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Tis The Season to Be Jolly!

santadump

Many years ago when I first got out of the Army, I got a job as an exterminator in San Jose.  It wasn’t exactly a glamorous job but it paid the bills.  I had a route that was mostly residential accounts, which meant  I did exterior  sprays of the homes and yards of regular customers.  In San Jose that’s a year-round job because the weather is so mild.

Some of my customers kept their gates locked so I had to call ahead the evening before to let them know I was coming.  One Christmas Eve morning I knocked on the door of one of my call-ahead accounts and I was surprised when the lady of the house answered the door in a sexy negligee.  I was even more surprised when without saying a word she took my hand and led me to the bedroom where she treated me to a very erotic experience.

Afterwards, I was putting my uniform back on when she reached over to her purse on the nightstand, pulled out a dollar and handed it to me.  I was confused and asked her why.  She said:

“I told my husband you were coming by this morning and asked him if I should give you a tip for Christmas.  He said ‘F*ck the exterminator – give him a dollar.'”

What’s your funny Christmas story/joke?

64 Responses

  1. Well, one Christmas Eve when I was living in San Jose, the exterminator had called to say he was coming by…

  2. (shaking my head)

    That’s the funniest Christmas story I’ve ever heard!

  3. Do you realize how long I’ve been waiting to tell that?

  4. I hope my Christmas avatar shows up by new years.

  5. Oh crap, I said “hope”

  6. Could you “change” “hope” to something else?

  7. Hey! I changed my avatar a couple of weeks ago. What happened?

  8. Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

  9. Cinie LOL! good one.

    myiq, I “hope” that’s not Billy Bob.

  10. I’ll bite. I dunno. Why is Santa so jolly?

  11. A: Because he knows who all the naughty girls are!

  12. BTW – Before anyone complains that I am being offensive:

    “I often offend myself.”

    (h/t Taggles for that line)

  13. Q: Why don’t Santa and Mrs. Claus have any kids?

  14. That was cute, Myiq!

  15. A: Because Santa only comes once a year, and that’s down the chimney!

  16. If I was a humorless fanatic, I would now go into a rant about the sexist implications of how “Mrs. Claus” doesn’t have a first name, unlike her husband.

  17. Even baloney has a first name

  18. myiq, isn’t Santa a girl’s name?

  19. Baloney also has a pseudonym.

  20. santa’s wife may prefer to keep her name private. this is his gig, not hers.

  21. Cinie:

    It’s a kid’s name (Santa Baby)

  22. Katie it’s good to see you, and to know that you’re ok! I go in and out of being around here, but seeing you always makes me feel comfortable. thank you for that 🙂

  23. I have a computer game called “Elf Bowl” where Santa uses elves as bowling pins.

    It’s about 10 years old but still funny

  24. Yeah, we’ve missed you lately KB!

  25. (blushing)

    Thank you, kiki & MyIQ – I’ve missed everyone more than I can say. I’m really glad to be back.

  26. I used to play an elf bowling game that was fun – I think it was a Yahoo game?

  27. I never played elf bowling but I used to play Holiday Lemmings. I guess it’s not at all the same

  28. Cinie, on December 24th, 2008 at 8:05 pm Said:

    Well, one Christmas Eve when I was living in San Jose, the exterminator had called to say he was coming by…
    **************
    Well, one depressing Christmas Eve, a few weeks after a divorce, when I was living in *******, I decided to get out of town and go to Wy for Xmas. As I was packing, my phone rang and 28yo woman I vaguely knew said she would like to go with me. The sensitive person that I am responded: “Are you out of your f’ing mind?

  29. I tend to identify with Scrooge and Mr. Grinch after working for several years in retail. Christmas meant long hours and rude customers.

    Add to that spending most of my childhood Christmases in the backseat of a car, travelling to see my asshole stepfather’s family, and you’ll see why I’m not filled with holiday cheer.

    I’m a starry-eyed pessimist. I want a merry Christmas, I just don’t expect to get one.

  30. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays to all my conflucians buds. I may not post often but rest assured I lurk daily.

    Thanks for the belly laugh myiq!!!

  31. Merry Christmas, everyone. AND GOD DAMN MICHELLE OBAMA.

  32. Myiq – For many years I had a little plaque in my kitchen that said – You make your own sunshine I no longer have it in my kitchen because I don’t need to be reminded anymore.

    I also had a mug made to give to clients many years ago that had Expect Excellence on the side of it – several of my clients thanked me long after I gave them that mug, saying that once they started expecting the best instead of the worst good things began to start happening -son of a gun, how about that! 😯

  33. happy Holidays! Does my new gravatar show already?

  34. All pessimists are disappointed starry-eyed optimists.
    Or grown-ups.
    Kiss the kid in you.

  35. myiq2xu

    Here’s hoping there’s lots of mistletoe every where you go tommorow!

  36. Cinie
    The pessimist says: “It can’t get any worse.” The optimist says : “yes, it can!”

  37. Joanelle:

    I have one plaque that says “Rehab is for Quitters” and the other says “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!”

  38. A tough nut doesn’t need a hard shell.

  39. hmm, like scratch a cynic and you’ll find a disappointed idealist. maybe sad, maybe realistic but still a little sad.

    happy holidays y’all. this past year would have been unbearable without you. thank you so very much

  40. Myiq: I can’t begin to match the humor of your story, but I do have a little family story. For the first time in over 20 years, I’m not giving my Christmas caroling party. I always went all out for this party, hauling out silver, intricate theme decorating, endless made-from-scratch foods, mulitple nogs and mulls, the whole works.

