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Something Tells Me I’d Better Get Used To Exile

Note: To the late-nighters. This makes absolutely no sense, I know. I just wrote it. Feel free to ignore it.

I had the funny experience tonight of being locked out of a post. It wasn’t intentional and I have no reason to believe anything other than crappy Vista is at fault but for the 45 minutes it took for me to get the attention of the usual suspects and bring the Party to the only room I could get to, I felt a little bit panicked and very alone.  Here’s  why:

These last 11 months I’ve dedicated myself pretty solely to one goal and that goal was to see Hillary Rodham Clinton become President of the United States. I don’t need to give you the long narrative. You’ve read it from me once or four times; you could probably ghost-write my story under power of hypnosis. I won’t bore you with that.  I will say what it’s done to me though.

Because of the sheer anxiety of this election, I lost 15 lbs.  Don’t misunderstand me, I was glad to see them go. I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was 5 and this was the first step in a positive direction I’ve ever taken but I don’t think the doctor wanted me to lose them like this.  Any day of the week, these many months you could find me screaming at my television; pacing the length of my hallway; or tapping away at my keyboard for one partisan, single-minded cause.  It was sunrise to sunset to sunrise again. I’ve never had much use for sleep and I learned how to function on even less during the Democratic Primary.

I also learned how to function on high-blood pressure and a racing heart.  Not a day went buy that I wouldn’t sit in my class in abject terror that the election was going to come up. It was all over the radio waves and the television broadcasts. It was all over the internet. There was no escaping it; and who was I to want to escape it? I lived for this election. And yet, at the same time, I dreaded having to face my friends and call them wrong, to face my teachers–some of whom have choice words for me now that they know where I stand–and call them ill-informed, though they were.  I used to shake in my seat like a leaf, or maybe that was just my heart. I knew I was in the minority of my senior class to prefer Hillary and I wasn’t so bothered by that. It was the stories that bothered me, the stories I’d read nationwide over how people had been treated for voicing their decision to support the competent woman over the lackluster man. Maybe I feared that one of those events would befall me. Sometimes, like now, I still do.

And yet, shutting up has never really been a strong suit of mine. I can’t do it. People around me know I can’t do it. In fact, when a subject close to my heart comes up, they seem to freeze up themselves as they as slowly cast their eyes in my direction to see what I will do.  Over the last year, Hillary Clinton has become such a subject.  When the primary was afoot here in Texas, ABC 13 decided to do a special on first-time voters from Houston-Area schools. (I wish the link still worked but unfortunately it seems to have expired.) As a rather outspoken advocate of Hillary’s, I was asked to speak on behalf of my school, along with students from other well-established school here. I spoke at length about how their plans differed, about how the media was biased, about how it mattered who we elected. I got a standing ovation even though I felt like I was going to pass out inside. I thought, here’s my chance to do some of the good that Hillary has done. I can finally start returning a lifetime of favors. If only my gratitude hadn’t ended up on the cutting room floor.

I saw the clips many, many times over the course of the next few weeks. You could say I was something of a celebrity at my school, having made it to network television three times in 4 months.  That was nice, but what wasn’t nice was what was lost in the final edit of my appearance. I was reduced to a “tearful” moment and a rather angry soundbite.  That should have prepared me for an ordeal of lost context, but it didn’t.  I was just glad Hillary won my state anyway. I was there that night, at the caucus, watching abnormalities take place, watching and not f-ing tolerating the bullying that was happening in the sanctuary of a local church. I was sitting next to my father and his new wife, my grandparents were on the other side of them and I just knew that in this place of all places, we were totally alone. It wasn’t a new feeling; even in the familiar halls of my school I was wary of wearing the three or four pins that made my preference clear. The hostility wasn’t outright but it was there.  In the chapel, it wasn’t even stifled.

I further sat and watched as the Precinct Chair was about to let the lot of the group leave without counting out the delegates or verifying a thing. If I hadn’t been there our precinct wouldn’t have gotten any delegates at all because no one knew  how many we were supposed to have. No one knew the math. I did.  They didn’t trust me; I threatened to let them all lose their delegates.  They left me be–for a while. When things got too complex someone tried to give Obama all of 20 delegates from our precinct. I wasn’t having it and neither was my father, who, for once, was actually there to come to my defense.  Hillary walked away with 2 delegates, Barack with 18.  They never let me see the verified registration–which an eight-year old was gleefully assisting in as I was leaving the chapel. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a more acute sense of indignation than I did that night. Old women, hispanic women, middle-aged black men, all 12 of us sat in the choir stands to show our support of Hillary. We didn’t deserve the loathing we had directed at us. We had all come for one purpose and that purpose was not to elect Barack Obama, contrary to what the other 186 folks in attendance seemed to believe.

