals votes in order to win elections. They also are experts in creating false narratives to hide the flaws of their incompetent, inexperienced and ineligible candidate. CHEATahs roam the blogosphere, DNC and mainstream media.

CHEATahs even have their own teeny-bopper girl group!

The CHEATah Girls, comprised of Senator Claire McCaskill, MADAME Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and DNC Committee Chair Donna Brazile are a triple-threat to Democracy.

UPDATE:  H/T to Delphyne for informing me that the CHEATah boy band sensation driving the O-borg astroturfing, “The CHEAT-o Boyz,” recently made an appearance at Netroots Nation:

The Mother Of Us All: A Play in One Condescending Act.

THE SCENE: NANCY PELOSI’s office. Like her home, it is tastefully furnished in pastels. Comfy chairs are placed strategically around her desk. PELOSI is sitting behind it, looking at her computer screen and humming slightly.

[A knock is heard at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in!

[HOWARD DEAN, HARRY REID and DONNA BRAZILE enter.]

PELOSI [smiling]: Hi, everyone! How’s everything going? Is all well with Obama for America?

DEAN: Oh, absolutely, Nancy! That trip to Europe and the Middle East has the media creaming its collective pants.

BRAZILE: Oh, HELL yeah. Man, you should see the photo-ops our future President has been getting!

REID [muttering]: Yeah – too bad we can’t tape his mouth shut.

PELOSI [sweetly]: What was that, Harry dear?

REID [sighing]: Nothing, Nancy. Anyway, the reason we’re here –

PELOSI: Let me guess – PUMA?

[ALL FOUR SIGH SIMULTANEOUSLY. REID, DEAN AND BRAZILE sit down dispiritedly.]

DEAN: Nancy, we just don’t know what to do.

BRAZILE: We’ve tried telling them we don’t need them and to get over it –

REID: We’ve tried ignoring them –

DEAN: Nothing is working! They STILL say they won’t vote for President Obama!

PELOSI [soothingly]: Now, now, everyone calm down. All they’re looking for is a little reassurance that we respect and honor them. [rising] No offense, but I think what you need is a more motherly approach.

BRAZILE: I KNEW we came to the right place! Harry, I can’t believe you didn’t want to ask her.

REID [exasperated]: Jesus, Donna! The important thing is, we’re here now. So, Nancy, what do you suggest?

PELOSI [sitting back down behind her desk]: Come back in 15 minutes. I promise you won’t be disappointed. [PELOSI, BRAZILE AND REID file out of the office.]

[FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS. Another knock at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in, everyone!

[BRAZILE, DEAN AND REID come in and sit down expectantly.]

DEAN: Well, Nancy, what have you got for us?

PELOSI: Check it out! [rising, clearing her throat, pacing while reading]

“Dearest PUMAs,

Please do not worry about a thing. All your concerns will be addressed once President Obama has taken office. You should emulate that paragon of patriotism, Britney Spears, and just trust us with the future of your country. After all, we have done such a great job with our majority since 2006!

As for the Vice Presidentship, that is President Obama’s decision, not yours. I hate to be stern with you, because we really value your unquestioning support, but you realize that we are in charge and not you, don’t you? I mean, it’s not like it would really matter anyway. Hillary is yesterday’s news. We are moving forward into a new, post-partisan, unicorn-filled future with our young, handsome, charming rockstar candidate!

So why don’t you all just give up and let us do whatever we want? Resistance is futile, and you will be assimilated.

Love and kisses,

Grandma Pelosi”

[PELOSI stops, and waits expectantly. DEAN, BRAZILE and REID sit in stunned silence. Then, happy, relieved smiles break over their faces.]

BRAZILE: Damn, Nancy, that was fantastic!

DEAN: Wow. Great, great job, Madame Speaker. The iron fist in the velvet glove.

REID: Yeah – even I’ve gotta admit, that was a stellar performance. Brava!

PELOSI [preening]: Well, this oughta fix their wagon. Nothing can stop Obama now!

