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    • Politics Series: Power
      (Previous: Economy) (Introduction and Table of Contents) We have seen that who gets how much of what is a political decision: that the economy and economics is downstream from politics. Power is the ability to make people do what you want, or not do what you don’t want. Ideology determines what the good life is and power determines who lives it. All politica […]
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Things To Do Instead Of Watching The Inauguration

boredSince many of us would rather pull our lips up over our heads and secure them in place with vice grips than watch a minute of the travesty of the overlong, overblown, overindulgent, overpriced installation of the Mass Marketed Messiah as president of our country, I’ve decided to offer some fun alternative activities to fill the next few interminable days (or, put another way, the next excruciatingly long, infinitely numbered seconds, minutes and hours) without access to television or any other normal news sources.  All are welcome to share their own suggestions with a sure-to-be grateful PUMAsphere.

First, many PUMAs, especially those of us who are of a particular age, could benefit from a good wax.  Shaving, depilitating, arching, and/or plucking unwanted stray hairs from every surface of one’s body where the unruly bastards insist upon growing (especially that one where the gray ones you can only see with a mirror and get to by contorting yourself into positions younger cheerleaders would envy) can provide hours of distraction, with the added benefit of a smooth, hairless body ready for love when you’re done.  Win-win.

Next, along the same lines, clip the toenails of every living being in your household.  Not only will you be kept busy, wood floors will subsequently go unscuffed, family members’ socks will last much longer, and spouses and lovers will be slightly more tolerable bedmates when they place their cold, scruffy feet where they’re not appreciated.  Additionally, think of all the extra calories you’ll be able to consume guilt-free after chasing small children and pets for hours.

The next suggestion will be met with skepticism by some, but bear with me.  Clean.  I know, I hate housework, too, but look at it this way, when will there ever be another time when scrubbing toilets is a preferable alternative to anything?  See, makes sense, huh?  I’m sure there are closets that need organizing, floors that need scrubbing, windows that need washing, and hundreds, if not thousands of little crevices that would benefit from the application of a little elbow grease with a toothbrush, even in the cleanest abodes.  And, for people who have fussy-clean houses like that, give the help the day off and do something yourself.  That should make time fly for you.

Alphabetize your internet files.  I have no idea what possible good that will do, but at least while you’re doing it, you’re not doing anything else, which is the point.  You could also measure your head, as well as the heads of all your friends and family members, sew up the legs of all the underwear in the house, microscopically examine things that come out of your face, make random lists, and read back copies of old magazines cover-to-cover.  Make up silly songs and corresponding dances, then attempt to teach them to strangers at random bus stops and Starbucks locations.  Wander aimlessly.  Drink.

Those of you who like to cook could create new inauguration-inspired recipes from ingredients past their freshness dates and forgotten leftovers.  Read the phone book.  Teach yourself whatever language they speak in Uzbekistan.  Do all your laundry by hand.  Eat.  Learn to use all the tools and appliances received as gifts over the years and stored in dark places in the back of other unused stuff, even the Flow-Bee and the BeDazzler.  Watch your CrockPot cook.  Grind coffee beans one at a time in a mortar and pestle.  Sleep.  Make those “special brownies” you haven’t made since college and won’t go to jail for now, eat them and giggle.

Have a bad ’60’s movie marathon, followed by listening to any old LP’s and 8tracks you still have the ability to play.  Figure out your neighbor’s taxes.  Window shop.  Give yourself an online physical.  Scour the house looking for pencils to sharpen.  Study ancient art history.  Teach a stray dog new tricks.  Fly paper airplanes.  Doodle.  Play board games.  Smell every surface in your home.   Take something apart and see if you can reassemble it.  (Note: only do this with disposable things you can do without, not your new Lexus.)  Write a letter to somebody you fell out with years ago and tell them why.  Whether you send it or not, you’ll feel better and be amazed how long it took to remember the details.  Read the Bible.  Backwards.  Take photos in very low light from weird angles with somebody else’s phone.

