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Operation Pantsuit: A Play In One Misguided Act.

Can't Touch This

Can't Touch This

THE SCENE: DAVID AXELROD’S conference room. We are witnessing a meeting with the Obama team’s inside-iest insiders. Attending are AXELROD, DAVID PLOUFFE and VALERIE JARRETT. RAHM EMANUEL is attending via teleconference from Paraguay, where he is hiding out from Patrick Fitzgerald and his ongoing investigation. His face is shown on a screen on the far wall of the room. The other three participants are seated in cream leather executive chairs around the black granite table, which is polished to an immaculate sheen. The walls are sage green and covered with pictures of Obama looking beneficent and Presidential.

AXELROD (addressing the wall screen): Rahm, can you hear us? I know things are kinda primitive in Paraguay.

EMANUEL: Not where I am. Our man Barack has made everyone feel so post-partisan that George W. has been hosting me. (a Paraguayan houseboy, wearing a large nametag that reads “Hello, my name is Juan” brings him a tropical drink) Thanks, Miguel! (The houseboy leaves, rolling his eyes; EMANUEL sips his drink) Mmm…nothing like fresh mango.

JARRETT (sarcastically): Gosh, can I be the target of a federal investigation too?

PLOUFFE (looking around) Shhh! For god’s sake, Valerie, don’t jinx it! Everyone, make the sign of the “O”!

(The following ritualized actions are done with a precision that would put synchronized swimmers to shame.)

(ALL raise their arms and make an “O” sign with their hands)

ALL TOGETHER: Obama, protect us! Obama, protect us! Obama, protect us!

(ALL lower their arms.)

AXELROD: Ahhhh, that’s better. It looks like we’re ready to start now.

(ALL put on their “serious” faces)

AXELROD: As you know, today was a big day for our President. Several of his appointments went to confirmation hearings, including…HER.

(ALL nod solemnly)

AXELROD: Now, none of us wanted HER, but thanks to those damn voters in the primary and those idiotic PUMAs, she had the leverage to elbow her way into the Cabinet. A moment of silence, please, for our brother John Kerry, who deserved the Secretary of State position so much more.

(ALL bow their heads solemnly)

AXELROD (sighing): Still, just because we didn’t want her doesn’t mean we don’t have a strategy for dealing with her. David, want to bring us up to speed on Operation Pantsuit?

PLOUFFE: Sure, Dave. (Standing, working the room a bit) Well, whatever our personal feelings about HER are, we knew she would sail through the nominating process. Our trial balloon about Bill and his charitable foundation went absolutely nowhere, except with the Republicans and our fans in the blogosphere – and we know they’ll believe anything about the Clintons.

AXELROD: And thank God for that, am I right, people?

JARRETT: Hell, yeah! (EMANUEL looks uncomfortable, but consoles himself with another sip of his drink.)

PLOUFFE: Our job going forward is to undermine her without making the President look bad. After all, he picked her – and some of his other Cabinet picks are off to a rocky start.

EMANUEL (interrupting): I TOLD you guys not to pick Richardson and Geithner!

PLOUFFE (grimacing): Yes, yes, you were right, Rahm.

EMANUEL (annoyed and vindicated): Hmph!

PLOUFFE: MAY I continue? (glares around room, annoyed at constant interruptions)

(ALL are silent)

PLOUFFE (satisfied): All RIGHT then. We decided we would use our, um, contacts in the media and the blogosphere to put a subtly negative spin on everything.

JARRETT: Ahhhhh, that’s what those meetings with the press were about! The President is letting them know who’s the boss before he’s even inaugurated. Is he amazing, or what?

AXELROD: Yeah – and he’s already got ‘em trained at the press conferences. The ones that he doesn’t notify in advance? They don’t even bother raising their hands anymore. Woof, woof, good doggies!

(ALL LAUGH, including PLOUFFE.)

PLOUFFE: Sooooo, back to the plan. Here’s what we told everyone. Hillary’s being so prepared and knowledgeable? Just proof that the questions were easy. Her husband’s charity work? Sleazy and ineffective. Her intelligence? Could cause disagreements with Barack! Most of all, they’ll emphasize how she is going to be a subordinate to the President and that she’d better understand that!

(PLOUFFE smiles, proud of himself. The others look at each other in silent disbelief.)

EMANUEL (voicing everyone’s thoughts): That’s it? (standing up, getting more and more visibly agitated) Are you fucking kidding me? This is Hillary Rodham goddamned Clinton we’re talking about! She had the entire Party against her and still almost stole the nomination out from under Barack’s nose. We shut her plan for universal healthcare down in the Senate, but she managed to become Secretary of State instead. This woman is unsinkable after 17 years of the same type of lame propaganda you’re pushing, and you really think it’s gonna take her down now? That shit just makes her stronger! She’s just gonna smile sweetly and do whatever the fuck she wants. She is going to take foreign policy away from the President! Wake up, people!!

