F%&*ability

So, myiq posted this video of a surprise visit that Newters got from the local Occupy group in Iowa:

While I admire the Iowan Occupy group’s audacity in getting that close to the candidate and I like the “Put people first!” message (simple, understandable, easy to dance to), I hope they won’t mind if I say they need to work on their Mic Check coordination. Write it down so others can “continue” when you get your ass hauled away and make sure you have enough people scattered around who can reinforce the check phrases in a regular pattern. I might also recommend a Plan B, whatever that might be for the situation at hand. Practice, practice, practice. This kind of thing can be nerve wracking the first couple of times you do it. But after while, it gets to be second nature.

Anyway, myiq thinks that the Ocuppiers made Newters look good.

Really?

I don’t think anything could make Newters look good to me. Let me be honest with you guys. Women my age are about as physically attracted to men our age as men our age are attracted to us. You want 18 year olds with flat stomachs and perky boobs? We want six pack abs and perky, ah, well, you know. If we must fantacize about guys our age that we wouldn’t kick out of the kitchen, it would have to be someone like Roy Hensling, the IKEA kitchen designer. This is kinda what we want:

Ok, see this is what hot looks like. Toned, slim body, winning smile, sexy voice with a nice Swedish accent. He’s got gray hair and wrinkles but that’s ok. His bone structure is good. If we have to drug him with some Cialis, so be it. He can slam my doors and bang my pans as much as he likes.

So, how do the Republican candidates stack up in the f%&*ability test? Jon Huntsman looks like the kind of guy I’d want to poach a salmon with. Michelle Bachmann is pretty cute too, except that I’m about as straight as people get. (Note to Michelle: skip the corn dogs at the next Minnesota state fair. You’ll scare the senior ladies.) You’d have to be a specialist to want Ron Paul but at least he looks trim. The others are OK I guess.

Newt? Totally UN-f#$^able. He’s out of shape, packing too many Georgia barbeques and sweet ass teas. He’s got a double chin, jowls and his piggy little eyes. All of his facial features look like they have been scrunched into the middle of his massive bowling ball shaped head. As my mom would say, the sexist thing in his pants is his wallet. The thought of deglazing a pan with Newters kind of kills my appetite.

So, I don’t think there is any way that the Occupiers made Newters look good. That would require an act of divine intervention.

What was the point of this post? Um, I don’t think I really have a point. I just like making fun of Newt because he’s a fearmongering, authoritarian sociopath who would look absolutely stupid smuggling plums in a european style bathing suit. See? There’s an image you won’t be able to scrub out of your head for a couple of days.

Nauseating, isn’t it.