I’m sure if you think about it, you can come up with hundreds of innovative ways to get yourself and the rest of us suffering PUMAs through the next few days without losing too many of us to a lifetime of blank staring, mindless babbling and drooling through our tears.



102 Responses

  1. Read “War and Peace” (aka “War: What Is It Good For?”) You’ll certainly have enough time.

    Do a complete “Buffy” and “Angel” marathon.

    Make your own homemade porn.

  2. “I hate housework, too, but look at it this way, when will there ever be another time when scrubbing toilets is a preferable alternative to anything?”

    LOL I think Fox should throw us a bone by counting down Obama’s greatest hits. They had a guy on earlier who remembered a campaign stop where the Big O, perhaps mistakenly imagining he was auditioning to host A Shot at Love with Tia, proclaimed, “Let’s give it up for Lincoln! I love that guy!” Thank you, NotGeorge W. Bush.

  3. Pray if you are religious, or play “What have you done for me lately” by Janet Jackson on full volume.

  4. Luckily, I’ll be at work. Tuesday is my long day.

  5. If you read the bible backwards, does it make it satanic? Great post, Cinie!

    I’ll go with a Buffy binge – thanks, DYB!

  6. I know we are making jokes here; but, let’s not forget – only 52% of the population voted for the Messiah. The rest of us? Well – it’s not hard to come up with qualified and interesting things to do – read a great book; for those in good weather – go for a hike or a walk; give your dog a bath and play with her/him; play a board game with your kids/grandkids; and lastly, as things get worse and worse when this whole spectacle is over, try to stay in the moment – in the NOW every single day of your life until the spectacle is over in four years. It’s all an illusion anyway.


  7. Masturbate.

  8. “They speak a dialect of Russian in Uzbekistan.”

    Are all Obots humor challenged, condescending and self righteous or do we just get the most primo specimens?

  9. Eric should take a hike.

  10. Fredster, that long? But, in my case your suggestion is the same as DYB’s unless “porn” is an abbreviation of “popcorn.”

  11. i.m watching movies…..

  12. Well Cinie, ya gotta take a break! 😆

  13. adding to my list down stairs

    16 send obots like eric comments to the dnc they will think they are intelligent and use them as talking points.



  14. Eric, on January 17th, 2009 at 4:39 pm Said:

    Sell it somewhere else Eric–we ain’t buyin. It’s not enough that he’s on his Superfantastic I Wannabe Lincoln Tour–you have to come here and bug us?

    Add to list: Ignore Eric whenever he appears.

  15. Go rent all the Monty Python movies you can find, especially The Life of Brian.

  16. fif, “I Wannabe Lincoln” – today.
    Tomorrow, I wannabe MLK, ’til I morph into JFK; then I go back to being my real self, Britney Spears.

  17. Sheri: and lastly, as things get worse and worse when this whole spectacle is over, try to stay in the moment – in the NOW every single day of your life until the spectacle is over in four years. It’s all an illusion anyway.

    Good advice. That’s where I’m going–to my Buddha place. It’s the only way to tolerate this inanity and injustice. Take the long view. (That is, when I’m not suppressing rage.)

  18. Please get rid of Eric, the Self-Important Tr0ll. Go watch CNN or MSNBC and have an Ogasm.

  19. Naomi Wolf can stay home and read her book reviews. The one I read today says her SOS stands for Same Old Stuff and the whole book is the last word in crying Wolf.

    The scary world she saw under Bush will evaporate for her now that Obama’s in power.

  20. Delphyne: If you read the Bible backwards, it says, “Paul is dead.”

  21. The Obama Film Festival, foxyladi, featuring The Candidate and Being There…


  22. The O bama Film Festival, fox yladi, featuring The Cand idate and Bei ng Th ere…

  23. You could also measure your head, as well as the heads of all your friends and family members, sew up the legs of all the underwear in the house, microscopically examine things that come out of your face, make random lists, and read back copies of old magazines cover-to-cover. Make up silly songs and corresponding dances, then attempt to teach them to strangers at random bus stops and Starbucks locations. Wander aimlessly. Drink.