AXELROD: (stunned) Oh my God. She’s going to be the foreign President! How could we have let this happen?

(Suddenly, BARACK OBAMA enters the room.)

OBAMA: Hey guys, how’s it goin’?

(ALL stand and ritualistically make the sign of the “O”, as they did before.)

OBAMA (smiling): At ease, people. So, I gather you’re talking about my new Secretary of State?

(ALL nod shamefacedly.)

OBAMA (working the room): Look, everyone, I really appreciate all the worrying you’re doing about how she’s gonna take over the foreign side of the government. But the notion that somehow you have to do something about it, is, frankly, not the case. The fact is, I’m totally cool with it.

JARRETT (worshipfully): Really, Barack?

OBAMA: Absolutely! You all know that during the primaries, I just copied whatever she said about Iraq, Iran, Pakistan and all that. The only disagreements we ever had were when she didn’t go first in the debates and I couldn’t imitate her! I had to really struggle to create the illusion that she and I were on opposite sides of, well, anything.

PLOUFFE: And you did it so well, Mr. President – some people even got the impression you actually voted against the AUMF, even though you weren’t in the Senate in 2003!

OBAMA (laughing): Yeah, good times, good times. Anyway, here’s the bottom line: I wouldn’t have picked her if I disagreed with her on foreign policy. You saw how Teddy and I pushed her around on health care. This Secretary of State thing works out great for me. She and Joe Biden can work on all that Middle East crap, while I am free to focus on, shall we say, more domestic issues?

EMANUEL: You mean, like running for re-election, privatizing Social Security and funneling even more taxpayer money to the evangelicals and Wall Street? Cause as you know, we are totally on board with that.

ALL (agreeing loudly): Yeah! Great!

OBAMA (grinning): You got it! So stop worrying, and don’t waste your time with this penny-ante stuff. Our next mission is make sure that everyone understands that I am the next coming of Lincoln, so our focus should be on the inauguration.

AXELROD: Oh, don’t worry about that, Barack. I’m on it! We’re going to eat the same food Lincoln did, you’re doing the riding the rails thing, and of course, you’re swearing the Oath of Office on Lincoln’s Bible. People will get the message, believe me!

OBAMA: Great! But, uh…about that Oath of Office. It’s so, I dunno, BORING. Can’t we punch it up a little? Make it more, Barack-y?

(ALL look away from Obama, not wanting to be the one to break it to him. There is a short, uncomfortable silence.)

EMANUEL (bravely): Uh, what did you have in mind, Mr. President?

OBAMA (excitedly): Okay. So I’m thinking music in the background, maybe Jay-Z – like, “99 Problems?” And I wanna add some stuff about Jesus and being post-partisan and unity and hope and change and…

AXELROD (interrupting): Of course, Mr. President! I know just what you mean. (ushering him out of the room) We’ll get Favreau right on it.

EMANUEL (after AXELROD and OBAMA are out of the room): Holy shit! Is he serious?

JARRETT (rolling her eyes): Of course he is.

EMANUEL (starting to panic): We’re not going to change the Oath of Office, are we?

AXELROD (entering the room again, calmly): Don’t worry, Rahm. He gets so excited about these things. We just humor him and in a few hours, he forgets all about it. Believe me, I know just how to handle him when he’s in this mood.

PLOUFFE (excited): So does that mean that Operation Pantsuit is not DOA?

AXELROD (kindly): Sorry, Dave. We’re going to have to can it. It looks like we’re stuck with HER for the duration.

(PLOUFFE is crestfallen. JARRETT goes around to his end of the table and starts rubbing his shoulders consolingly.)

JARRETT: Don’t worry, Dave. There really wasn’t much you could have done.

EMANUEL: Yeah, Dave. Believe me, I know that bitch – she is fucking indestructible. Besides, is it just me, or do you sometimes find yourself thinking that, um…we could have done a lot worse?

(ALL fidget uncomfortably…then JARRETT blows out her breath in a sigh of relief and walks back to her seat.)

JARRETT: Oh my God, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! (The others relax visibly, now free to express their true feelings.)

AXELROD: She was awesome in that hearing!

PLOUFFE: I love her in brown!

EMANUEL (shocked): Wait a minute – you guys LIKE her?

AXELROD (giddy with relief): Of course we do! Come on, Rahm. Do you really think Barack can handle what’s going on in the world today? She is going to save his bacon – and he can take all the credit for everything she does! It’s absolutely brilliant!

