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Hey Obama! I got yer party unity right here!

Can you say "bitter?"

I got yer party unity right here!

It’s been a long hard couple of years since this campaign first started.  Tensions are high.  We need some laughs and it’s Halloween, so here is your assignment (if you choose to accept it):

Tell us your funniest Halloween jokes, and give us links to the funniest Halloween pictures and comics.  I have already set the bottom threshold for bad taste and offensivensess, so don’t go below it (go over to Klownhaus and post it in my Halloween thread there)  I’ll post the best ones later tonight.  NO SERIOUS STUFF ON THIS THREAD!!!!

So have at it Conflucians!  Happy Halloween!

Donna Brazile makes me sick!
Donna Brazile makes me sick!

198 Responses

  1. First two funny. Last pic – not so much.

  2. Why can’t the witch have a baby?

    Because her husband has a halloweinie.

  3. Dee:

    Captain Spaulding thought it was hilarious. Besides, RD said I couldn’t get any worse than the first two.

    I won

  4. myiq2xu,

    The last photo of the pumpkins is a bit over the top, for even you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things always look a bit better in time, there should be no shame in asking for HELP!

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

  5. Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

    They’re so wrapped up in themselves…

  6. From:

    http://possumsal.homestead.com/Halloween/arebetter.html

    Why pumpkins are better than men:

    1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

    2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

    3. One usually makes a better pie.

    4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
    5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
    6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
    7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
    8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

    Sorry, maybe this belonged in the last thread.

  7. Happy Halloween
    I personally experienced voter fraud.
    I went to visit my grandmother at her nursing home. She casually mentioned that a nurses aide had filled out absentee ballots for each resident and made them sign it. My grandmother is not a US citizen but the nurses aide made her sign it anyway. There are several old Russian ladies there and she made them sign.

  8. What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?

    Lazy Bones

  9. Woman Voter:

    It’s Halloween, where the gruesome and macabre is permissible.

  10. Let me repeat:

    NO SERIOUS STUFF

    If you post it, I’ll delete it.

  11. I got yer party unity right here!
    Hilarious !

  12. What kind of street does a ghost like best?

    A dead end.

  13. I converted my mom to McCain though.

  14. Petal:

    If Obama’s caravan was passing by, I would moon him even if it got me arrested.

  15. My dad taught me this poem which he used to recite every Halloween. He learned it from his teacher back in the 1920’s…

    At Halloween the ghosts are seen
    A trippling gayly on the green
    Now left, now right
    With all our might
    We’ll dance until the morning light.

  16. It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.
    “What will you have?” the bartender asked.
    “I’ll have a glass of blood,” the first replied.
    “I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,” said the second.
    “I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third.
    “OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?”

  17. Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowman?

    A: Frostbite

  18. Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

    A: No, they eat the fingers separately…

  19. Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?

    A: Because they don’t have any body to go out with.

  20. Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

    A: To improve his bite!

  21. Football: Christians vs Pagans
    ( Heard one night on Between the Worlds Radio, WIKA… )

    Bob: For those of you who have just joined us, this has been one hell of a game! The Salem Witches, led by the ferocious play of Sven Gahrinnson, a huge Asatru defensive end, have taken a 21-14 lead over the Bethany Baptists.

    Sam: That’s right, Bob. Sven’s a force, but Bethany’s quarterback Paul Damascus has been throwing passes with all the zeal of an evangelist passing out tracts on Judgement Day. Leading the Baptists’ Fire and Brimstone offense, Damascus has been burning the Witches’ secondary all evening.

    Bob: Sam, now that was uncalled for…

    Sam: Hey, if the Witches hadn’t put a spell on the referees they wouldn’t even be in this game!

    Bob: And if the Baptists hadn’t soaked the field with holy water, the Witches would still be able to use their running game, not to mention the third degree burns that Salem’s tight end received.

    Sam: His name was Vlad! I’ll bet he wasn’t only a witch but a…

    Bob: Don’t say it!

    Sam: But the Bible says…

    Bob: SAM! Let’s return to the action on the field.

    Sam: [mumbling] Well it does…

    Bob: Salem’s just about to kick off with 2:35 left in the fourth quarter. JohnPaul is on his own five yard line to receive for the Baptists. Here’s the kick… It’s a beauty! Just look at the hang time!

    Sam: I’d look for a penalty on that kick. Illegal summoning of air elementals, I would think.

    Bob: JohnPaul takes the kick… he’s on the ten… the fifteen… WOW! WHAT A HIT!! Sven just leveled JohnPaul! I’m amazed Bethany’s return man could even hold on to the ball. Uh oh… JohnPaul’s not moving. The trainers are coming out to the field.

    Sam: [chanting gleefully] Threefold law! Threefold law! Sven’s going to pay! He meant to hit him hard.