    Hilarious Cinie. I’d rather poke my eyes with needles than watch a second of the ultimate spectacle in the Dumbing Down of America. Bush managed to lower the standards to such egregious depths, that people think this empty suit is actually a great success already–before he’s done a thing. I won’t dignify it with an ounce of attention. Oh, and how much did the RNC spend on Palin’s wardrobe–$150K? How many reports have they done on the $150 MILLION that’s being spent on this circus in the middle of an economic meltdown. Hypocrisy, thy name is Democrat.

  24. I’ll be working on that age old question: Do currency Unions lessen Home Bias?

  25. i’m just glad I do research on Tuesdays and Thursdays …. can stay home and just blast the neighborhood with old led zeppelin music

  26. Add to list: scrub all traces of obnoxious tr0ll droppings from site. Thanks Cinie 🙂

  27. dakinikat: won’t we all?!

  28. fif, the Biblical Paul IS dead. Wow! You just proved no matter how you read it, the Bible’s right.

    And you need only ask for troll removal.

  29. OT, but I got my furnace fixed. I have heat! And I’m extremely relieved and grateful.

  30. We could go to New Hampster’s alternative inauguration ball–the Puma Bawl.

  31. These are some of my favorites:
    “Watch your CrockPot cook. Figure out your neighbor’s taxes.”
    I’ll add- express your dog’s anal glands, put up a batch of sauerkraut, flush your transmission (euphemistically), read all of the Portuguese directions for assembling ceilng fans without installing one. Stay in bed.

  32. the biblical Paul is like the father of misogyny when i was a kid, i used to read the first four books of the new testament and just try to ignore the rest of them … and u just gotta wonder about his relationship with Timothy, he’s like the poster child for the old roman catholic pedaphile priest and the young follower …

  33. Yay Boomer, I’m glad you can keep toasty. And as far as the inauguration is concerned, for all intents and purposes, the festivities have already begun. CNN was covering the Linoln train ride non-stop, at least they were until I turned it off, which was almost immediately. I did check back in though; same thing.

  34. well, I’ll be working all day Tuesday. I’m not sure my coworkers even realize there was a recent election – they all know there’s a new American Idol though! that used to annoy me but now I’m the tiniest bit grateful. actually it does still annoy and amaze me that people could be that uninvolved, but I will take advantage of it Tuesday. and I’ll probably accomplish more at work, as I won’t be checking the news online at all.

  35. bb: you had no heat in this frigid cold?! Not having heat or water during emergencies makes one very grateful for these common amenities. I’m glad the problem is solved.

  36. yay bb! thank goodness 🙂

  37. I have a question: how long is that O as Superman picture going to stay on Home Page? Even though it’s satirical in this context, I’d rather not look at him and be reminded of their loathesome celebration of his misogyny.

  38. dakinikat, I’m trying to be good, here, and objectively keep my personal anti-religious bias out of stuff. But, one day, we should talk.

  39. I am cleaning and organizing my basement. Once I get started I will lose myself in the job and at the end I get a nice basement.

  40. Well, just came in from playing fetch with our adorable one year old Cockapoo tomboy puppy on a wide open field with two inches of snow covering a solid sheet of ice slipping and sliding while the sunset. Found that pretty sublime. I know she could do that all day.

  41. Open Left is not only defending Hillary, they have posts hitting Obama on Soc Sec, Medicare and sending (yet again) mixed signals on interrogations:

    “However, Obama’s changes may not be absolute. His advisers are considering adding a classified loophole to the rules that could allow the CIA to use some interrogation methods not specifically authorized by the Pentagon, the officials said. ”

    Very encouraging.

  42. fif,

    I can switch it to another picture. Sorry it was bothering you.

    St. Paul is the guy who said women had to wear their heads covered in church so their hair didn’t distract the men. He was a misogynist all right.

