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Sam The Vigilante Man

Are you stuck in a dead-end job, where your boss does not appreciate your worth? Are you being forced to wear a mask, or to show that you are vaccinated? Are you furious that your precious rights are taken away by liberals and Communists and bleeding hearts who want to impose their values on you? Well, here’s your way out, and your chance to get revenge against all of them!

Work with me, Sam The Vigilante Man! I have done vigilante work for years, helping to turn in traitorous liberals to organizations which will go after them without letting up. And now I have the opportunity to find and punish those women who insist on getting abortions, and the men and women who help them, and to make them pay, literally! A worthy cause, right? Yes, and now, we can make money at it! What is more appealing than virtue combined with big monetary rewards?

Texas has just passed a law which allows anyone who has information about a woman getting an abortion after six weeks of conception, to bring them all to justice. And they will pay us for doing it! You have the right to sue any person who contributes in any way toward the woman getting the abortion! That can be anyone, from the husband, to the boyfriend, an abortion doctor, and anyone who works in that office. Anyone who contributes in any way to the abortion! Taxi drivers, bus drivers, anyone who might have given the woman a lift. Store clerks who sold her something she used to help her, before or after the abortion. Support group members. Psychologists and counselors. Members of her family. The list is endless, and it all pays us!

And this is growing! Florida’s state legislature announced that it would soon be passing a bill just like the one in Texas! More states will follow! This is going to be a massive opportunity! And if you work with me, we can get in at the ground floor! In fact, come to think of it, we can go after elevator operators, too! You see what you can come up with, using a little imagination, and the will to get rich?

Here’s how it works: You sign a contract with me, Sam The Vigilante Man (Business license K8270XP). This will give you a $500 payment for any person you turn in, whom we effectively sue. And we don’t actually have to sue them, we can just threaten to sue them, unless they pay us a fee! In those situations, you get 10% of our fee. We expect to have thousands of cases to bring, and we are compiling a list of judges who will always grant us hearings on our suits, so we will have great power to threaten and scare the daylights out of anyone who ever knew anyone who is going to have an abortion, or even consider it! And $10,000 is the minimum we can sue them for, the law allows higher amounts! Black Gold, baby! Texas Tea! And soon to be coming to a state near you!

And here’s even more good news, to get you motivated. The woman does not even need to have had an abortion! We can still call the boyfriends and the husbands and the taxi drivers and her friends, and threaten to sue them all unless they pay up. Most of them won’t be sure that she ever was pregnant or not, but when they think about having to go to court, and fight our suits, and particularly that even if they win, they will still have to pay all their attorney’s fees, they’ll be more than happy to pay our reasonable settlement demands! More money for you, and us!

We want you to have the chance to get in before anyone else. We will make millions in our first year, and we want loyal Americans like you to have the chance to share in it. We’ll show those libs what enterprising and devout people can do! We can make their lives Hell!

So call this number today, and we’ll schedule an interview with you, to see if you are the kind of Vigilante Assistant that we need! No education required, and no knowledge of law. You just need a car, some good telescopic equipment, a pair of binoculars might do. The ability to see at night, to be able to look at the contents of garbage cans, for bills, phone receipts, anything you can come up with. We’ll turn it over to our team of investigators to follow all the leads! And you make cash, as long as we can either win in court, and we will, or get them to settle out of court, even better!

No matter where you live, you can be a Vigilante Assistant, though applicants who reside in Texas, and any other state which passes a similar anti-abortion law, are preferred. Or move there, to be where the action is!

Join the posse of Sam The Vigilante Man! We’re going to be on the case! Millions of cases! We’ll get them all, and hang ’em high! Or at least make them stand and deliver cash to us!

5 Responses

  1. A fine post like this needs a catchy song to accompany it!

    • Feel free to change the lyrics to suit the new scheme from Hell! That’s what a good folk song can do.

  2. 5 of those 6 justices were appointed by two presidents who lost the popular vote, and just barely won the electoral vote, if they truly won the latter at all.

    But her e-mails!

    (16 years earlier)

    But his earth tones!

    • Yes, “somehow,” they get the media to spend most or all of their time covering the thing that they misdirect them to. Dukakis in a tank, Swiftboaters, Biden’s son. They’re easy to manufacture, but no one forces the media to fall for it every time. They’ve managed to drop Biden’s favorable ratings to negative, by a two weeks of ridiculously negative coverage.

    • One of the Justices was stolen from President Obama.

      It drove me crazy that he did not withdraw Judge Garland’s name and nominate an African American woman.

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