Donald Trump, Son of Perdition

Social media is all giddy concerned that Donald Trump may be ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. He’s worried he might not get into heaven.

Please. {{rolling eyes}}

Here are some things that popped into my head that will explain this:

1.) He is starting to experience symptoms of congestive heart failure. The most obvious evidence is his cankles. Here’s the thing with CHF. It’s not going to happen next week. It takes awhile. (I’ve had relatives) Donald is still getting around. Sure he careens from side to side on a red carpet (need Benny Hill Theme Tune), but he still plays golf, and as far as I know, he’s not in bed all the time. He’s got a ways to go and plenty of time to cause massive damage to our governmental infrastructure.

2.) He mentioned his ruminations of heaven on Fox. Donald likes to go there for a sympathetic audience and you won’t find any audience more sympathetic than an elderly church lady who listens to Fox News 24/7. If he’s hinting about worrying he won’t get to heaven, he’s setting his audience up to forgive him about something. Count on it. He’s going to live forever. He just doesn’t want to be unpopular.

3.) He wants out. He’s made billions in the last 6 months and frankly, this diplomacy thing is boring. Everything is boring. Why couldn’t it be like the first time when he could leave it all to the cabinet? Oh, that’s right, he didn’t want anyone in his way this time. And now people are mad. They’re going to get madder. He could crack down on insurrectionists but so far, no one is insurrecting. And Gavin Newsom is copying his sh*t! People are noticing. Then there is the election thing. From now until November 2026 it will be a whole lot of No. He can’t throw judges out the windows like Vlad does. Sooner or later, he’ll ruin the election but it’s going to take time and energy and that sucks. Why not just quit? Yeah, tell everyone you’re sick, no, deathly ill. Let JD, Miller and Vought do the rest of it.

Anyway, somebody’s going to squeal about the Epstein thing. If it’s not Russia, Russia, Russia, it’s Epstein, Epstein, Epstein. Jeez.

As for heaven. He should give Mormonism a try. They’ve got a heaven level for everyone. With all his gazillions and some hefty tithing, he could rocket straight to the top and get his own planet. At the very least, there’s the Telestial Kingdom for those people who were not good role models in their lives. Sounds like his level. One thing though, if you aren’t in the top tier with your planet and multiple wives, your body will be altered. No genitals. You won’t need them. Ex-Mormons who expect they will be going there refer to the residents as TK Smoothies. Hilarious until you realize you have to spend eternity like that. I hope you’ve got a hobby.

But I think Trump will be joining the Sons of Perdition. It’s for people who reject God. You probably have to stand in front of a mirror with a candle and say Mary Worth three times. Wait, wrong ceremony. I think you have to say you don’t believe in the Holy Spirit too.

A son of perdition will be cast into the eternal void. So, still no eternal flames so that’s a plus. (There’s some dispute about this. Some say fire and brimstone may be involved. In modern interpretations that could be eternal damnation in a Russian Oil Refinery under attack from Ukrainian drones.)

Funny how Mormons don’t explicitly say that sexual abusers and traitors fall into the perdition category. I guess it’s because those are secular laws and even if you go to prison, there’s a good chance that a Mormon missionary will rescue you with a temple baptism in absentia.

So, you know, Donald, there’s hope.

For all of us.