    Bob: Sam, this is football! You’re supposed to hit them hard. Besides, Sven’s not Wiccan, he’s Asatru!

    Sam: [mumbling] Well, they’re all going to burn in hell. They aren’t Christian, after all. The Bible says —

    Bob: [cutting off Sam] It looks like JohnPaul’s going to be okay. He ay not know what time zone he’s in after that hit, but at least he’s on his feet. The Witches’ defense takes the field. Sven holds down the left side while Gavin Lord leads Salem’s Wild Hunt defense. Listen to them howl! The Witches’ fans are going wild, the pep band is leading a spiral dance while the cheerleaders are drawing down the moon. I can’t imagine how Bethany can even hear the count over all this noise! Here’s the snap. Damascus drops back. Here comes Sven! Damascus is scrambling, chased by the Wild Hunt. He has nowhere to run, not with the Hunt on his heels. Damascus throws the ball away, stopping the clock with 2:08 left to play.

    Sam: There’s a flag on the play. I’ll bet it’s against the Witches

    Bob: My guess is holding on the offense, Sam.

    Sam: Yeah, right. You’re just saying that ’cause you don’t want the Baptists to win.

    Bob: No, I’m saying that because one of Bethany’s offensive linemen is still holding someone’s kilt!

    Sam: They should call that a foul. After all, the Bible says —

    Bob: [cutting Sam off again] The refs have marked off the penalty and the players are lining up again. Damascus is calling the signals. Here’s the snap. He drops back and throws. It’s caught by Moses at the 30 and he’s brought down immediately. That’s going to bring up the two minute warning.

    Sam: Let’s break for a word from our sponsor, New Jerusalem Witnessing Tracts.

    Bob: Let’s not. We’re back! The word on JohnPaul’s injury is either a slight concussion or demon possession. The team is calling in a specialist from the Vatican to be sure. It seems that Sven hit him hard enough that the Bethany return man thinks he’s in a past life. He keeps saying, I was really just kidding. I like lions. Really. Good kitty! There’s 1:58 left on the game clock and from the look of things on the field, I think that Bethany’s starting to panic.

    Sam: Why do you say that?

    Bob: Because it looks like they’re going for the Hail Mary play.

    Sam: And why do you say that?

    Bob: Just listen to the Baptists’ fans.

    Fans: Hail Mary, Mother of God… Hail Mary, Mother of God…

    Bob: Here’s the snap. Damascus drops back… he’s under pressure… Damascus scrambles to the right, looking for an open receiver… he reverses the field, running to the left… Sven is right on his heals… He throws… Touchdown!! What an immaculate reception! Touchdown Bethany!

    Sam: Yes! Yes! YES!!!

    Bob: Let’s be a little objective here…

    Sam: Time to make those sinners pay!

    Bob: Bethany’s going for the two point conversion. The Wild Hunt is growling, you can hear it even over the roar of the crowd. This could be the game right here, folks. The Baptists are pulling out all the stops. I think that’s even the Ark of the Covenant that they’re parading over there. Here’s the snap… It’s a quarterback sneak! Damascus dives into the heart of the Wild Hunt! Look at that pile! Damascus is somewhere at the bottom. It’s going to be a moment before they sort this one out, folks. One of the Baptists is in Sven’s face. Uh oh… I think he’s witnessing to the Asatru. Yep! There’s the flag! That’ll be unsportsmanlike conduct on Bethany. Fifteen yards off the kick off. It looks like the Baptists have made the conversion! Bethany leads 22 to 21.

    Sam: That’s not the only thing they converted. It looks like Sven is headed back to Bethany’s sideline.

    Bob: No! Sven! You’re a warrior! Come back! Come back!

    Sam: Oh… is da widdle asatwoo a kwistjun now?

    Bob: [ignoring Sam] Fourth quarter… 1:22 left on the clock. Bethany sends a deep booming kick into Salem’s end zone. Wait… who is that returning the kick? Long hair… curves… It’s Artemis! Those Bethany defenders don’t know who they have coming at them!

    Sam: If she turns anyone into a stag and they don’t call a penalty, I’ll protest!

    Bob: Artemis fields the ball deep in her own end zone. She’s bringing it out! She’s at the five, at the ten… breaks a tackle… to the fifteen, the twenty… she’s on the sideline with room to run… Does anyone hear trumpets? Are those angels over there? OHMIGOD WHAT WAS THAT FLASH OF LIGHT?!?!??!

    Sam: Where did all of Bethany’s players go? Where are their fans?

    Bob: Looks like its the Rapture… Artemis is left with a field empty of defenders… She’s at the fifty… the forty… the twenty…Touchdown!! Salem’s ahead by five with Bethany nowhere in sight!