[ALL FOUR LAUGH. The Princess phone on PELOSI’s desk rings.]

PELOSI: Hello? Oh, Hillary, is that you? [EVERYONE stops laughing.] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-HUH. Well…um…of course that’s your decision…uh…yes, yes, of course. I understand. [PELOSI hangs up the phone, shell-shocked.]

[brief pause while EVERYONE looks at PELOSI.]

REID [who can’t take the tension any more]: Damnit, Nancy! What happened!

PELOSI: Well, um…it appears that Hillary has been getting an earful from her supporters. She has decided to place her name in nomination at the Convention, so that means…she could actually win instead of Barack.

[EVERYONE is mute with consternation.]

BRAZILE [breaking the silence]: Well, well, well. Looks like it’s gonna be a very interesting summer.

[LIGHTS OUT]

Cross-posted at Oooh, nuance!

Obama’s Runway: A Play in One Terrifying Act.

[photo of Barack Obama, Getty Images; Project Runway logo, website]

[THE SCENE: A theatre with a long runway extending from the stage area. Seated beside the runway in three directors’ chairs are BARACK OBAMA, MICHELLE OBAMA and DAVID AXELROD, Obama’s right-hand man. On the proscenium arch above the stage, a sign reads: “Election Runway – You’re Either In, or You’re Out!” Written below it are the words, “DEMOCRATS ENTER HERE.”YOUNG VOTER #1: OMG, I am like so excited about this election! I can’t believe we get to choose among so many great candidates. Finally, good-bye to Bush and those horrible Republicans!

MIDDLE-AGED VOTER #2: Yeah. God, the Republicans suck. Some of them actually said they didn’t believe in evolution? What century are they living in?

[ALL THE VOTERS LAUGH DERISIVELY.]

OLDER VOTER #3: Look at us. We represent the best of this country. We’ve got a woman, an African American AND a Hispanic! Those Republicans are so boring. Nothing but white men as far as the eye can see!

[AXELROD clears his throat.]

AXELROD: Okay, people, let’s get this show on the road!

VOTERS [muttering to themselves]: Who’s that guy? What’s going on? Where are the other candidates?

OBAMA [clapping his hands together]: People, please! Can we have a little quiet so we can start the show?

[THE VOTERS quiet down, but look confused. A woman raises her hand.]

WOMAN: Uh, Senator Obama? Where are the other candidates? I thought this was Election Runway!

[While the voters and the judges talk, HOWARD DEAN enters through the stage curtains and switches the sign from “Election Runway” to “Obama’s Runway.” He then bows and exits the same way he came.]

MICHELLE [smiling]: Tell ’em, Barack.

OBAMA: Democratic Voters, this – is Obama’s Runway! As you know, in politics, one day you’re in – and the next day, you’re out!

Email Tale

Recently, the following documents were recovered during the summer cleaning of dormitory housing of a nearby state college. Analysis reveals that the documents consist of email print-outs and are stained with a mixture of Cheeto residue, Kool-aid and “personal lubricant” Several pages also contain DNA samples of unknown origin.

Here are the documents in chronological order:

Date: 12/01/07

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Welcome to Obama Bloggers! We are happy to have you as a member of our team.

Senator Barack Obama needs elite and informed individuals like yourself to help spread the word about his post-partisan progressive vision for America. In order to accomplish this goal you will receive daily (sometimes hourly) updates with the latest talking points. We encourage you to register under as many aliases as possible at several different progressive blogs. When you receive an update, go to each blog and “spread the word.”

We must put an end to the politics of the past, exemplified by Hillary Clinton and her triangulating and “say anything to win” tactics.

Senator Obama looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

 

Date: 01/10/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

What we feared most has come to pass. Bill Clinton is spreading racist smears about Senator Obama. He has referred to Senator Obama as a “kid” and said his claims about Iraq are a “fairy tale.”

We cannot allow such vile racism to go unchallenged! Go to your assigned blogs and protest.

