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    • Happy Thanksgiving
      Be happy and be well. Please be careful about Covid. Viral load matters for infection, spending hours in a house with people is a great way to get infected. Feel free to use comments to discuss topics unrelated to recent posts. I’m doing my annual fundraiser. If you like my writing and can afford to, […]
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The beach is happening. It’s really happening!!!

I didn’t think we were going to be able to pull this off but last week, the Outer Banks of North Carolina took pity on those of us who had reservations before Memorial Day and decided to open up. It was about as last minute a decision as could possibly happen. It looked like the vacay was going to be another catastrophe, done in by another act of nature. (For those of you who are keeping track, I’ve had three vacations ruined by hurricanes. One included a broken arm.)

Coronavirus seemed like the last straw. The gods wanted a sacrifice. But before I could trick my firstborn into it, the outer banks announced they were open the very week of our reservations.

No, I am not worried about the beach. I think the beach got a bad rap after we saw spring break in Florida. The place where we will be is not the crowded, partying place surrounded by bars and hotels. And we’re unlikely to bring it with us. Allegheny county has done pretty well as far as flattening our curve. My zip code has a total of 18 cases. I’ve been indoors for about 8 weeks. I go to the store once a week, disinfect every package that comes into my house, wash my hands all the time and have had contact with a very tiny set of people. Like 2 people.

I think we’ll be ok.

Vacay has been screwed up so many times and especially in the last couple of years (I had surgery during vacation last year. Yeah, that was special.) I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, literally, I can’t believe it’s actually going to happen. I’m waiting for the virus to mutate or a freak hurricane to develop or the effing Polar Vortex to hang around until June (that could actually happen).

But barring all of those things, or one of us being raptured, we are going.

I won’t know how to handle it. A week. At the beach. Not doing work. Seriously, how does one vacate? It’s been so long. 😢😭😢😭😢

Suggestions welcome.

6 Responses

  1. Enjoy the well earned vacation, and stay safe.

  2. there are some excellent campgrounds out there. and all the fresh air you can use. very cleansing.

    • I’m not kidding when I say I have forgotten how this whole vacation thing works. It’s like having PTSD. I’ve gotten my hopes up so many times only to have them brutally dashed by crazy relatives, years of income insecurity, acts of nature and scary illnesses.
      It may take a few days for me to adjust. But it’s the beach and that was my special place when I was a kid. The waves are weirder at the Atlantic. No curls to shoot like I did when I lived in Hawaii. Nevertheless, I’m going to test the waters. Hope they’re not too cold. Bought a couple of swim shirts.

  3. Satire from a young doctor:


    Typical day in the COVID unit

    A lot of people have been asking me what it’s like being on the COVID wards in the hospital, so I figured I’d share what a typical day looks like for me:

    6am – Wake up. Roll off of my pile of money that Big Pharma gave me. Softly weep as it doesn’t put a dent in my medical school loans

    6:30am – Make breakfast, using only foods from the diet that gives me everlasting life by avoiding all fats, sugars, carbs, and proteins. For details buy my book and check out my shop.

    7am – Get to work, load up my syringes with coronavirus before rounds.

    8am – See my patients for the day. Administer the medications that the government tells me to. Covertly rub essential oils on the ones I want to get better.

    9:30am – Call Bill Gates to check how 5G tower construction is going, hoping for more coronavirus soon. He tells me they’re delayed due to repairs on the towers used to spread the Black Plague. Curse the fact that this is the most efficient way to spread infectious diseases.

    10am – One patient tells me he knows “the truth” about coronavirus. I give him a Tdap booster. He becomes autistic in front of my eyes. He’ll never conspire against me again.

    11am – Tend to the secret hospital garden of St. John’s wort and ginkgo leaves that we save for rich patients and donors.

    12:30pm – Pick up my briefcase of money from payroll, my gift from Pfizer for the incomprehensible profits we make off of the free influenza vaccine given every year.

    1pm – Conference call with Dr. Fauci and the lab in Wuhan responsible for manufacturing viruses. Tell them my idea about how an apocalypse-style zombie virus would be a cool one to try for the next batch.

    2pm – A patient starts asking me about getting rid of toxins. I ask her if she has a liver and kidneys. She tells me she knows “the truth” about Big Anatomy and that the only way to detoxify herself is to eat nothing but lemon wedges and mayonnaise for weeks. I give her a Tdap booster.

    2:45pm – Help the FBI, CIA, and CDC silence the masses. Lament the fact that I can only infringe on one or two of their rights. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

    4pm – One of my rich patients begins to crash. Laugh as I realize I’ve mismatched her spirit animal and zodiac moon sign. I switch out the Purple Amethyst above her bed for a Tiger’s Eye geode. She stabilizes. I throw some ginkgo leaves on her for good measure

    6pm – Go onto YouTube and see coronavirus conspiracy videos everywhere. Curse my all powerful government for how inept they are at keeping people from spreading “the truth”

    6:10pm – Go onto Amazon and see that a book about “the truth” is the #1 seller this week. Question the power of my all powerful government. Make a reminder to myself to get more Tdap boosters from the Surgeon General next time we talk.

    7pm – Time to go home. Before I leave, sacrifice a goat to Dr. Fauci and say three Hippocratic Oaths.

    9pm – Take a contented sigh as I snuggle under the covers made of the tinfoil hats of my enemies, realizing that my 4 years of medical school and 3 years of residency training have been put to good use today.



    • The doctor forgot to mention the part about where he gives the patients whom he actually wants to recover massive doses of bleach Miracle Mineral Solution, fish tank cleaner, and assorted vitamins and minerals. I guess the poor fellow was just too tired to mention those things.

      Oh, and sticking sunlamps up their arses. That, too.

  4. Yay!! Here’s hoping you get the hang of the whole vacation thing within minutes of arriving at your vacation destination. ❤

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