    Sam: Judgement Day… It can’t be Judgement Day…

    Bob: Looks like the refs are talking this one over. The clock is stopped with fifty-eight seconds left to play. The Bethany Baptists are nowhere in sight and the Salem Witches lead 27 – 22. Here’s the official ruling…That’s game! The Bethany Baptists forfeit the game and the Salem Witches win, 27 – 22!

    Sam: [still bemoaning his fate] Judgement Day… It was Judgement Day and no one came to get me! It can’t be Judgement Day! Why? Why, Bob? Why?

    Bob: Don’t know, Sam. It’s your system of belief, not mine. You’re welcome to hang out with us Pagans.

    Sam: Dear GOD! It was Judgement Day and they sent me to Hell! This is Hell, isn’t it Bob?

    Bob: [thinking of being the only Pagan that Sam knows] Only for me, Sam. Only for me.

  22. Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?

    A: Scream of Wheat!

  23. I love that suicide pumpkin myiq!!

  24. Ari: Write a letter to the Secretary of State

  25. Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car.
    They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
    Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
    “Quick, quick!!” shouts the first nun “What shall I do?”
    “Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination.” shouts the second.
    The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
    “What shall I do now?” shouts the first nun.
    “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!” says the second.
    Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
    “Now what?” screams the first nun. “Show him your cross!” says the second.
    So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
    “GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!!”

  26. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
    “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”

  27. Knock Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Boo!
    Boo Who?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Aw, don’t cry — Obama’s going lose on Tuesday.

  28. What goes “Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!”

    A monster laughing his head off

  29. Knock Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Boo!
    Boo Who?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Aw, don’t cry — Obama’s going get his a$$ handed to him on Tuesday.

  30. Q: Why did MyIq buy a plasma teevee?

    A: In case he ran out of O negativity.

  31. Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

    10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

    9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

    8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

    7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

    6. Person you are with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else, you already are.

    5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.

    4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you’re kinky.

    3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

    2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

    1. If you don’t get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

  32. How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?

    With a pumpkin patch.

  33. There are also people in the audience with t-shirts that read (in big letters):

    OBAMA SUCKS

  34. Happy Halloween Puma Pals!

    Now don’t you go talking about spooks or you are all r@cist! 😉

  35. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?

    Pumpkin pi.

    Afrocity – i’m giggling my ass off over here!

  36. The Top 10 Houses to AVOID while Trick-or Treating

    1. Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.

    2. Any house made of food.

    3. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.

    4. Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.

    5. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.

    6. Any house that growls “get out.”

    7. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.

    8. Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the

    ground.

    9. Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard

    of people in odd “running away” poses.

    10. Any house that wasn’t there only a minute ago…

  37. Serious stuff!

    come on, delete me — I dare ya!

  38. Knock Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Honeycomb
    Honeycomb Who?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Honey, comb your hair!

  39. Why do vampires need mouthwash?

    They have bat breath…

  40. What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?

    Bloodhounds…

  41. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?

    Ghoul-aid!

  42. Halloween Rocky

    One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky”, in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

    “Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

    “Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight, too.”

  43. You know you are too old to go trick or treating when you’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 😀

  44. Trick or Treating by Astrological Sign

    #Aries runs faster to get to the door first.

    # Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

    # Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

    # Cancer stays at home and cooks goodies to the other trick-or-treaters

    # Leo plans their costume for months, then won’t go out because someone else had the same idea.

    # Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they’re a bookkeeper.

    # Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

    # Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.

    # Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

    # Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

    # Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

    # Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon

  45. OOO, Look at this groovy trick or treating map that the Obama campaign sent out. Sure to meet up with some ghouls and goblins.

  46. Pfeeeew! Good one, afrocity.

  47. P on the floor! We need a mop.

  48. Tr0ll clean up at 6:41 myiq2xu!

  49. Eeew, someone “P”d on me – get it?

  50. Costume pun I found

    This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
    “What on earth are you?” asks the host.
    “I’m a slimy snail,” says the guy.
    “But… you have a girl on your back,” replies the host.
    “Yeah, he says, “that’s Michelle!”

  51. Swanie — loved the astrology signs!

  52. ooh, he’s good … it was zapped into byte Hell

  53. See, now how come the spam filter didn’t block P with the C word?

  54. P is very needy.

  55. P is showing his ass again.

  56. True Story
    When I was a crew dispatcher in Phila, one of the crew bases I called was Newark Del,
    When they say they are in the back 40 they are,
    We had orders that anyone who wanted to mark off had to call the train master, The trainmaster usually took his phone off the hook so they could not get thru.
    One man called me and said he wanted off to take his jackass to a show and sell it.
    I took such a fit of laughing and told him if he wanted to go and peddle his ass I would give him off.
    That had to be one of the best excuses for marking off I ever heard.

    COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY ALWAYS

    PUMAS,BUBBAS, AND THOSE PEOPLE RULE

  57. clean up 6:43

  58. I think it it would be hilarious if all Obot trolls on my threadfs between now and election day find themselves saying

    “VOTE FOR McCAIN/PALIN”

  59. Jason is bemoaning the fact that he can’t get laid at 6:44

  60. Heh, heh, the Obama camp must be worried – sending in the professionals on Halloween.

  61. Thomas another jerk off at 6:45

  62. myiq2xu, on October 31st, 2008 at 6:45 pm Said:
    I think it it would be hilarious if all Obot trolls on my threadfs between now and election day find themselves saying
    “VOTE FOR McCAIN/PALIN”

    ROTFLMFAO!

  63. Afrocity, I wouldn’t want to go trick or treating in that neighborhood !!! too SCARY

  64. Jason forgot his meds – AGAIN!

  65. scrubs — these Obot losers have nothing better but spew bile — they are malakas — men who are so pathetic they can’t get a woman so they jerk off all the time.

  66. Lisa, reeks of stupid

  67. Wow – shouldn’t all these children of the corn be out trick or treating?

  68. myiq — you didn’t ask me why I didn’t dress up for Halloween.

  69. ooh myiq – good job on the clean up !

  70. Dee: Children of the Corn 😀

  71. Lisa the loser needs an escort at 6:49

  72. I See Obamabots

  73. Runa — myiq is good at everything.

  74. Do tr0lls get paid in candy on holloween and what kind of candy do they have in Gaza?

    They really must be scared to come here today.

    COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY ALWAYS

    PUMAS,BUBBAS AND THOSE PEOPLE RULE

  75. I smell the kool aid on Tina

  76. Obots are needy, very needy. Obama “fulfills” them.

  77. jvsp — so true — if they could think for themselves, they wouldn’t need a fraud like Obama to “fulfill” their pathetic lives.

  78. I would think that the Obamabots would be busy tonight. It must take an awful lot of Kool Aid packets to fill up that witches cauldron.

  79. I know we aren’t supposed to get serious but….here’s some Deep Thoughts, especially for you myiq2xu!

    To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

    You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

    Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

    Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we don’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?

    If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, “Forgive me, but that’s just too much.”

  80. “I see stupid Obots , Walking around like regular people. They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re stupid ”
    – — with apologies to M. Night Shyamalan

  81. The Messiah — look guys, we have BO himself here tonight. Nice to see you BO, now f*ck off you selfish pr!ck.

  82. If you’re gonna say something about the troll (it’s just one person) make it funny or your comment goes too

  83. Thomas — at least we’ve had sex. But don’t worry, if BO wins we will all be fucked — but mostly you, because you actually “fell” for him

  84. jvsp — you are wasting your time — they can’t THINK.

  85. A man and a woman are at a cabin in the snowy mountains on their honeymoon. The cabin is cold so the man goes outside to gather some wood. . .

    N/M, that one is probably inappropriate.

  86. Is Damien Thorn really the anti-Christ or was he just a crazy, rambunctious kid?

  87. myiq — why did you delete my last post?

  88. I dunno….I can’t get too excited about pumpkin gore on Halloween. I’ve had much gorier decorations up. It’s like the guy with the ax in his head mask.

    BTW — LOVE the Pumpkin Butt. Wish my cheeks were that firm!

  89. Happy Halloween everyone.

    My battery is about to die, but just wanted everyone to be safe tonight. Watch out for the rabid, vicious Obama trolls that are on the streets out there. Take along a fellow PUMA if you’re going out tonight. Take some mace too.

    Have a fun holiday!

  90. my last post got deleted too

  91. I give up

  92. angienc
    It’s the neediness, their neediness, that is so troubling.

    My pup is besides himself with the trick-or-treaters. A little kid came to the door with her parents dressed as a bunny. The 100+ lbs rotty was very “interested”…. heh heh

  93. why was 6 afraid of 7?

    because 789 bwahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  94. Q. Why doesn’t Obama drink Pepsi?
    A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

  95. myiq — give up what? don’t get upset over anything. Ok, since you didn’t ask me — I didn’t wear a Halloween costume tonight because I’m an attorney — that’s SCARY enough!!! 🙂 Now, didn’t that make you smile?

  96. gary — I like that one!

  97. afrocity — LMAO!!

  98. Like any seasoned Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetery to register voters.

    One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn’t make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, “This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!”

  99. Maybe it isn’t koo-aid after all.
    http://www.aapsonline.org/newsoftheday/0089

    Is Barack Obama a brilliant orator, captivating millions through his eloquence? Or is he deliberately using the techniques of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), a covert form of hypnosis developed by Milton Erickson, M.D.?

    A fundamental tool of “conversational hypnosis” is pacing and leading—a way for the hypnotist to bypass the listener’s critical faculty by associating repeated statements that are unquestionably accurate with the message he wants to convey.

