The Crying of “Progressive” Blogosphere 1.0

Slowly but surely, the Kool Kidz at the “progressive” blogs are waking up from their self-induced koolaid daze, and discovering the truth about their messiah. The bottom line? Obama is not a liberal. Obama is the second coming of Ronald Reagan. He’s knocking himself out to woo the Republicans, and he couldn’t care less what you or the pushover Democrats in Congress think.

What was your first clue, Obots? You couldn’t be bothered to read his books or actually listen to what he said during the primaries, could you? Nooooooo! You just bought the whole hopey changey swindle and proceeded to force him down America’s throat, and now we’re all stuck with this lemon. And now your whining and crying, your agonized moans and groans will reverberate through blogosphere 1.0 for the next four years. Get over it boys. You did it to yourselves and dragged the rest of us along with you. Wall Street is celebrating your gullibility and stupidity. Didja know they’re paying more than anyone for his obscenely expensive inaugural celebration?

FIVE MILLION HITS

Not bad for a few bitter knitters.  Here’s a song dedication to the little cheeto and all the obsessed PUMA haters:

Inaugural Weekend PUMA Dedication #8

From Valhalla

For us

Inaugural Weekend PUMA Dedication #7

To: PEOTUS

From: Eleanor Rodham A.

Inaugural Weekend PUMA Dedication #6

To: Big Dick and lil’ george

From: Captain Spaulding (with no love)

Things To Do Instead Of Watching The Inauguration

Since many of us would rather pull our lips up over our heads and secure them in place with vice grips than watch a minute of the travesty of the overlong, overblown, overindulgent, overpriced installation of the Mass Marketed Messiah as president of our country, I’ve decided to offer some fun alternative activities to fill the next few interminable days (or, put another way, the next excruciatingly long, infinitely numbered seconds, minutes and hours) without access to television or any other normal news sources.  All are welcome to share their own suggestions with a sure-to-be grateful PUMAsphere.

First, many PUMAs, especially those of us who are of a particular age, could benefit from a good wax.  Shaving, depilitating, arching, and/or plucking unwanted stray hairs from every surface of one’s body where the unruly bastards insist upon growing (especially that one where the gray ones you can only see with a mirror and get to by contorting yourself into positions younger cheerleaders would envy) can provide hours of distraction, with the added benefit of a smooth, hairless body ready for love when you’re done.  Win-win.

Next, along the same lines, clip the toenails of every living being in your household.  Not only will you be kept busy, wood floors will subsequently go unscuffed, family members’ socks will last much longer, and spouses and lovers will be slightly more tolerable bedmates when they place their cold, scruffy feet where they’re not appreciated.  Additionally, think of all the extra calories you’ll be able to consume guilt-free after chasing small children and pets for hours.

The next suggestion will be met with skepticism by some, but bear with me.  Clean.  I know, I hate housework, too, but look at it this way, when will there ever be another time when scrubbing toilets is a preferable alternative to anything?  See, makes sense, huh?  I’m sure there are closets that need organizing, floors that need scrubbing, windows that need washing, and hundreds, if not thousands of little crevices that would benefit from the application of a little elbow grease with a toothbrush, even in the cleanest abodes.  And, for people who have fussy-clean houses like that, give the help the day off and do something yourself.  That should make time fly for you.

Alphabetize your internet files.  I have no idea what possible good that will do, but at least while you’re doing it, you’re not doing anything else, which is the point.  You could also measure your head, as well as the heads of all your friends and family members, sew up the legs of all the underwear in the house, microscopically examine things that come out of your face, make random lists, and read back copies of old magazines cover-to-cover.  Make up silly songs and corresponding dances, then attempt to teach them to strangers at random bus stops and Starbucks locations.  Wander aimlessly.  Drink.

Those of you who like to cook could create new inauguration-inspired recipes from ingredients past their freshness dates and forgotten leftovers.  Read the phone book.  Teach yourself whatever language they speak in Uzbekistan.  Do all your laundry by hand.  Eat.  Learn to use all the tools and appliances received as gifts over the years and stored in dark places in the back of other unused stuff, even the Flow-Bee and the BeDazzler.  Watch your CrockPot cook.  Grind coffee beans one at a time in a mortar and pestle.  Sleep.  Make those “special brownies” you haven’t made since college and won’t go to jail for now, eat them and giggle.