Dave

 

Date: 01/31/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Our polls show that Senator Obama will sweep the Super Tuesday contests. Unfortunately, many Hillary supporters refuse to believe this and continue to support her. We suggest using the “recommend” and “rating” functions at the important blogs to shut those bitches up. Don’t be shy about expressing your opinion of these shrill dead-enders who are standing in the way of progress.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 02/06/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Apparently there are more racists in this nation than we expected, especially in California, Massachusetts and New Jersey. However, we expect the rest of February to be very favorable for Senator Obama.

We need volunteers to participate is some state caucuses, if you are interested please contact my office. Travel expenses paid.

Dave

 

 

Date: 02/28/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Despite the lies you may have heard, Senator Obama is a strong opponent of NAFTA. He is the most progressive candidate running, and Hillary only continues to run in order to damage him so that John McCain will win. In fact, we have reliable reports Hillary intends to be McCain’s running mate.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 03/17/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama will be giving a speech tomorrow to put an end to the controversy surrounding Rev. Wright. It is important that you promptly post your overwhelmingly positive reaction to this speech, including how it affected you emotionally and moved you to tears.

Actually viewing the speech will be helpful to you in providing detailed comments, so check your local listings.

Dave

 

 

Date: 04/23/08 

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

As the polls have shown, Pennsylvania is infested with racists.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

 

Date: 05/13/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama is the inevitable nominee, despite expected narrow losses in West Virginia and Kentucky, where we didn’t even try to compete anyway.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 06/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

The Rules and Bylaws Committee has rendered a fair and just compromise decision.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan count!

 

 

Date: 06/05/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

There seems to have been a slight miscalculation. It turns out that Senator Obama will be needing some or all of the former supporters of Senator Clinton after all. We need to you go to those pro-Hillary blogs and talk sense to those old bitches.

While you’re there, see if you can find out anything about something called “PUMA” that we’ve been hearing about.

Dave

 

 Date: 06/15/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama thanks you for your support in running a post-partisan centrist campaign. He looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

PS: Don’t forget to donate!

 

Date: 07/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: R. Chadwick Throckmorton III

Thank you for your interest in “Obama Fellows 2008.” We congratulate you on receiving you recent degree, however we are only accepting applications from graduates of nationally-accredited universities at this time.

Cordially

Chad

(Cross-posted at Klownhaus)

The Scratching Post celebrates Bastille Day!!

From the world’s free encylopedia, i.e. Wikipedia, about Bastille Day:

The storming of the Bastille was more important as a rallying point and symbolic act of rebellion than a practical act of defiance.

And what is PUMA?  We are the peasants, the farmers & everyday people who have had it UP TO HERE with the unfair, undemocratic ways of our leaders and we WILL take the DNC to task.  Who told them what to do with OUR Democratic party?  Are we going sit along and take more crap or are we going to storm the Bastille? 

I say we’ve already started to take that MUTHA DOWN. 

The only way to that is if we continue the efforts we’ve made at Just Say No Deal, and the wonderful donations to pay down Hillary’s Debt , (Marianne “symbol of Liberty and Reason” of the Democratic Party) – at the coffee cup & T-shirt on the right column of this very blog.   Carol Diamonds & Her FuzzyBear who leans (and just where it feels SO GOOD) would appreciate it!  We can do this! PUMA is 1.5 months old, !!  Will Bower, PUMA Chieftan Supreme says we conservatively have $6 million paid off, but we won’t know until July 20th.  So IF you can, in the name of LIBERTY AND DEMOCRACY, please donate at the right hand column coffee cup or T-Shirt!!!!!!                          —>

Claude Monet, Rue Montorgueil, Paris, Festival of June 30, 1878. Oil on canvas, Musée d'Orsay, Paris, France.

