My dearest reader,
This letter hopes to find you and your family well and that the fortunes of employment bestowed upon you are sufficient so as to alleviate your most strenuous anxiety that frequently attends the lack of an income. The news daily importunes a great degree of future distress and depression on that front but I beg you leave off such ruminations. For it is a truth universally acknowledged that bailout recipients of great fortune must be in want of retainers.
Gentle reader, take heart. We shall all be wanted to serve our masters most diligently. There shall be need of cooks, chauffeurs and gardeners. And we will simplify the need of our betters to have to remember our names, we shall be called “Cook”, “Foote” and “my own Gardener”. We shall see the world too as we will be required to set up the many houses upon which our masters will depend for their amusement. Verily, our cares will be few as we will be relieved of even the details of our costume with the new livery we shall be required to wear. Musicians and cookery artists may gain full employment now by attaching themselves to one houshold or another, thereby ensuring a modest steady income that will make tolerable the lack of taste that is the failure of good understanding in the ruthlessly fittest. Is there a felicity in the world superior to this?
Indeed, such a change is already taking place and it will not be long before we entertain ourselves with the arrangements of the nuptials of the gentility. How much merry we will make over the sport of alliances between houses of many billions and poor connexions indeed will the girl have who will settle for less than $5 million a year. Of those of us who cannot go into service but will be left among the professional class, it is true that we cannot all benefit half so well, But those among us with a natural inclination for the sciences will by necessity attach ourselves to the billionaire biologists who live on their interest and can dabble at leisure on the cure for cancer. Meanwhile, there will be no further need of scientific inquiry that does not directly benefit our betters and what financial interest they have in the area of innovation will find it thought of by those few remaining who can afford it and carried out in the Indies by those whose lives depend upon it.
Be of good cheer. Your degrees will not be for naught as diligence in improving ones mind must always find employment in entertaining the spirit during a lifetime of artless routine. There will always be an opportunity to move up in the world for your daughters, so take care to educate them as well as you can and guard their excesses lest they be thought below the station of the company they intend to keep. As for your sons, the militia is an honorable profession.
I beg to take leave of you now but I hope this missive has had the effect of good persuasion and that you will in every way endeavor to exert yourself to optimism and hope. It can not be long now before we shall be required to adjust to our reduced circumstances, which will affect in us a discipline to such an extent that will in time reduce the surplus population. To be sure, pliancy and resiliance of spirit will serve ourselves and our future masters well.
Your most humble and obediant servant, etc.,