I was over at Apartmenttherapy yesterday and saw this link at their sister site Ohdeedoh. What the heck is a Finnish Baby Box?? Is that like a BF Skinner box crossed with a cell phone? So, I clicked on it. It turns out that it has nothing to do with behavior modification (or *does* it?) but it is the kind of thing that would turn an ordinary Republican debate goer absolutely rabid.
A Finnish baby box is a devious device to turn parents into socialists.
Let’s say you’re about to become a first time parent. Right about the third trimester, the post office tells you that you have to fetch a package. You find that it’s for your precious unborn. Up to now, the Republicans are on board. We’re talking about innocent life here, not the bedirtied mother who might be a FORNICATOR. So, you lug the box home. It’s from Helsinki. The government has sent you a box. This should immediately arouse your suspicions because as Ronald Reagan once intimated, you should be on your guard any time the government says it’s here to help. Without even opening the box, you should suspect a new, superlong tax form where you must account for every marrka. Just let your imagination run wild. You open the box…
…and find that the government has sent you a maternity package.
The contents of the Finnish Baby Box
It’s chock full of onesies and footed rompers and a snowsuit, baby sleeping bag, blankies, mattress, mattress cover, simple colorful chewing toys and a first book. (See complete contents broken down by item here) The clothes colors and prints vary from year to year and are infinitely mixable. Some of the items are made of recycled material. One Finnish state welfare dad rationalizes his acceptance of the maternity package by noting that because the government buys in bulk, it saves a lot more money than if individual parents had had to buy all of those items themselves so he doesn’t even mind paying the extra taxes. The box it all came in has handle cut outs on the side, it’s sturdy and just like those fiendishly clever Ikea design solutions from the next country over, the box converts to a basinet. (hmmm, you could probably use the lid as a changing station.)
What kind of evil commie plot is this?? With everything the little
bast, er, tot could ever need for a year in the box, what incentive will it have to start pulling its weight? Not only does the government indoctrinate “cradle to grave socialism” before the preborn has gasped his or her first precious breath, it even provides the cradle. Does it get more evil than that? Yes, it does. The box even includes 6 condoms (and a tube of lube. How thoughtful.). So, not only does it encourage its children to become deadbeats and parasites on the government dole, the government of Finland tells the parents that it is ok to indulge in sex for pleasure and helps them prevent God from blessing them with an additional preborn innocent life that they may selfishly consider inconvenient or untimely. By God, you can be sure that some white male religious dude from Utah will have something to say about that!
And what do the put upon people of Finland get from the government handing over their hard earned tax dollars to these slacker parents who are both sitting it out on maternity leave? Well, I’ll bet you won’t be surprised to find that the Finns overindulge their kids with public education too. They consistently score at the top of the list on international tests. Their educational system puts an emphasis on cooperation and sharing and disfavors competition while encouraging children to understand and develop their own abilities and interests. They probably don’t even have a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the elementary school library. And 98% of their teachers are unionized.
It’s enough to make a Perry Republican want to lethally inject some prisoner whining about his innocence.
I’m telling you, no good can come of it. The next thing you know, those spoiled Finnish kids will grow up to do weird things with rusty old Volkswagons:
If those were American 20 somethings, they would be responsibly toiling away at some tedious job, provided they could find one, working to pay off a lifetime of student debt, not indulging in tongue-in-cheek works of creative musical humor in grassy meadows and saunas. Clearly, Finland will be brought down by such decadence and ungodly disregard. It goes against the laws of “dog eat dog” nature.
Pray, Conflucians. Pray for a Finnish Baby Box.