Award Season

The Nigel Tufnel “Lick My Love Pump” Award for 2013 goes to Bruno Mars for the song Gorilla.  Mars had some competition from Miley Cyrus.  But while We Won’t Stop has some cliche references to “somebody gonna get some” and her latest hit features the discreetly naked singer licking a barbell, our resident expert says Wrecking Ball is too full of “heartfelt, emotional intensity” to make the cut.  Miley can’t come close to Mars’ lyrics set to a musical gem that starts softly and swells, in more ways than one, to a soaring anthem that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination except that gorilla sex is essentially just the missionary position:

Ooh I got a body full of liquor
With a cocaine kicker
And I’m feeling like I’m thirty feet tall
So lay it down, lay it down

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes
Let me hear you say you want it all
Say it now, say it now

and

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair
But you don’t look like you’re scared
You just smile and tell me, “Daddy, it’s yours.”
‘Cause you know how I like it,
You’s a dirty little lover

If the neighbors call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT ‒ we don’t stop,
We keep rocking while they’re knocking on our door
And you’re screaming, “Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!”

The magic of this masterpiece is that you find yourself crooning along to the high notes even when you are trying to set a good example.  That, my friends, is the sign of a true winner.  Flo Rida’s Whistle song missed the cut this year.  The resident expert said it was all over the radio in Germany in 2012.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Nigel Tufnel’s musical genius, let’s take a walk down memory lane:

List your own awards and winners in the comments.