    In his Denver acceptance speech, Obama used the phrases “that’s why I stand here tonight,” “now is the time,” and “this moment” 14 times. Paces are connected to the lead by words such as “and,” “as,” “because,” or “that is why.” For example, “we need change” (who could disagree?)…and…that is why I will be your next President.”

    Techniques of trance induction include extra slow speech, rhythm, tonalities, vagueness, visual imagery, metaphor, and raising of emotion. Hypnotists often have patients count. In a speech after the primaries closed, Obama said: “Sixteen months have passed (paused)…Thousands (pause) of miles…(pause)…Millions of voices….”

    Hypnotists call this a distraction technique: sending the dominant hemisphere on an assignment involving linguistic processes, thus opening the nondominant hemisphere to suggestion.

    Hypnotists call this a distraction technique: sending the dominant hemisphere on an assignment involving linguistic processes, thus opening the nondominant hemisphere to suggestion.

    Hand gestures can be used as hypnotic anchors, or to aid in hypnotic command implantation. They can be difficult to distinguish from innocent gestures used for emphasis. Obama, however, uses some gestures extraordinarily often and for very specific words such as “believe” and “chose.” His characteristic thumb-and-forefinger gesture looks like a hand holding a pencil—as if you were in a voting booth. The gesture of pointing sends the subconscious message that a person in authority is giving a command

  100. I don’t know, Joule, there have been some recent Obama converts because of Palin hatin’, not because they like Obama.

  101. I just did something I have never done before.

    It has been dark for about an hour and I have had several groups of cute kids (w/parents) at my door. I love this holiday. A moment ago someone almost knocked the door in banging so hard. I opened it with basket of candy in hand to see three boys – all over six feet tall. I asked them how old they were and they would not answer? I noticed two mothers with little ones out at the curb waiting their turn.

    I told the 20s something they were too old to be out trick or treating and I would not give them any candy. I walked off the porch and down to the street to talk with the little ones.

    What is the appropriate age to stop trick or treating?

  102. Joule, I heard that he uses homeopathy too. Like when Bill O’reily interviewed BO. The camera crew said that he smells like vanilla cookies which has a calming effect.

    I don’t think it would work on me. Obama may smell like cookies but I still think he is a crumb.

  103. Oooops. Premature submission.

    But many folks don’t listen to Obama or watch him, but still fell pretty hard for the anti-Palin smears. Not really anything to do with hypnotism in at least those cases.

  104. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!

    My costume is my PUMA cub when she was 3 months old – hope it shows up!

  105. There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk – the ghost which “lived” there was feared by all.

    However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains, etc. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

    The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

    So what’s the moral of the story?

    The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

  106. afrocity — LMAO — he is a crumb alright!
    btw y’all — afrocity is the only one following the rules.

  107. Dee, I would say never.

  108. Yay!!! My PUMA Cub Avatar costume showed up! Ain’t she CUTE????

    GXM, that THAT for a cute baby!

  109. AWWWWW SM!!! she’s adorable!!!

  110. sm77 — she is darling!

  111. Oh damn – I gotta bring a Halloween joke –

    Uh, are R rated ones accepted??

  112. sm77 – truly precious

  113. Dee, any kid over 12 is looking more for tricks than treats…If they’re old enough to not have their parents with them, they’re too old to be trick or treating.

  114. I don’t know why they would hate Palin. She is more like middle America than anyone on the ticket and with more executive experience than anyone as well.

    I think the hating is because she has threatened their victory dance more than anything.

    I wish I had money for a gun and ammo for protection purposes! I wish I had the funds to stock up on food. But as the wife of an entrepreneur, we rely solely on ourselves to pay our bills. The stock market action has not helped with funding our company and the bond market (we are hoping to sell a bond on the European market for financing) looks bad too.

    It’s too bad, because our business has to do with energy and energy conservation.

  115. Obama claims this is the first Halloween that he has not gone trick or treating with his daughters. So why couldn’t he have done what Palin did and trick or treated in what ever town he was campaigning in? No creativity.

    Besides who wants to trick or treat when you live next door to Rezko and two blocks from Ayers and Farrakhan?

    Jesus why would you want to put your kids around these people? Amazing

  116. LMAO afrocity!! I bet they don’t even go trick or treating — just like they don’t “do” birthdays or Christmas presents.

  117. She’s really cute, sm – but now, to follow the rules, I am going to have to make a joke about her……..

    Oh, come ON, myiq – this shouldn’t count. How can I compliment sm on her gorgeous genetics and make a joke about it at the same time?

    Almost like you think I’m smart or something.

  118. Why can’t witches have babies?

    Because warlocks have crystal balls!

  119. Obama claims this is the first Halloween that he has not gone trick or treating with his daughters. So why couldn’t he have done what Palin did and trick or treated in what ever town he was campaigning in? No creativity.