  43. Thanks bb. I just can’t stand looking at him. It’s even worse than Bush…it’s going to be a long 4 years.

  44. Poor Eric — he can’t accept the fact that his guy “won” & now has to deliver despite all evidence that he is incapable of doing it. BWAHAHAHAHA — You own him, Eric & all his epic failures are on your head. Get over it.

  45. How about sleep? I know I could us more.

  46. Even Fox is covering the “Let’s Pretend I’m Lincoln Today Tour, Next Week I’ll Pretend to Be Washington in Patriot Townhalls” train stops. QVC is selling Obama commemerative newspapers. I’m watching old movies on DVD, but the rest of the weekend I’m snuggling up with my new gardening catalogs, lots of paper & pencil, and planning changes in my old organic garden. Putting more veggies in my front yard, too.

    A garden is change you can believe in, and I mean that with all my heart.

  47. I will be working all weekend, and all day Monday & Tuesday — those bankruptcies will not file themselves, you know. It is sad that I am so busy, but, hey, at least I have a job, unlike most of my clients who have gotten laid off. Unfortunately, I see myself only getting busier (December, January & February are traditionally “slow” in the bk world) so I really do not believe we’ve hit bottom yet — not anywhere near it. 2009 will be the year of the bankruptcy attorneys & pawn shops with criminal attorneys bringing up the rear.

  48. oh, my aunt Matilda. NY rep in the House is introducing a bill to repeal the 22nd amendent that limits the terms of prez. It’s Serrano [D], and he doesn’t want to hinder Obama from being POTUS for life, or as long as he wants.
    Has everyone else heard this but me? When does the final meltdown of sanity actually occur? The man hasn’t served one friggin day, and already he’s the best evah.

  49. I’m beginning to get that disassociated feeling one gets after drinking too much good moonshine.

  50. “One of the religious leaders invited to address BO’s inaugural prayer service Wed heads an Islamic group named by federal prosecutors as a co-conspirator in a terrorist-fundraiser trial in Texas.”


    That should keep Fox busy on Monday.

  51. Jmac, only one? I wouldn’t be surprised if a whole passle of Obanauts ended up in the hoosegow before it’s over with.

    parentofed, did you make the hooch from the garden?

  52. btw — don’t think my job is all doom & gloom — I get a lot of pleasure with every filing knowing that I’m sending another big F U wrapped in a federal bow to the credit card companies.

  53. angienc2, nothing that comes with a paycheck can be classified as “doom and gloom.”
    Okay, on second thought, hardly anything.

  54. Cinie, on January 17th, 2009 at 6:17 pm Said:

    angienc2, nothing that comes with a paycheck can be classified as “doom and gloom.”
    Okay, on second thought, hardly anything.

    Cheer-up! You could be working in the “death-care” industry. Although it’s recession-proof, I saw on teevee that peoples are going for cheaper options, i.e. cremation.

  55. Jmac – Oh dear God! ZOMG TEH SCARY MUSLIM BLACK MAN!!!11!!!1!!!111!!!

    Cinie – hilarious post! I think for me, it will be music and reading – always the best escape during times of trouble. I’ll be working during the awesome He Man Woman-Hating invocation, thank Jeebus.

  56. The title of this post reminds me of “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead.”

  57. Who said they speak a dialect of Russian in Uzbekistan?! ‘Cause that’s just silly.

  58. DYB: You would know!

  59. myiq, that was August.

  60. Fredster> I wouldn’t tell a person from Uzbekistan that they speak Russian. They would not be amused.

  61. Was I hallucinating when I heard that the 0 had a 80% approval rating (I had Hannity on in the background while I was cleaning…my house will be spotless by February if this keeps up). Where are they finding these smucks for that data?

    Cinie, this post reminded me of the song, “I’ve got better things to do” like wash my car in the rain.

  62. DYB – An Odiot said that, of course. (h/t Anna Belle)

  63. Odiot works for me, Madamab. No offense to idiots intended.

  64. I do believe they speak Uzbek in Uzbekistan.

    Cinie, I rarely comment but do want to tell you how much I enjoy your postings! You’re a great addition to this blog 🙂

    I’ll be working Tuesday and will thankfully not have access to teevee or radio news. In the evening, I’ll expect to be reading right here as always.