Have a bad ’60’s movie marathon, followed by listening to any old LP’s and 8tracks you still have the ability to play.  Figure out your neighbor’s taxes.  Window shop.  Give yourself an online physical.  Scour the house looking for pencils to sharpen.  Study ancient art history.  Teach a stray dog new tricks.  Fly paper airplanes.  Doodle.  Play board games.  Smell every surface in your home.   Take something apart and see if you can reassemble it.  (Note: only do this with disposable things you can do without, not your new Lexus.)  Write a letter to somebody you fell out with years ago and tell them why.  Whether you send it or not, you’ll feel better and be amazed how long it took to remember the details.  Read the Bible.  Backwards.  Take photos in very low light from weird angles with somebody else’s phone.

I’m sure if you think about it, you can come up with hundreds of innovative ways to get yourself and the rest of us suffering PUMAs through the next few days without losing too many of us to a lifetime of blank staring, mindless babbling and drooling through our tears.

Help

Me

Inaugural Weekend PUMA Dedication #5

We have a special email dedication request:

To: Barack “Superman” Obama

From: The editorial board of Ms. magazine

and this one is from Naomi Wolf:

Saturday: George Bush- great president or the *greatest* president?

I suppose that would depend on how you define “great”:

¹great

Pronunciation:

\ˈgrāt, Southern also ˈgre(ə)t\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Middle English grete, from Old English grēat; akin to Old High German grōz large

Date:

before 12th century

1 a: notably large in size : huge b: of a kind characterized by relative largeness —used in plant and animal names c: elaborate , ample <great detail>2 a: large in number or measure : numerous <great multitudes> b: predominant <the great majority>3: remarkable in magnitude, degree, or effectiveness <great bloodshed>4: full of emotion <great with anger>5 a: eminent , distinguished <a great poet> b: chief or preeminent over others —often used in titles <Lord Great Chamberlain> c: aristocratic , grand <great ladies>6: long continued <a great while>7: principal , main <a reception in the great hall>8: more remote in a family relationship by a single generation than a specified relative <great-grandfather>9: markedly superior in character or quality ; especially : noble <great of soul>10 a: remarkably skilled <great at tennis> b: marked by enthusiasm : keen <great on science fiction>11—used as a generalized term of approval <had a great time><it was just great>

— great·ness noun

My prediction: George Bush will go down in history as one of the greatest presidents we’ve ever had based on definition 3 above.  The people who selected him, ie, the kleptocrats, gilded capitalists, anti-New Dealers and neo-cons, have got to be extraordinarily pleased with the last eight years.  They don’t see the world as the rest of us do.  They ignore international boundaries.  The world is a place rich in natural and human resources that only suckers wouldn’t exploit.  The last president left billions of money on the table when he left.  It was their right to take it.  Americans were enjoying prosperity.  It was their right to empty our pockets.  Iraq was sitting on a sea of relatively unprotected oil, surrounded by unfriendly neighbors.  It was their right to invade, sieze and hoard it.

In every way that is possible, Bush has restored the divine rights of Kings to do what he pleased.  He and his allies rule the world and have dispensed with the nasty provisions of the Magna Carta.  Runnymede is now just a bad dream.  They had no more loyalty to this country than to any other country.  It doesn’t much matter to them whether the US Treasury is robbed blind.  They have their own parallel banking system.  It matters not a whit that US industries are in trouble.  They have investments elsewhere.  Stem cell research stymied for 8 years?  Not a problem.  There’s always Korea and Japan.  What about all of the scientific research positions that American companies are shedding?  Hey, chemists in India and China are dirt cheap!

Like swarms of locusts hatching out after a 60 year dormancy, they saw the golden, waving fields and consumed every ripened head.  But they didn’t stop there.  They’ve eaten the seed corn too.  Now, we’ve got to start from scratch before the fertile fields dry up and blow away.  And all we’ve got is a guy who has never farmed before paying off  a $600,000,000 loan from some of the same locusts who cleaned us out in the first place.

We have no one but ourselves to blame.  We fall for the glitz and glamor, the strutting and the cowboy hats.  We will never be able to turn things around until the voters stop falling for the snake oil salesmen and until the press is free.  Sad to say, but we ARE the press at this point.  It’s political blogosphere 2.0 or nothing.

Inaugural Weekend PUMA Dedication #3

To PEOTUS

From: RedDragon62 and DisenfranchisedVoter