I don’t know about you, but doesn’t Rico look FIIIINE in his tilted French beret?  YUMMY!!!  He is seriously making a Caribbean Latina sweat tonight!!!   He’s ready to serve up Moet Chandon flutes with strawberries (if you like), delicious Pink PUMA cocktails and Mountain Lion Martinis to all Bastille Day Conflucians.  Our wonderful waitstaff are serving Pate and Foie Gras appetizers.  WOW, Flo is ever so wondrously sexy in her can-can girl outfit – bustier and split-to-there ruffled skirt, but she will kick a Smiegly DOWN if necessary with her jujitsu trained legs, OR kindly hold a merde word you choose to use.

At the Scratching Post, we always encourage freedom, and this will operate as an open thread.  Say what you like, do what you like, be what you like, but remember to BE YOU.  You are not alone, you have friends at the Confluence who feel the same way as you do.  We won’t allow our nation and our party to go down the drain.  We will be the chemotherapy to this cancer of corruption and pseudo-progressivism that has polluted our Democratic tenets of “one person, one vote.”  We are PUMAs – proud and vigilant – and we are not going to “get over it.” 

For our entertainment tonight, a gracious visit from the QUEEN GRACE JONES and her rendition of “La Vie En Rose.”   I’m a proud child of the 80s and Grace Jones is one of the Diva Goddesses I worship (had to include GRACE JONES WORSHIP, forgive me).  Yet, I really believe Edith Piaf would be proud to see her signature song performed in such an artistic way. 

For the more studious minded, this Conflucian PUMA invites you to read the AWESOME AND FANTABULOSO posts today (scroll below), from MYIQ2XU, GaryChapellHill and the PUMA High Priestess, The Shaman of Satire herself, Mother Riverdaughter.  Everything they said and VIVE LE LIBERTE!

He’s Just Not That Into You: A Play In One Hopeless Act.

THE SCENE: The bottom of a church basement, the place of many an AA meeting. Coffee cups, cigarette butts and cookie crumbs are strewn everywhere. A long cafeteria-style table is at the front of the room, with a podium next to it. Seated at the table are MARKOS MOULITSAS, CHRIS BOWERS, ARMANDO LLORENS (BIG TENT DEMOCRAT), JOHN ARAVOSIS, ANDREW SULLIVAN and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON. The boys all wear chinos and button-down shirts. KOS has an orange band around his head – almost like a crown. ARIANNA is wearing her traditional camisole-as-shirt and eyeing the men flirtatiously. SULLIVAN sports a snappy bowtie.

At the podium are the authors of the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” GREG BEHRENDT and LIZ TUCILLO. Throughout this whole play, GREG and LIZ speak to the bloggers in a typical motivational-speaker way – in other words, as if they are eight-year-old children.

Above the podium a sign reads, “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.” GREG and LIZ also have nametags on. LIZ bangs a gavel to bring the meeting to order.

LIZ (brightly): Hello, everyone! I’m Liz –

GREG: And I’m Greg –

TOGETHER: And welcome to, He’s Just Not That Into You!

LIZ [sobering quickly]: Today, we’re here to talk to you about Senator Barack Obama. You all supported him pretty strongly in the primaries, didn’t you? [The bloggers all nod.] Now, why did you do that?

BTD: I didn’t REALLY like him better. I just thought he was more electable than Hillary.

KOS: He wasn’t Hillary! I hate that bitch! And besides, the Clinton Era is over. O-V-E-R!! The time of the blogger is NOW! We are crashing the gate! Obama is the progressive leader who will make our concerns his own. Power to the people!

ARAVOSIS and HUFFINGTON: Yeah! What he said!

SULLIVAN: I hate Hillary too, but Obama? He is Jesus and Elvis. He is the most historic, transformational –

GREG: Um, yes, we get it. Thank you, Andrew. Chris, what about you?

BOWERS: Obama is just like me! We drink the same beer PBR OMG OMG we go to Whole Foods!!! [becomes a little dizzy; ARIANNA solicitously pats his arm and offers him a drink of water]

LIZ: Whoa, take it easy there, Chris. I think we understand. Thanks, everyone, for your input. So, you guys all picked Obama as the nominee, and he won. Good for you!

[Everyone high-fives – HUFFINGTON leans forward, smiling and flashing her cleavage a bit.]