  65. Cinie -Of course.

    Idiots are common. Odiots are SPECIAL. As in, helmet and short bus.

  66. They are many that speak russian in Uzbekistan. All the ones I have met spoke russian.

  67. Youtube has some really great clips of old cartoons if anyone is interested. It all takes me back to my childhood. I have discovered some great 80s/90s cartoons I didn’t know about.

  68. People from Uzbekistan can speak Russian simply because it was a Soviet Republic and they were forced to learn it. But no ethnic resident of that Republic, or any other former Soviet Republic, remembers living under Soviet rule with fondness and tend to prefer to speak their own native languages. (Obviously this rule is not universal.) I’m friends with a woman from Lithuania. She speaks Russian, but chooses not to. I remember when I worked at Tower Records (in the classical department), a well-known Estonian conductor came in to shop. I told him in Russian how much I enjoyed his work. He answered me in English.

  69. DYB, on January 17th, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    The young people do enjoy speaking russian

  70. We have a lot in common with other countries. Their kids study english and so do ours.

  71. Our kids study?

  72. Cinie:

    Right before each test

  73. I am looking up how to repair my toilet …because that is useful 🙂

  74. TCM is showing A Face in the Crowd the hour of the Inauguration. Coincidence? Or life imitates art?

  75. hmmm

    this is getting interesting ….evidently I need a new ballcock thing …. because the float arm is no longer attached to the float

    ( this is WAY more interesting than the drooling adulation on the news channels; , I wish i could flush them )

  76. I have class during the Inauguration so I’m safe. What I have to avoid is the highlights afterwards.

  77. Regency:

    You’re lucky. I have no class.

  78. The next 5 days will be torture.

  79. I haven’t turned on the news from the MSM in a few months. So as long as you avoid anything but The Game Show Network – you should be ok!

  80. afrocity, how will you protect yourself?

  81. Apparently Serrano has introduced the bill in the previous six congresses and it’s died each time. There are no co-sponsors signed on. Who knows why this man keeps at it. It sure seems a little nutty.


  82. Things to do. Organize files for 2008 tax preparation. Set up new files for 2009 personal , home, business operations.

  83. I win. On the 20th I have agreed to attend a memorial service for a woman I never met. I will do it happily, and hang around for coffee and cookies afterward .

  84. I saw the stats on O with 80% approval—-on how he is handling the transition. Please note G. Bush still has 27% approval as Pres. So what does that tell you? Maybe it is prima facie evidence that Americans can no longer read, write or understand English.

  85. Inaugeration day there is Wed here. I’ll be at a doctor’s appointment for pain in my wrist – may as well see her for the pain in my heart (for Hillary not being the one inaugerated) while I’m there.

    Brushing toilets is, however, a good alternative to the coronation.

  86. There must be a Law and Order marathon, or House marathon, or NCIS, or CIS Miami, CIS NY……—I mean where is this stuff when you really need it.

  87. This will perhaps be the first time in my life that I will enjoy scrubbing my toilets, and you know exactly what big piece of S**T I’ll be trying to scrub out of my mind!
    This past year has been a disaster for women everywhere, even the ones that aren’t smart enough to know it yet (Ms. magazine and all of those who buy it).
    I will also be praying for each of us, that somehow, in my lifetime, I will see Hillary Clinton as my president.
    I will pray that there will be justice for those who were not only hurt by the fraud and corruption during the caucus’s, and made to have a president that cheated, lied, intimidated and hid everything about his past.
    We are in for trouble the likes of which we have never seen in this country, I pray for all of us, our children and grandchildren.
    We needed a true leader, and what we got was a false prophet, one who speaks with a forked tongue, the leader of a cult, the size of which we haven’t seen since WW2.
    There may be more of them that are criminal, those who possess guns, and not for hunting deer. His supporters are thugs, liars, cheats, those who intimidated old people at the caucus’s carrying steal pipes to scare the voters away!
    They are unpredictable, I don’t see them as being a peaceful lot, do you? I predict that Tuesday there will be riots, overturned police cars, looting, everything that Obama brought from the slums of Chicago, and even our own neighborhoods, most of us had neighbors who drank the kool-aid. This is such a travesty that I can hardly stand it, I am just happy that I have of company of good people like you that understand exactly how I feel.
    Tuesday will be the beginning of the end.
    God help us.

