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Happy Festivus!


Frank Costanza: “Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: “What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: “It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!

Get your poles out of the crawl space, it’s Festivus!

I started the tradition of observing Festivus here at The Confluence back in 2008. It’s our heritage.

The Airing of Grievances will start tonight at 9 p.m. eastern.


The Festivus pole


35 Responses

  1. dude ~ can’t we just count the last couple of weeks as the airing of grievances and call it all good?????

    I need more cookie dough.

  2. I do think the world could be a better place if we aired our grievances once a year ….. and then let them go.

  3. Every day is for the airing of grievances.

  4. My Festivus pole is made of white PVC. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  5. In the spirit of the holiday — have a good one, and Woman Voter, a special thanks to you for your kind comments on the other thread!

    Happy Festivus all!

  6. I’m gonna give me a head start when it comes to the airing of grievances.

    http://my.firedoglake.com/blog/2010/12/23/bradley-manning-speaks-about-his-conditions/

    So the “Democrats in Exile” are cool with all that?

    “Can’t do the time, don’t do the crime?” WHAT CRIME HAS HE BEEN CONVICTED OF?

    • None yet.

      But he is charged with some very serious offenses.

      • From your link:

        I am one of the few people allowed to visit Bradley Manning while he is detained in the Quantico brig.

        He’s being abused and tortured by being in solitary confinement but he gets visitors?

        He gets to watch up to six hours of television every day, he gets to send and receive mail, he gets three meals a day, 1 hour of exercise, plenty of sleep.

        Other than letting him go free (which ain’t gonna happen) what do you think should be done with him?

  7. The Hill:

    First lady Michelle Obama didn’t feel like waiting around cold, boring old Washington, D.C., for her husband and Congress to wrap up their work for the year. So she simply stuck the taxpayers with the $63,000 tab to start her Hawaiian vacation a bit early — just a few short months after the Spain vacation with her gal-pals that set us all back a pretty penny.

    With her husband announcing a two-year pay freeze for federal employees as a way to save taxpayers a few precious dollars, it’s jaw-dropping that Michelle Obama could be so relentlessly politically tone-deaf. And insensitive. And even a tad bit selfish, spoiled and thoughtless, perhaps? I tend to cringe when folks gratuitously slam the first lady simply because they don’t like her husband’s policies, but this latest antic on the part of Michelle Obama really takes the cake.

    It’s a Festivus miracle!

  8. Via Uppity:

    • Sadly, no cats at present, but I have a ferret.

      Giftwrapping Instructions for Ferret Owners:

      1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
      2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
      3. Open door and remove ferret from closet.
      4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
      5. Go back and remove ferret from cupboard.
      6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc…
      7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
      8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove ferret that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
      9. Remove present from bag.
      10. Remove ferret from bag.
      11. Open box to check present, remove ferret from box, replace present.
      12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
      13. Try and smooth out paper, realize ferret is underneath and remove ferret.
      14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
      15. Throw away first sheet as ferret chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
      16. Cut second sheet of paper to size – by putting ferret in the bag the present came in.
      17. Place present on paper.
      18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don’t reach. Realize ferret is between present and paper. Remove ferret.
      19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
      20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from ferret with pair of nail scissors.
      21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
      22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase ferret down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
      23.Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
      24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to ferret’s enthusiastic ribbon chase.
      25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
      26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. 27.Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
      28. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
      29. Remove sting, open box and remove ferret.
      30. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
      31. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
      32.Remove ferret from box, unlock door, put ferret outside door, close and relock.
      33. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear ferret from outside door)
      34. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
      35. Discover ferret has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year’s paper. Remember that you haven’t got any left because ferret helped with this last year as well.
      36. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
      37. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
      Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
      38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed ferret.
      39. Spend 15 minutes looking for ferret until coming to obvious conclusion.
      40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove ferret.
      41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

      • HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

        1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

        2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

        3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

        4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

        5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

        6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

        7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

        8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

        9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

        10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

        11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

        12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

        13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

        14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

        15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

        16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

        17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn’t know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can’t come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

        18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

        19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

        20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any ferrets.

        • LOL! I have had cats in the past, and that’s pretty accurate. Giving a cat a pill is the worst.

        • This is so true. I make my vet give me liquid meds for my cat that I can shoot down his throat with dropper. Still, about 1/2 the liquid gets spit out, but it is better then him not getting his meds at all. Luckily, he’s a pretty healthy cat so he doesn’t need meds too often.

  9. This one is for Riverdaughter cuz I know she loves this song:

  10. Here’s a Festivus miracle: Sweden withdraws arrest warrant for Assange
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/21/julian-assange-rape-case-_n_690009.html

  11. I kid you not:

    Festivus becomes worldwide holiday. Break out the Festivus pole!

    n the 13 years since Festivus was introduced on an episode of “Seinfeld,” the made-up Dec. 23 “holiday for the rest of us” has moved well beyond the confines of American TV reruns to become globally recognized.

    While mostly noted today among Americans, Festivus was also inspiring a number of tweets from around the world and for much of the day was a top 10 most-tweeted phrase among tweeters worldwide.

    In England, Alice Rooney experienced not a Christmas miracle, but rather a Festivus miracle amid the snow that has clogged highways and brought airports to a standstill. “Making it from Bristol to London on public transport in the current climate surely qualifies as an early festivus miracle,” she tweeted Dec. 20.

    Even in Indonesia the fake holiday was noted today, with Haddy Kustaman tweeting: “Festivus Is Here: Time To Air Grievances.” And in Australia, Mik Morley tweeted: “Look out world, the countdown to #Festivus has begun, and I has some grievances…”

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