JARRETT: Yeah! Obama is a genius for picking her!

PLOUFFE (smiling): I couldn’t agree more! Come on guys, let’s get out of here. I hear there’s a big pre-inauguration party at Matthews’ place tonight! Catch you later, Rahm!

(The screen goes dark. ALL get up and start to leave.)

JARRETT: Awwww, Matthews again? Just make sure you guys don’t leave me alone with him. Last time he cornered me in the upstairs hallway and told me I gave him a tingle up his leg!

PLOUFFE: No way! I thought he was gay!


36 Responses

  1. Wonderful play Madam.
    Your always make the point with humor.
    Yes Senator Clinton is like the “Unsinkable Molly Brown”
    I had not thought of that until your play.



  2. Madamab

    It would be great to have your little skit sent to SNL. I’ll bet they’d grab it, and air it, in a New York minute.

  3. OH



    This has to be ONE of your best!!!!!!!!!!!

    The pseudo-religious Masonic “O” sign? BRILLIANT.

    The “foreign president” – GENIUS.

    The “wiping Barack’s ass while he takes credit for doing nothing” – THE AWFUL TRUTH.

    MadamaB, just simply and effusively – BRILLIANT.

  4. Is it just me or does “Plouffe” seem like the sound of a one-cheek sneak fart?

    “Jim casually leaned over as he farted, hoping no one noticed the quiet plouffe sound he made.”

  5. Thanks, everyone!


    New Hampster wants to do a radio show featuring my plays…I’ll let you all know if/when it happens!

  6. “don’t jinx it – Everyone make the sign of the O”

    Too funny.

  7. Madam
    Please do the radio show. It would be great and would really help all of us get through this abomination.
    You make us laugh and think at the same time. That is not an easy thing to do.



  8. madamab: What can I say? You are quite simply the best. And of course they continue to offer only fertile grounds for your imagination to play with. So good! So funny! So absolutely on target!


  9. great play madamab — as usual it hits the mark all too well.

  10. myiq2xu, on January 15th, 2009 at 9:03 pm Said:

    Is it just me or does “Plouffe” seem like the sound of a one-cheek sneak fart?

    “Jim casually leaned over as he farted, hoping no one noticed the quiet plouffe sound he made.”

    This is what they also call the “silent, but deadly” ones.

  11. I can envision it all so clearly… right down to the last few hairs left on Axlerod’s head.

    You really have a great talent for this madamab.

  12. Obama is hosting a dinner for John McCain the night before the inauguration.

    Guess who wasn’t invited?

  13. Thanks folks!

  14. Well, myiq – You know that Sarah Palin is only the mayor of a small town. Why should she be invited?


  15. Sometimes I question my own sanity. What is it that they see so fervently that eludes me? What is it that blocks my ability to look beyond my own misgivings?

    I don’t think that I am stupid or not possessive of some measure of critical thinking, but I just don’t get it. In all my life I have never witnessed such complete adoration and conviction for anyone or anything since the death of Princess Diana.

    Although I sort of liked watching her perform on the world stage, they somehow managed to turn her into an icon or perfection and the hoopla went on for longer than expected. These accolades follow the same course.

    I admit that it could be me but I just don’t get it.

  16. Off Topic:

    Damn its cold here in Chi-Town!

    If you remember, please say a prayer for those that find themselves without a warm room to sleep in tonight here in Chicago.
    We have had record snowfall here..not since 1884 have we seen so much snow fall, and there is no end in site for this cold snap.

    Today it was -18 degrees as I took my puppies out for a walk. I went to buy them some doggy coats and booties as they could not walk on the ground.

    I stopped to pass out blankets and bought some hot coffee for those I could find but I know it was not enough.

    Wonder if Obama is nice and toasty tonight?
    Lord knows, the poor people of his “old” Senate district are not!

    Please remember these unfortunate souls tonight. Many are women and children whom have been abandoned by the so-called men in their lives!

  17. Brilliant!!

  18. RedDragon: Well said.

  19. Fantastic!

    “Fucking indestructible.” You know it,baby.

  20. Pat:

    Princess Diana did a HELLUVA lot more than Obama did.

    Ok, she was from blue blood, but seen as a commoner since she worked for a living as a nanny.

    She was 18 when she married Prince Charles.

    It was a more natural affection towards her because her faults were all out there, her bulimia, her affairs after discovering Charles still loved Camilla, beautiful Will & Harry, her war against the Royal Establishment to what she can or can’t do, etc.

    Princess Diana, NEVER exploited her children. EVER.

  21. RedDragon – Wow. I’m here thinking it’s cold in Tampa. Truly an inspirational comment.

  22. sm77:

    Al Bundy has done more to help women than Obama.