  88. That juggling video is the best thing I’ve seen all day! Cool!

    This post is the most hilarious thing I’ve read all day! And now that you mention it, Tuesday would be a great day to learn how to use Pedi Paws on all four cats in our home.

  89. […] by wlotus in Uncategorized. trackback On The Confluence, Cinie gives an often funny list of things we can do instead of watching the inauguration. Goodness knows I am staying far, far away from media all week, so my blood pressure will not get […]

  90. Daddysdarlin – That is kind of what happened in Philadelphia when BO won the primary. There was a lot of destruction.

  91. correction: when he won the election.

  92. It seems like he’s been President Elect, a position that doesn’t even exist, forever.

  93. My parents (who voted for McCain) just went to an Inauguration ball. Even they’re into this crap now.

  94. I can’t believe comments aren’t closed here. (Hey, I’m catching up.) If I told “david” and “roger” to EAT ME, would that be feeding the tr0llz?

  95. Oh, topic?

    Things Jadzia WILL do instead of watching the coronation: Work, which is that thing I do for a living. Everybody else at the law school will be skipping class time to watch the coronation (they are putting big TVs in five classrooms, ugh) — I plan to stay in my office, earning the paycheck that I receive courtesy of our tuition-paying students and the taxpayers of this state, doing the job I get paid to do.

    If it wasn’t a work day? Things Jadzia would RATHER do than watch the coronation:

    1. Wash my two babies’ cloth diapers on a washboard, with no gloves.
    2. Clean out my spam filter.
    3. Brazilian wax.

    OK, that’s the top 3. All the good ones (“express my dog’s anal glands”) are taken.

  96. I am so sick of this being hyped like its the reunion of the Beatles and John & George are rising from the dead. Aside from all the disgusting merchandising — its ridiculous.

    And so far the guy has said or done ZERO to change my opinion of him. Which is bad.

    Maybe I will watch Hillary’s speeches again on YouTube. That may make me feel more hopeful. Then I will start checking all the links on my blogs to see if they all still work…. that oughta cover it! 😉

  97. david & RogerC — your guy “won” — get over it.

  98. Think of all the money you will save by not turning on the TV. No way in HELL will I watch not one minute of this coronation. If obarfy chavez and meanchelle were not the biggest fakes ever…I would have tried to support him In the meantime…living in Florida…I will sit in the sun..swim..and enjoy what is left of America.

  99. Betty, do enjoy. I’ll be thinking of you. Meanwhile here in PA, we’re having a heat wave – 21 degrees!

  100. I do jigsaw puzzles: brings order from chaos, and wonderful time to reflect.
    You need a big flat surface (no Littles is a help) and a cover to keep the cat out at night. You need to guard it from the dogs. You need good light.
    I haven’t found anything better. It’s not $$$. And it’s not fattening. And you don’t have to go into treatment for it or after it.

  101. ROFL, cinie!! I needed that. You have provided a much needed public service.

    You can also watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Twice.

    Clean the dogs ears.

    Untangle all the wires behind the entertainment center.

    Try to indentify things that have migrated to the back of the fridge and freezer.

  102. I’m a hermit, so I’m lucky that I don’t have class on Monday or Tuesday (the people at my school are hardcore Obots). Instead I will eat junk food, drink heavily, try to do some schoolwork (probably before the drinking), and hibernate. If I must do something I’ll watch some deeply cynical movies, like Wag the Dog, and Bob Roberts.

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