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Get off my lawn!

Crabby Old Fart

Crabby Old Fart

If you haven’t heard of Donald Mills (aka “Crabby Old Fart”) then you’re missing some really funny stuff.  The site is called “The problem with young people today is . . .” and all his posts start with those words. Here’s an example:

The problem with young people today is that they sleep too much.

Back when I was a lad, young people were expected to be up at the crack of dawn every day. And earlier on Sundays. On Sundays, I had to get up in the middle of the night in order to iron my tie for church and still have time to rotate the tires on my old dad’s Packard.

But these young people today, they sleep 14-16-18 hours a day. Wrapped up in their silk sheets, down duvets and king sized beds like giant, swaddled, milk-fed babies while the rest us mine coal, cut down trees and trawl for fish. I didn’t have sheets when I was boy. I had a threadbare gunny sack and a bag of corn I used as a pillow.

It’s disgraceful. No wonder our economy is in the toilet. Half our god damned population can barely muster the energy required to repeatedly smack at the snooze button – let alone get their asses out of bed and look for a job.

The comments are almost as good as the posts themselves:

Mr. Mills. I am duly honored that my lazy assed son prompted such a rant.

Are you still coming over at 8:00 am Monday morning to beat the hell out of him with your cane?

I want to be just like this guy when I grow up.  I laughed so hard I had to change my Depends. Unfortunately I wasn’t wearing any.

48 Responses

  1. Mr. Mills is welcome in my bar anytime. The drinks are on the house!

  2. “Half our god damned population can barely muster the energy required to repeatedly smack at the snooze button…”

    Love the imagery.

  3. He sounds like a guy who calls into the sports radio station here in Boston. The guy does a schtick just like that. Except he always starts out with “In my day….”

    I love it!

  4. Very funny !

    If you haven’t already, rent Grand Torino.

    Clint Eastwood plays a crabby old fart to a tee.

    My 27-year-old son laughed until he cried, and then said, “I wanna be like him when I’m old.”

    Great stuff.

    • Mary that is what I thought of when I read this.

      I haven’t heard that many racist names in years.

      • What do you mean?

      • I haven’t seen the movie, but I saw an advertisement on TV, and Clint was speaking to a younger man, they were carrying something heavy I think, and he told the boy not to act like a girl, or something like that. I really hate that kind of talk.

        But I know someone who saw the movie and said it was really good, that it had a lot of different parts of the community (church, neighbors, etc) coming together.

        • The point of Grand Torino is that the crabby old fart (racist names and all) was the one who actually CARED about the young Asian guy, and stood up for him. Judging books by their covers, and all that.

          The barbershop routine where the 2 white guys are insulting each other to teach the young guy how “men talk” is absolutely hilarious.

          • Think about that.

            Do you think for one second that the pc media types on MSNBC or CNN are actually DOING anything in their own neighborhoods for people they consider “less than they,” or do you think the Olbermanns and the Franch Riches and the Browns and the Maureen Dowds are moving to gated communities as fast as they can?

            Do you see Olbermann or Frank Rich or Maureen Dowd working in decrepit neighborhoods, or spending time in Big Brothers, or tutoring in an inner city ghetto school?

            The old fart using the “racist names” wasn’t pc, but he frikkin CARED.

            Talkers and doers. Big difference.

  5. Now there is a man after my heart!

    If I was single, I’d ask him out. And then we could both crab about the kids over a cask of Captain Morgan’s.


  6. Yes, negative stereotypes about the elderly are hilarious. Some people think making fat jokes is the last acceptable form of discrimination but I think it is old jokes. Expect these to increase as the boomers age. With our crappy economy, older folks will be competing with the young for marginal jobs and the powers that be will encourage more this kind of age-warfare. Cloaking animosity in a joke is no excuse, as we all know with respect to other kinds of jokes aimed at the “foibles” of specific demographic groups.

    Cue all the older people who will now claim that they too think this is hilarious, thus justifying it, as all the “liberated” women claiming they found the digs at Palin hilarious justifies them.

    Research shows that elderly people have better emotional control that 30-somethings, more empathy and forgiveness for human foibles, and a more nurturing worldview, especially men, who become a lot less competitive. This stereotype of crankiness is most likely related to deterioration of frontal lobe functioning in a small minority of elderly people with dementia or Alzheimer’s — in other words, unhealthy elders. Since those with health problems are less than 25% of all elderly, attributing crankiness to them and laughing uproariously over it, is just plain wrong.