    One of the best canvassing experiences I had was on Halloween night in ’04. Kids were coming up to us and asking for stickers or other propaganda. It was almost free advertising. Of course, its hard to look at canvassing roll sheets in the dark. But it was a lot of fun. I won’t say what the extremely awkward situation that night was, though.

  120. Gary & Angie – I picked that one because she’s growling like a PUMA in that picture!

    OK – here’s one:

    Q: Why don’t witches wear panties?

    A: So they can get a better grip on the broom!

  121. scrubs — I think myiq got frustrated at us & stormed out. His costume for tonight is perfect. 🙂

  122. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
    Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
    He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
    “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
    Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the
    other bats excitedly milled around him.
    “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
    “Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
    “Good,” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t.”

  123. ew! sm77! that joke grossed me out!

  124. SM – She’s a doll! 🙂

  125. Here’s a joke: Obama’s latest definition of the middle class, via Richardson:

    http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/10/31/low-richardson-pegs-middle-class-making/

    Awww, myiq, come back – this thread is fun.

  126. Two muffins are getting baked in the oven. The first one says: “Dude, it’s frickin hot in here, we’re getting baked!”. The second one replies: “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

  127. Did you see this???

    October 31, 2008
    Huff Po Needs Election Reporter, Pronto
    Randall Hoven
    The writer who was tapped to cover the election for the Huffington Post probably won’t be able to make the gig. The HuffPo reporter-to-be, Carol Anne Burger, stabbed her lesbian ex-lover 222 times with a screwdriver.

    I guess this doesn’t totally rule out her writing for the Huffington Post, but I’m thinking Ms. Burger will be otherwise occupied during the remainder of this election cycle.

    The HuffPo better check its office coffee pot to make sure it’s damn well caffeinated. I’m not so sure Ms. Burger was the only one ready to blow.

  128. Gary, that was sexy! (growl)

  129. Dude, afrocity – that’s pretty morbid.

  130. Q. Why doesn’t the Church of Obama Messiah light candles?

    A. Obama wants to keep his followers in the dark.

  131. Thank you Edwardian & Scrubs57!

    She’ll be 11 in December – fierce Sagitarrian fire PUMA cub.

  132. Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
    A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

  133. angie, LOL!!!

  134. I have been invaded by adolescent girls. Save me!!!

    In the meantime, enjoy this video memorandum from the Zombies.
    Re: Your Brains.

  135. A clown and a little boy are walking across a graveyard late one night. The little boy starts crying.

    “Why are you crying” the clown asks.

    “Cuz it’s dark and cold and I’m scared” says the boy.

    “What are you complaining about?” says the clown. “I have to walk back to town all alone!”

  136. afrocity — you topped yourself with that one! LMAO

  137. A man walks towards his home on a foggy Halloween night
    when behind him he hears
    BUMP BUMP BUMP
    He starts walking faster and as he looks behind him through the fog he sees an image of a upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
    BUMP BUMP BUMP
    Terrified the man runs to his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him ….faster … faster… Bump Bump Bump
    The man reaches his door, fumbles with his keys gets inside the house and slams and locks the door …but the casket crashes through the door with the lid of the casket clapping clap Bump Clap Bump
    The man runs rushes upstairs with the casket at his heels. He locks himself in the bathroom ……
    His heart pounding …..
    His head reeling …..
    His breath coming in gasps ……
    With a CRASH the casket breaks down the door bumping and clapping towards him!
    The man screams and reaches for something…anything
    but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup. Desperate, the man throws the cough syrup at the casket

    And…..

    the coffin stops.

  138. An old couple get a knock at the door and see a little four year old standing there “Twick or Tweat. So the old lady says “Aw aint she cute?” and drops in apple into the bag.

    The girl looks up and says “Thanks a lot lady you broke my f**ing cookies!

  139. yay!!! myiq is back!! Don’t make me sad like that again. 😦

    Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

    A. Because that would be r@cist.

  140. That was funny Ann

  141. A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

    She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new chick that had just arrived.

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a “quickie.”

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

    Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

    He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

    When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

    But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…….”

  142. Do you know the sure sign that Obama is the Messiah?

    He raises voters from the dead.

  143. angienc, on October 31st, 2008 at 7:32 pm Said:
    yay!!! myiq is back!! Don’t make me sad like that again.

    Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

    A. Because that would be r@cist.

    THAT is funny LOL and sad o well…

  144. sm77 — you are bad! LOL

  145. Obama and John McCain in are in a lifeboat, lost at sea. Unfortunately, they have a boatload of Acorns but only have enough drinking water for one person. The two of them decide to vote to determine who should get the water. They vote, and Obama wins 1,000,986 to 1.

  146. swanie — I find the funniest things are sad too.

  147. MYIQ: Now THAT is a cute baby picture!

  148. Q: What did the Palin pumpkin say to the Obama pumpkin?

    A: Sure beats hangin’!

