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Partners test.

Gary Lewandowski, psychologist at Monmouth University has posted a relationship test at The Conversation. He based his partnership questions based on studies and says these should be used as a guide but that relationships are complex and it is difficult to attribute a quality scale to the score without the benefit of intuition.

About the test, all of the questions are relevant. He says:

Looking at the list, you may take issue with a question or two and think, “that’s not important.” First, I’d say that the scientific evidence begs to differ. But that’s also why there are 15 questions. More questions provide greater accuracy. While any one question may not perfectly capture your relationship, 15 different perspectives gives a fairly complete picture.

This is not a Cosmo test. There is no grade. It’s more like a gut check. But the goal is to say “yes” to as many questions as possible. So, get the smoke out of your eyes. Don’t try to sugar coat the truth.

Here is the test:

A Keltner List for relationships

Consider each question and answer truthfully with a simple yes or no response:

1 Does your partner make you a better person, and do you do the same for them?

2 Are you and your partner both comfortable with sharing feelings, relying on each other, being close, and able to avoid worrying about the other person leaving?

3 Do you and your partner accept each other for who you are, without trying to change each other?

4 When disagreements arise, do you and your partner communicate respectfully and without contempt or negativity?

5 Do you and your partner share decision-making, power and influence in the relationship?

6 Is your partner your best friend, and are you theirs?

7 Do you and your partner think more in terms of “we” and “us,” rather than “you” and “I”?

8 Would you and your partnertrust each other with the passwords to social media and bank accounts?

9 Do you and your partner have good opinions of each other – without having an overinflated positive view?

10Do your close friends, as well as your partner’s, think you have a great relationship that will stand the test of time?

11 Is your relationship free of red flags like cheating, jealousy and controlling behavior?

12 Do you and your partnershare the same values when it comes to politics, religion, the importance of marriage, the desire to have kids (or not) and how to parent?

13 Are you and your partner willing to sacrifice your own needs, desires and goals for each other (without being a doormat)?

14 Do you and your partner both have agreeable and emotionally stable personalities?

15 Are you and your partner sexually compatible?

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Gabriel and Bathsheba

He accompanied her up the hill, explaining to her the details of his forthcoming tenure of the other farm. They spoke very little of their mutual feeling; pretty phrases and warm expressions being probably unnecessary between such tried friends. Theirs was that substantial affection which arises (if any arises at all) when the two who are thrown together begin first by knowing the rougher sides of each other’s character, and not the best till further on, the romance growing up in the interstices of a mass of hard prosaic reality. This good-fellowship — CAMARADERIE — usually occurring through similarity of pursuits, is unfortunately seldom superadded to love between the sexes, because men and women associate, not in their labours, but in their pleasures merely. Where, however, happy circumstance permits its development, the compounded feeling proves itself to be the only love which is strong as death — that love which many waters cannot quench, nor the floods drown, beside which the passion usually called by the name is evanescent as steam.

– Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy

Happy Valentine’s Day.

(You too, Niles)