    Sorry to spoil the fun, but just because something makes you laugh, doesn’t make it right to do or say. I might suggest that the degree of humor you find in this site is probably related to your own discomfort with getting older. (Cue all the people who will insist they are aging gracefully and love gray hair.) We laugh most at what makes us nervous.

  7. As a parent of now twenty plus year olds I can identify with these columns. Fortunately as parents we can all recognize that what we do when children are younger impact what they do when they are older. I am grateful that all three of my boys while average in school and other activities all made Eagle Scout and live to those standards still today. All their cries of “my friends don’t have to do chores, earn money, etc” fell on my husband’s and mine “deaf” ears, but it has paid off as they have all become responsible adults.

    • Likewise. 3-generation Eagle Scout family here, with a son who earned Vigil honor in Order of the Arrow because he LOVED doing the Indian Ceremonies for the Cub Scouts, returning the “magic” to those who came behind him.

      Bravo, Sue.

  8. I’m partial to Maxine, myself.


    • She is my hero////////
      So in Walter in the Jeff Dunham show


  9. How old does one have to be before it’s OK to be crabby? I am tired of being nice all the time.

  10. The negative stereotype is of the neighborhood crank who comes out and yells at the kids on the lawn. It is the idea that old people are crabby, cranking, disgruntled, generally unhappy. It is an ugly stereotype and calling me a killjoy doesn’t change that, any more than those calling Letterman out-of-bounds are killjoys for pointing out his wrong.

    It is not OK to negatively stereotype older people. It makes it harder for them to get jobs and participate in mainstream life. It is part of their marginalization in our culture. It is not OK and not funny.

    These things are not only stereotypes (applied indiscriminately to those who are older) but also inaccurate and untrue, as I took pains to point out.

    Don’t you all have some disabled person to mock, someone with a lisp, someone who stutters, or perhaps someone with a funny accent? That’s hilarious too.

    • I enjoy yelling at the neighbor kids.

    • Yes, it is funny. I don’t know why you are referring to “them.” I am one of “them.” Now run along and play in your humorless world.

    • Negatively stereotype? I aspire to have the type of honesty that flows from Maxine’s mouth. I see absolutely nothing wrong with calling things like they are. Younger folk just don’t have the luxury usually. Bosses just don’t seem to respond well to being told they are morons and such bother.

      • Me, too.

        Eastwood’s movie is actually ridiculing the spoiled white kids in the suburbs (my child is precious and perfect……yours sucks) in the cold, get-what-you-can me-me-me description of his own kids, vs. caring about the ones who don’t have everything handed to them from day one, who more often than not, are much more grateful and supportive than the gated community kids.

        Trust me, high school teachers see this implied “Do you know who my parents are?” every single day.

        Me, I just looked em in the eye and said, “Mommy’s not here. You pass, or fail, on your own merit. So cut the crap.”

        Eastwood’s movie speaks volumes about American society, and how it manipulates who are the winners and who are the losers, from day one.

        The so-called “racist” guy was the good guy.

  11. A crabby old person is just a crabby young person with added years.
    If you do not have a sense of humor when you are going through the different stages of life , you will not have one when you are older.
    In my mind I am 21 years old and want to still be learning something when I am 97years old.



  12. This site cracked me up. I will be going back . Thanks! We lived in a collage town for years and I always felt that got me to find my inner Mr. Wilson perhaps earlier than I would. I’m now a full blown case. GD kids! lol!

  13. Here’s another quote:

    I say if you need to be 35 years old to be President – you need to be 35 years old to vote as well. It only makes sense. Young people can’t make informed decisions. They’re all jazzed up on hormones and self-importance. They’re idealistic and full of fool-hardy dreams. Stupid, basically.

    Sounds like the description of an Obot to me.

  14. It seems Crabby Old Fart would feel at home in this company, lol! 😀

  15. I love that site, too funny. I remember my mom-in-law at her husbands funeral, had a comment for everyone who walked in the door. She was hard of hearing and maybe talked a little too loud. Example:

    “What the hell is she doing here, she never bothered to come and see him while he was alive.”

    I nearly fell off my chair and remember thinking that I can’t wait to get to the point where I can just let it fly, just like her. She lived till 86 speaking her mind all the way, RIP.

    She lived a long, good life and died at home with all of us around her.

    Lighten up, penny.

  16. old people have learned a few things, but speaking from my experience , mostly the vaulted ” wisdom ” comes from having less energy to do idjit things we humans often do . Young people are humans with alot of energy . That’s like a can of gas and an open flame…could be trouble and often is . Energy is the deciding factor. I’m too old to do stupid things at parties anymore….does that mean I’ve gained the wisdom not to? nah lol!

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