    BTW, you guys are funny!

  149. In Chicago politics, if you’re losing, you can always go dig up a couple more votes.

  150. Test. My posts aren’t showing up.

  151. Wierd. I think I will leave for a while.

  152. Afrocity: LOL!!!!! You are on a roll!

  153. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
    With scare spray…

  154. A six year old kid named Bobby has a speech impediment, where he starts his words with the letter B. He is getting ready to go out on his first Halloween.

    MOM: What do you want to be for Halloween this year Bobby?

    BOBBY: Bi Banna Be a Birate?

    MOM: A pirate, thats cute, I’ll get you the costume.
    So she gets him the costume and he rings the door bell of an old lady.

    BOBBY: Bick or Beat!!!

    OLD LADY: Whats that you say?

    BOBBY: Bick or Beat!!!

    OLD LADY: Oh, trick or treat, isnt that cute, well what are you supposed to be little boy?

    BOBBY: Bim a Birate!

    OLD LADY: ?????? oh I get it your a Pirate.

    The old lady goes to hand him some candy but decides she wants to be funny and mess with the kid a little bit.

    OLD LADY: If your a Pirate then where are all your buccaneers? Aren’t pirates supposed to have buccaneers?

    BOBBY: (Really Mad and grabbing his Ears) Look lady, here are my buckin ears now give me some mother-buckin candy!!!

  155. A bear & a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The Bear turns to the rabbit and says:
    “Do you have a problem with sh!t sticking to your fur?”
    “No” said the rabbit.
    So the bear picks up the rabbit & wipes his a$$ with him.

  156. SM – she is a cutie!

    Myiq is that you? You were adorable – what happened? 🙄

    What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
    A fur coat that fangs around your neck…
    🙂

  157. Afrocity: LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

  158. A married woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office to have a vagina placed on her hip.

    The surgeon asks what her what for.

    The woman says, “So I can have sex on the side.”

  159. “jouie”
    I heard that doctor on a NYC radio show……..WOW!
    I remember during the primaries everyone saying, you gotta go to a rally. I though “WHY” I have managed to do just fine voting for about 30yrs by using other means. I need to see my candidates “UN-SCRIPTED”.
    So I guess the MSM will claim they’ve been HYPNOTIZED!!!

  160. Why is money called dough?

    Because we all knead it.

  161. tpt/ny

    You are RESISTANT TO CHANGE!!!

    I wil be the CHANGE YOU ARE SEEKING

  162. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend! Ta da!
    👿

  163. where did the boat go when it got sick?

    the dock.

  164. I leave for 5 minutes and you all become children of the corn, corny jokes that is 🙂

  165. Joanelle — I liked that one!

  166. Okay guys, you know that Huff post woman that I just told you about that stabbed her lesbian liver 222 times. The one that was supposed to cover the election. She just committed suicide. WTF?

  167. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

    Because that would be racist.

  168. Well, Gary, since it was halloween today, I put some Booberries on my CORN flakes today!

  169. Afrocity, is that a true story?

  170. Afrocity – good grief! :surprise:

  171. Afrocity – 222 times????

  172. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
    A. Add vibrato.

    Q. What’s the range of a bagpipe?
    A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

    Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
    A. Put it in a bagpipe case.

    Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
    A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

  173. RD – lolololol

  174. The police in my town found a man drowned in a bowl of cornflakes.

    The think it was a cereal killer

  175. Obama: Knock, knock.

    You: Who’s there?

    Obama: Barack.

    You: Barack who?

    Obama: Oh c’mon, it’s only been four years!

  176. RD:

    That last one was really baaad

  177. afrocity — wtf is right — it would have been more “normal” if she had committed suicide right after she killer her lover. Why wasn’t she on suicide watch anyway. And, in the spirit of the thread:

    Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

    George: “I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years”

    Herman: “Hmm. I killed a man, and I’m here for 3 days”

    George: “*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???”

    Herman: “Yeah, it was a lawyer.”

  178. myiq — lol at the cereal killer — one year for halloween my brother dressed up as one — a box of cereal taped to his chest with a knife sticking out of it.

  179. Sorry guys, I was making Kraft mac & cheese

    Yes it is a true story about the huff post

  180. afrocity — I read that story too.

  181. Ok — I am getting ready to go out for a while. You guys have been really fun. I’ll probably check in when I get home with the ‘late night crowd.”
    myiq — thanks for starting this thread it was fun (and your baby picture is almost as cute as your picture yesterday).

  182. My kid is the Grim Reaper this year. He greeted his father at the door in full costume.
    “AAAAH!”
    “Sorry, dear,” I said, “it’s your time to go. Been nice knowin’ ya, but yer number’s up.”