    Al sells women’s shoes.

  23. Pat, there are a lot more sane people than kool-ade drinkers. You’re not alone.

  24. Pat
    we were taught to admire people who really did things that made a difference.
    Now everything is image not substance.
    Other than Bill and Hillary Clinton what politician has done anything for the people of this country in years?
    The younger people are being taught not to expect excellence or substance in elected officials and sometimes not even themselves.
    Congress has become a sick joke. Their motto is I get mine and screw the people who put me here.
    Everything is just get by, you don’t have to work for anything.
    The coming economic downturn is going to be worse on the young than it was in the 1930s.
    How many really know how to survive?



  25. The homeless are being rounded up and told to “Disappear” as the inauguration nears…DC, with only 6000 beds for the homeless !

    Where do they expect these people to go?

    Jeebus forbid, Obama has to see these unwashed masses..

    Washington’s homeless told to move along for inauguration:

    “Before sunrise on Thursday, Frank Mearns will leave the place he calls home, a stone’s throw from the White House, and join thousands of others in Washington who are upping sticks and moving out for the presidential inauguration.
    But Mearns isn’t about to make a quick buck by renting out his pied-a-terre. Nor is he heading out of town on an inauguration escape holiday.
    He’s one of Washington’s army of homeless who are being cleared from the center of the US capital ahead of the historic inauguration of Barack Obama.
    “There’s a sweep on Thursday at 5:00 am,” Mearns said.
    “Everyone’s got to be out of here and stay out until next Thursday,” the 37-year-old said.
    “Here” is a space on 14th Street and New York Avenue, in the heart of a zone in the center of Washington that will be closed to traffic and heavily policed during the inauguration.
    “Here” is also home to Mearns and a dozen other homeless people each night.
    Five of his fellow street dwellers work full-time but can’t afford to pay the high rents in the Washington area. Another is a man who was displaced from his home in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina. And there are a handful of women in the group.
    “There’s a lady who’s been on the streets for 10 years and been raped seven times. She sleeps next to the guy from Katrina and if he’s not here, she sleeps somewhere else. She sleeps here for safety. She doesn’t know where she’ll go next week,” Mearns told AFP.”


  26. You would think with all the damn money being spent to “WORSHIP” Obama, that some could be put to use helping these people.

    What sickens me even more is that poor woman who has been raped seven times!

    I would like to DE-BARK the penis of the animals that did this to her!


  27. Always delicious!
    My favorite part

    EMANUEL: Not where I am. Our man Barack has made everyone feel so post-partisan that George W. has been hosting me. (a Paraguayan houseboy, wearing a large nametag that reads “Hello, my name is Juan” brings him a tropical drink) Thanks, Miguel! (The houseboy leaves, rolling his eyes;

  28. Did anyone see this latest outrage to the left?

    Raw Story: Obama: Killing bin Laden may not be essential

    He’s done at least two alarming things a week since January 08 but white male leftists were too invested in maintaining their position to notice.

  29. Enough outrage. I have work to do.

  30. Hilarious madamab! Operation Pantsuit…and the sign of the “O.”

    love it.

    & yes, she IS indestructible.

  31. Brilliant, madamab, brilliant.
    I especially loved how you “got” Obama.
    “Good times, good times.” lololol. I could hear him
    saying some of his dialogue in that voice he has. After
    he drops his “very sincere” voice and goes to his real
    arrogant and contemptuous one. The one his handlers
    taught him not to use publicly. The one the Obots like so
    much because it reminds them of them and shows he’s
    so kool.
    Something like the sociopathic narcisists in a Mamet play.
    Only Obama’s oilier. And funnier.
    What was scary was there were parts that were funny
    because they were so over the top, but thinking about it they
    were kind of realistic. Very scary.
    More, more. I need to laugh.

  32. RedDragon,
    Maybe you could send that little story, especially
    about the raped woman, to Ms. editors, about their
    little feminist.
    I can’t believe they can’t find a few dollars to house the
    homeless for this week of “hope” and change and joy.

  33. Thanks for the great theater, madamab. {applause}

  34. Thanks, MadamaB. Now in honor of our leader, the goddess Hillary, may I suggest that someone with better computer skills than I give us a post of the Valkyries for our next operatic selection. Flagstad or Nilsson will do just fine, thank you.

  35. […] vs Wade – Obama’s …Krugman was invited,… on Vanity media: who does the…Operation Pantsuit: … on Krugman was invited, but didn…Stray Yellar Dawg on The DUH award: Now […]

  36. Bravo, madamab! Spot on as usual, but this one made me laugh out loud at the synchronized sign of the “O.”

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