GREG: Yes, good for you. Now, let’s talk about what’s been happening lately. I heard he’s been going back on his promises and has stopped returning your calls. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to get his attention – and now he’s done something that really hurts your feelings. He voted to legalize Bush’s warrantless wiretapping and immunize the telecom companies from prosecution. Is that about on target?

BTD: Ha! Don’t make me out to be like one of these losers. I always saw Obama clearly. Pols are pols. Either he was lying then or he’s lying now, but no matter what, I’m going to vote for him because he’s a Democrat.

SULLIVAN: Oh, the FISA thing is no big deal. What is starting to bother me is his personality. Maybe he’s a little too full of himself lately. Still, there’s no denying what a transformational moment his presidency would be!

BOWERS: Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo. Hey, look at this pretty electoral map I made!

KOS: I’m very fucking annoyed. Those ridiculous PUMAs will only feel vindicated now. Of course, everyone knows he will still be a great President, so it will all work out in the end.

HUFFINGTON: Well, I have nothing to say on the matter. I’d rather talk about Karl Rove!

ARAVOSIS: Barack who? It was the Senate that passed the FISA bill.

[LIZ and GREG look at each other, puzzled.]

LIZ: Gosh, folks, you don’t seem to be getting what I’m saying here. Barack Obama promised to filibuster the FISA amendment bill if it contained telecom immunity. This was very important to all of you. You thought it made him special and progressive and unique. Then, he went back on his promise. Worse than that, Hillary Clinton kept her promise and voted against telecom immunity, so it looks like maybe you were wrong to hate her so. Meanwhile, Senator Obama has been “refining” more positions lately – including pretending he did not promise to immediately withdraw troops from Iraq and have everyone home in 16 months – but he says he will, right on his website!

Don’t you feel betrayed, like Joan Walsh? Don’t you feel like maybe, just maybe, he’s not that into you?

[All the bloggers squirm in their seats and are silent. Finally KOS takes the lead.]

KOS [standing]: Jesus Christ. I don’t have to take this crap. Obama’s my guy and I’m sticking by him.

BOWERS: [standing] Me too. And he loves me, he really does. I know it in my heart! He’ll come back to me after he’s President.

BTD [standing, disgusted]: Ahhhh, this New Age crap is for the birds. Obama’s a Democrat and that’s all I care about. I’m outta here.

ARAVOSIS: [standing] McCain sucks. Obama forever!

HUFFINGTON: [standing] Well I, personally, have no problems with what Obama did on FISA. He’s just pandering to get elected. I AM the one I’ve been waiting for. Good-bye! [they are all leaving]

SULLIVAN: [standing] Well, I personally think Obama’s just fine, as long as he doesn’t get too big a head. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Later! [he follows the others out the door]

[LIZ and GREG look at each other in astonishment. Their cheery personas fall away and they become matter-of-fact. They shrug, then get to work cleaning up the coffee cups.]

LIZ: Worst case of denial I ever saw.

GREG: You said it, sister.

[LIGHTS OUT]

Friday Fundraising Fest!

H/T to Katiebird for the Puma & Cocktail!

Ok, Conflucian PUMAs, put on your dancing shoes & get your Clinton Cocktail and dance!

UPDATE: Changed the video, sound quality not the greatest – this one is much better. 

Clip is from Puma Carranza and Rocio on the Latin American version of “Dancing with the Stars” (Baliando con las Estrellas).  Yes, it’s just as cheesy as the US version but hard not to look away. 

Rico and the bouncers are checking for ID and there is a $5.00 cover charge.  You can click on the Just Say No Deal “5 Bux for Hillary” coffee cup on the right hand screen OR click HERE to give our Hillary a debt-free weekend. 

If you don’t have the funds, a good Conflucian will spot you a fiver (please?)

UPDATE:  If you want the Hillary prize-winning t-shirt, you can order HERE.

Rico will be serving drinks in a HOT bicep enhancing V-neck, wowza!   Flo will be checking in words you don’t want to say in front of the kiddies.

