MAGA Hakas

Does everyone know what a haka is? A haka is a dance that Maori warriors used to do before a battle. The haka is full foot stomping and spear shaking and ugly facemaking with tongues sticking out and eyes bulging. The hand across the throat is always a nice touch.

The purpose of the haka is to intimidate and make the opponent feel hopeless.

That is what the Trump nuggets have been doing the last couple of days. They want to make a lot of sound and fury and get covered by the media, which never seems to learn its lesson and mindlessly obliges them, giving Trump even more of the attention that he craves.

But they’re just hakas. It’s all part of the learned helplessness campaign they started when they said the mail in ballots were fraudulent, but we applied for them anyway.

Then they slowed down the mail, so we turned them in by hand.

Then they challenged the drop boxes, so we stood in lines for hours and hours.

Then they took us to court, but our governors and attorney generals defended us.

Throughout the last two months, they have thrown obstacle after obstacle and we have found a way to go around them. And because over 90 million of us were able to vote anyway and because Trump the annoying orange whiner is behind by 10 points nationally, they are running out of options.

Now, they are going to show up at our polling places or block our polling places and they’ll yell and shout and make ugly faces (shouldn’t be hard) and stick out their tongues and bulge their eyes.

If you can, blend in. They’ll think you’re one of them and will leave you alone. If you can’t blend in, go with a friend, walk around them, keep your eyes on the prize, recite a psalm, vote anyway and then, as you exit, cock your thumb and drag it across your throat as you make the scariest face you can and shout “HAAAAAAA!”