  183. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

    The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

  184. afrocity, I used to live in Hyde Park. Actually the 5700/5800 blocks of South Harper are pretty amazing for trick or treating. All the owners of the Victorian homes there really deck out the houses and greet crowds from all over the South Side. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

  185. In honor of the Phillies:

    Two old baseball players are together in a retirement home. The argue about whether there will be baseball in Heaven.

    The first one says that Heaven will be an unearthly paradise where everyone will put aside earthly pursuits. The other one says it can’t be paradise if there is no baseball. So they make a pact that the first one to die will find a way to come back and tell the other whether there is baseball in heaven or not.

    Finally, one of the men dies. A few months later the other is awakened to find the ghost of his friend standing by his bed.

    “What are you doing here? he asks the ghost. “Did you come to keep our pact?”

    “Yes” says the ghost. “But I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is baseball in Heaven. God is a huge baseball fan, and we have lots of teams filled with all the stars in history.”

    “That’s wonderful!” says the man. “What’s the bad news?”

    “You’re starting tommorrow.”

  186. myiq- is that you or one of your victims?

  187. That’s my grandson #1 costume

  188. There was this Taxi Cab Driver driving down the street when the Fare in the back tapped him on the shoulder:
    The Driver let out a Blood curding Scream, almost ran over a kid on a bike, nearly hitting a fire hydrant and ran up on to the sidewalk.
    The Fare in the back said, “Oh !! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”
    The Taxi Cab Driver said, “Oh, no I’m the one who should be sorry. I drove a hearse for 25 years.”

  189. Awww, he’s adorable!

  190. curdling not curding

    sorry

  191. OMG – MYIQ – WHAT A CUUUUUUTE BABY!!!

    He’s like a mini-Robert Redford!

  192. After the election, our job will just get started. No matter which one of these 2 bozos wins, there will be a lot of work to do.

    The marching orders are here (via The Black Agenda Report)

  193. A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

  194. I wish I was tech savvy enough to post my 6ft, 1in son’s newborn photo on here. He was sooo cute, but gigantic- 10 1/2 lbs. at birth- they heard me scream all the way through the hospital.

  195. This is long, but I love this poem. It’s by Charles Causley, and it’s Halloweeny.

    Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast
    Bought an old castle complete with a ghost,
    But someone or other forgot to declare
    To Colonel Fazak that the spectre was there.

    On the very first evening, while waiting to dine,
    The Colonel was taking a fine sherry wine,
    When the ghost, with a furious flash and a flare,
    Shot out of the chimney and shivered, ‘Beware!’

    Colonel Fazackerley put down his glass
    And said, ‘My dear fellow, that’s really first class!
    I just can’t conceive how you do it at all.
    I imagine you’re going to a Fancy Dress Ball?’

    At this, the dread ghost made a withering cry.
    Said the Colonel (his monocle firm in his eye),
    ‘Now just how you do it, I wish I could think.
    Do sit down and tell me, and please have a drink.’

    The ghost in his phosphorous cloak gave a roar
    And floated about between ceiling and floor.
    He walked through a wall and returned through a pane
    And backed up the chimney and came down again.

    Said the Colonel, ‘With laughter I’m feeling quite weak!’
    (As trickles of merriment ran down his cheek).
    ‘My house-warming party I hope you won’t spurn.
    You MUST say you’ll come and you’ll give us a turn!’

    At this, the poor spectre – quite out of his wits –
    Proceeded to shake himself almost to bits.
    He rattled his chains and he clattered his bones
    And he filled the whole castle with mumbles and moans.

    But Colonel Fazackerley, just as before,
    Was simply delighted and called out, ‘Encore!’
    At which the ghost vanished, his efforts in vain,
    And never was seen at the castle again.

    ‘Oh dear, what a pity!’ said Colonel Fazak.
    ‘I don’t know his name, so I can’t call him back.’
    And then with a smile that was hard to define,
    Colonel Fazackerley went in to dine.

  196. It’s not a Halloween joke but here goes:

    Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are standing before God on their last day. The Lord asked each one what they had done with their lives. The answers would determine their place in Heaven.

    John McCain steps forward and says, “Lord, I’ve done my best to serve my country, first in the Navy and then in the Senate. I hope my deeds speak well for me.”

    The Lord replies, “John, you have been an honorable servant of mine. You may sit here at my left hand.”

    Hillary steps forward and says, “Lord, I have worked tirelessly my entire life for the little guy. I tried hard to ensure the working class had a chance to live a better life.”

    The Lord replies, “Hillary, my daughter, you are truly an inspiration. Many lives are better because of you. You may sit here at my right hand.

    Then Barack Obama steps forward. But before God can get a word out Obama says, “Lord, you’re in my seat.”

  197. Thanks for the laughs. I needed them.

  198. Fredster — you hit the nail on the head with Bad Things by Jace Everett! I LOVE that song — I had never heard it though until this year when True Blood on HBO started — it plays on the opening credits. Here is a link:

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