 For the more studious minded, I think Maggie Gallager is in a pre-PUMA stage, with her latest opinion piece Obama is a Politician:

 And Obama promises to vastly expand taxpayer obligations for a new and expensive network of benefits at the same time that neither he nor anyone else in Washington — including John McCain — will tell us how to pay for our existing underfunded obligations to senior citizens in Social Security, Medicare and prescription drug benefits. All gain, no pain. That’s Obama’s totally conventional Washington promise to the American people.

¡A bailar!  – Let’s Dance!

 

 

 

Who Killed Ole Yeller? A Play in One Mysterious Act.

***NOTE: Thanks to SM at The Confluence for inspiring this one. As you can see, I’m over my qualms. You are brilliant, SM!

THE SCENE: An old-fashioned parlor out of Agatha Christie, with sofas, chairs, a fireplace, porcelains on the mantel, etc. HILLARY CLINTON, wearing a yellow pantsuit, is standing center stage. Seated are NANCY PELOSI, BARACK OBAMA, DONNA BRAZILE and HOWARD DEAN. Standing in the corner with arms folded is Obama’s right-hand man, DAVID AXELROD.

HILLARY: All right everyone, you know why we’re here. A crime has been committed, and it’s a very serious one. I figured we are all suspects, so we might as well get our stories straight.

OBAMA (sullenly): Well, it wasn’t me.

AXELROD: Barack – take it easy. Remember – Unity, hope, change! [OBAMA rolls his eyes.]

BRAZILE [faux-fended]: For Pete’s sake, Hillary, what the hell am I doing here? I’m neutral! How could I be guilty? Don’t you know I work for CNN?

[Brief pause]

ALL except BRAZILE: HAHAHAHAHA! [BRAZILE glares at everyone, then slowly breaks into a grin and laughs along with them]

HILLARY [wiping her eyes]: Whew! Thanks for the laugh, Donna. That really broke the ice! [returning to seriousness] Okay, are we ready to get down to business?

PELOSI [with a stern look at the others]: Go ahead, Hillary. We’re ready.

HILLARY: Thank you, Madame Speaker. [takes out a police report and scans it while speaking] All right now, as we know, Ole Yeller, the Yellow Dog Democrat, died sometime during the primary season. The voters aren’t sure when it happened, but they know he’s gone to another, more Independent place. He’ll never vote straight Democrat again. A moment of silence for poor Ole Yeller, if you would.

[ALL bow their heads.]

HILLARY [sighing and resuming her spiel]: Right at this moment, things are looking pretty grim for our Party because of Ole Yeller’s death. We can’t bring him back to life, but maybe if we figure out how he died, we can persuade the voters to get a replacement. A New Yeller, if you will. [The others groan.]

OBAMA: Jeez, Hillary, can’t you get to the point a little faster?

HILLARY [muttering]: Amateur. [PELOSI snorts in agreement.]

DEAN: Obama’s right. Let’s just start talking about how none of us could have done it, then we’ll all blame Hillary and go home. Deal? [HILLARY shakes her head with a little half-smile, then sits down by the fireplace.]

BRAZILE: That’s a great idea, Howard! I’ll go first. [stands up, begins pacing the room dramatically] Of COURSE I couldn’t have done it. I mean, no one knows better than me how to win over Democrats. Look at my record! Every Presidential candidate I’ve worked with has won! [grins triumphantly, arms out]

AXELROD [crossing to BRAZILE]: Uh, Donna, you might want to check that statement. You’ve chalked up more losses than wins in your column, unless you’re seriously claiming that Dukakis, Jesse Jackson, Gephardt and Gore all became President? [Donna’s grin falters, and she sits down sheepishly] Oh yes, you definitely could have done it…unlike me. Look at my incredible record running campaigns and working for Democratic politicians. I got Deval Patrick elected, and then, of course, Barack. I could not be more innocent. Ole Yeller loved me and my candidates!