    One year, I labored over a Lane Cake and just as I was done, I had to go outside, leaving the cake on the buffet. When I got back inside, our wonderful, intelligent Sheltie, who was not a dog but a member of the family, slunk away. He had taken the smallest of bites from the cake, not disturbing any part except that little bite. Despairing, I cut out all around the bite part and scrunched the cake back together, decorating all around it with little baubles. It looked beautiful, and everyone raved about the cake; I never told anyone but the Kid and my sister.

    Our beloved Sheltie died a few years ago, and we retell this story about him every Christmas.

  41. It’s a good thing I know this story as the exterminator is coming tomorrow and I am all put of dollars

  42. POE:

    Those are the cherished memories.

  43. re: pessimists and optimists…

    When I was a child I saw a bar sign that said:

    A Pessimist thinks all women are wicked.
    An Optimist merely hopes so.

    My Mother defined the words optimist and pessimist for me, but I still did not get the joke. I finally figured it out when I was an adult.

    stupid, I know…..

  44. I don’t know if there are any Anita Baker fans here, but her’s a non-Christmas song that shows how some of us pie-in-the-sky-eyed optimists get to be pessimists.

  45. An optimist thinks the glass is half-full.

    A pessimist thinks the glass will be stolen.

  46. hey kiki how are things down your way?

  47. MyIq,

    Best story I’ve heard in a long, long time.

  48. well Happy Holidays to all conflusians and again I ask

    Santa-

    “Santa I have had a lot of disappointments this year with the whole obama thing…so would you pleas make sure not a single obama-bot gets a f’cking pony!”

    thank you-

    fuzzy the red nosed bear

  49. Prolix:

    My grandma told it to me.

  50. myiq2xu-where is aur prayerful little girl and her “wheres my f’ing pony?” I think it would be nice to wake up to that tomorrow!

  51. MyIq,

    It was my grandpa who said give you a dollar.

  52. fuzzy:

    If they get a pony, it will be delivered “Godfather” style!

  53. Fuzzy:

    It’s Christmas, not “ponymas”

  54. Bad Santa just started on the Comedy Channel.

  55. over at YTD they did 1 thread on Mr obambi/Pampers selecting “The Purpose filled Bigot” as his preacher in charge of the coronation….

    one of those zombies to the rest of the obats that they shouldnt rag on obams choice of the Rev. Homophobe because ther was no difference between courting him and courting/meeting Iran’s Amedinijad…what a crackpot….

    Oh worry not they have stopped this r@cist Obama hating and gone back to their COLB/Berg rants…

  56. I’m sneaking my Christmas post up in between you and Shtuey — do you mind myiq? It looks like your other posts are just videos?

  57. My only “real” post will go up tommorrow morning.

    Until then it’s just drunken ranting.

  58. They also do not like texas darling and she seems to be the focus of their hate right now…..

    I cannot decide which i like better?

    “Purpose Driven Bigot”

    or

    Purpose Filled Bigot”

    or
    “Rev Lardass with a bad hair cut and a small wennie”

  59. For anyone interested, my holiday offering is posted. Love to all Conflucians and their families. Safe travels wherever you may roam.

  60. I’ve always loved Christmas but, my mom hates it. She really, really hates buying gifts. My parents also had a rule that if we asked for something we wouldn’t get it. So the whole idea of a “Christmas List” was a total shock to me when I heard about it. Most of us kids reacted like Riverdaughter and tend to go way overboard buying gifts for our families. Without using credit cards…..

  61. Feliz Navidad Conflucians. Thanks for all the sanity. This year has been a mess. I remember when Garychapelhill first asked if he could post his pictures of Hil and Maya. That seems so long ago now. Happy everything.

  62. Cinie, @ 10:19 beautiful song and beautiful video.

    My most memorable Christmas wasn’t funny at the time but we can laugh about it now. We spent all Christmas day in the emergency room with my nephew who was 12 or so at the time. (He’s 23 now and heading to Iraq in February) My parents gave him a set of golf clubs for Christmas because he wanted to be just like his Pawpaw. I guess it was the spirit of the holidays that made him forget that his little sister was “the enemy” and he graciously allowed her a tee off. At the last second, he stepped forward to show her the “right” way to do it and she beaned him with the golf club in the middle of his forehead.

    Our first clue was when my niece came in the door and ran screaming- hysterically- all the way through the house, “I didn’t mean to! I didn’t mean to!” over and over. While everyone else is trying to figure out what’s wrong with her, I went the door and saw my nephew walking down the driveway. His entire face and neck are solid red with blood. I mean every square inch except the white of his eyes. I grabbed a kitchen towel and pressed hard. Poor thing, I know that hurt but I had to. Then he looked at his hand that that he had been holding on his head and saw it was covered in blood and started screaming “OMG! Am I gonna die?” Meanwhile my niece feels guilty and thinks she might be in trouble, so she’s crying too.

    Funny thing, I was always the wild one in the family- the only one without kids – and the only one that didn’t panic. By the time the doc in the ER saw him – four hours later – his 2″ gash was pretty much closed. He put a butterfly bandage on it and sent him home. I’ll have to tell my nephew’s new wife this story tomorrow. She loves to hear these stories about him and we love to rib him about when he was little.

    Have a good holiday everyone!

  63. […] Tis The Season to Be Jolly! Many years ago when I first got out of the Army, I got a job as an exterminator in San Jose.  It wasn’t exactly […] […]

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