PELOSI [standing]: Ha! Your [sarcastic] brilliant campaign made a lot of women very angry. I know because they kept calling me. [imitating the callers] “Why does Obama call women ‘sweetie’ and offer to kiss them for votes? Why doesn’t he say something about all the misogyny from his supporters and surrogates? What was that stuff about being periodically down?” Blah blah blah. They’re a bunch of whiners, but they do have a point. So don’t tell me about how you couldn’t have killed that dog. You’re just as guilty as Donna here.

OBAMA: [standing] And what about you, Nancy?

PELOSI [bristling]: That’s Speaker Pelosi to you.

OBAMA [smiling]: My apologies, Madame Speaker. [PELOSI is somewhat mollified. Of course, it’s hard to tell because of the Botoxed frozenness of her face.] But my question remains, what about you? Thanks to your inability to get us out of Iraq, Congress’ “good to excellent” approval rating is 9%. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right guys? [THE MEN ALL SNICKER. HILLARY glares at Obama until he stops laughing.] Uh, anyway, looks like you’re not so innocent either.

PELOSI [dignified]: Fine. I’ll admit that I’m not a saint. But Senator Obama, can you do the same?

OBAMA [offended]: Who, me? Are you kidding? I AM the Democratic Party! I moved the DNC to Chicago! I’m Obama for America! And besides, everyone loves me. Yes, I can!

HILLARY [unable to keep silent]: Oh, for god’s sake, Barack, you don’t believe your own propaganda, do you? Save it for your deluded worshipers in the blogosphere!

AXELROD [aside to Obama]: Yeah, Barack. I told you that most of those [makes air quotes with his hands] “anonymous supporters” work for me anyway.

OBAMA [ignoring AXELROD, sneering at HILLARY]: Oh please, woman, like you have the right to tell me what to do! I am the nominee! I won! I’m going to be nominated in a giant football stadium in front of 76,000 screaming fans – I mean, Party members! I’ll win without you and your voters! Who needs those Bubbas, anyway?

DEAN [scratching his head]: Uh, Barack? You know, a lot of people think Ole Yeller was a Bubba. You’re acting like you sure hated him. Maybe you ARE the killer!

[BILL CLINTON enters.]

BILL: Did I hear someone say Barack killed Ole Yeller? Well, forgive me for being just a dumb country boy from Arkansas, but it seems to me you’re all guilty. Donna, you changed the DNC rules to disenfranchise Florida and Michigan, but not states you thought Barack would win. Howard, you let her do it. Axelrod, you’re just creepy with all that cult worshiping stuff, the Bush-style campaigning and the astroturfing. And Nancy? Well, I feel kinda sorry for you because you got ol’ Steny undermining you every step of the way, but you sure didn’t help Ole Yeller much – and the buck stops with you.

OBAMA: Oh, come on now. Like you’re an impartial observer, Bill? This is – just – inartful, even for you.

BILL [getting red in the face and pointing]: Listen here, you ungrateful little Chicago punk. If it wasn’t for me – the only two-term Democratic President in this room, by the way – you would be nowhere, man. I raised Ole Yeller. I made him think we Democrats cared about him. I fed him, I stayed up with him at night when he was sick, and I made sure he stayed with me instead of going to Bush’s or Dole’s house. By the time I was done with Ole Yeller, it looked like he’d live forever – or at least another eight years!

You guys were the ones that screwed it up. You showed Ole Yeller you didn’t care about him. After eight years of Bush destroying everything he loved, he finally died – of a broken heart.

[EVERYONE but HILLARY starts yelling at BILL and each other. BRAZILE and PELOSI start throwing porcelains at each other. DEAN starts screaming “Chicago sucks! Yeeeearrrrgh!” at AXELROD.]

[HILLARY stands up and walks over to BILL. She shakes her head and takes his hand.]

HILLARY: I wonder if they’ll ever understand what happened to that poor dog? Come on, Bill, let’s get out of here. [exiting] Maybe in 2012, we can get the Party a puppy!

[LIGHTS OUT]