That wasn’t the worst of what it felt like to be a minor force in the face of something terrible and great in size. Please, don’t ask me about the County Convention at TSU. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I can’t even think about it without crying.  Never had I watched Democracy be trampled by the very people who claimed to desperately need it–but I got used to watching it, and watching it again.  It got so bad that I literally had to abandon my place with my precinct to get away from the heckling. Adults! were heckling like they’d never had a lesson in good manners in their lives. All they talked about was what Sheila Jackson-Lee needed to do to get back in their good graces, like she’d have them–and like they’d have her if she tried.  They were merciless and it hurt so bad because I knew some of these people. My mother had grown up with them and they’d claimed to know me. That didn’t stop them from insulting her to my face or me.  These were the people we’d struggled alongside, the bastards, and they were drawing their own soup lines.  I’d never felt so lonely in my life…I walked away a County Alternate.

I didn’t make it to Austin and with they had Chelsea saying by then, I’m glad I didn’t.  I was heartsick for a number of reasons. I didn’t need to see one up close.  We all know what happened in Denver.  And where was I? My first night in my dorm away from home, reading up on everything that was happening, trying very hard not feel like every dream I’d had over those prior months was a cruel trick being played by some bastardly higher  power.  There she went again–Democracy on Vacation.

In the days that followed, I couldn’t hide from Election Coverage no matter how I tried. Boy, did I try! I hid in my dorm and refused most invitations to go out. I couldn’t bear to see the Party’s “nominee” splashed over every surface, tasteful and otherwise. There it was, that same old tension from High School. I felt the election all around my like an airborne plague, and the only possible cure had been sent to the incinerator.  I felt burned and burned out. I didn’t want to talk about that and that was all that anyone seemed to talk about. I didn’t go a week without outing myself as an Obama opponent in a study group. For my effort, I learned that Sarah Palin was “domineering”–bad in a woman, commanding in a man!–and that Hillary Clinton was a “psycho bitch.” Unsurprisingly enough, I didn’t learn why.  Democrats good, Republicans bad; I learned that, too.  Mainly, I learned that, in my generation, we learn what our parents teach us, but that sometimes our teachers are idiots.

Means the outcome shouldn’t be so surprising to me. Sigh. Sometimes I just can’t stop hoping that we’ll wake up. We have a certain cruelty to our age that chills me. We talk about about John McCain’s facial scars with such a cutting casualty that I wonder exactly who we are when we’re not mocking him.  He dares to smile and we pointedly grimace as if his bouts with war, fire, and cancer have exempted him from the right to show joy.  Who are we between moments like that? I don’t know but I keep daring to ask in the expectation that someone will finally have to ask himself or herself that same question.

It came up in class just last week. It was Thursday, the day after the debate. The class was Human Situation and our rather politically-incorrect teacher had to ask. The fairly handsome Latino fellow to my right made a mocking remark about how McCain seemed hurt that Obama didn’t defend him against Lewis’ off-color remarks equating his campaign with something George Wallace would partake in. All the weeks of me saying nothing when the topic of demagogues and democracies in name only came to a head and I just could not stop it. I could not take one more moment of the bullshit talking point that every and all persons must defend Barack Obama but cannot be defended in turn. I raised my voice, I lost my temper, I wagged my finger. I said what I needed to. They were silent when I was done.  The man sitting beside me had this to say, “But he doesn’t work for Obama, right, because that’s what he said.” And me, I scoffed and told him that it was the same damned excuse, different damned perpetrator.  The professor said, let’s move on, and we did.

I have no regrets about speaking my mind then or on any other occasion where I might have the chance. I’ll take the increased respiration, the cold sweats. I don’t mind that in spite of my discomfort.  The sign on my window that says “Hillary for President” went up yesterday.  She’s my choice whoever I pick next. My McPalin t-shirt arrived at home today along with the buttons I ordered. I imagine it won’t be long before they join my “Women for Hillary” and “Clinton-Gore for New Leadership” pins on my backpack.  This place is Obama Central, and admittedly I live in fear and anticipation of the day someone says something to me about the decision I’ve so clearly made.  Will I choke and shrug like I’ve never had an original thought in my life? Will I invoke the Wonk I know so well and tell them why they have no right to question me any more than Barack Obama has the right to be President?

I don’t know what I will do, only what I’ve done. I still spend countless nights tossing and turning over what should’ve been. I confess that I still cry.  I still hide from the television in the dining hall that blares CNN at all hours of the day. I haven’t got the stomach for it or the stomach for what the others have to say. I don’t have the stomach for so many people to be so blithely wrong. I run down, pack my meal, and run back to my dorm where it’s safe.  Here, I don’t have to risk talking about it anymore. Here, I don’t have to make excuses for why Barack Obama is not the man he swears he is and why he really is not the same as Hillary on anything.  Here, I can just wait on pins-and-needles on my own for November 4th to come and go. I’ve hardly made a friend since I got here; I’m too afraid I’ll start to despise them if they’re on the other side or that they’ll start to despise me.  Caring that much is exhausting.  Seclusion is lonely as hell but at least I can say what I want to the people I do talk to. It’s not insanity yet.  But if the November 5th sun rises to the worst of all possibilities, I don’t think it’ll take long.

I miss being who I was: friendly, outspoken, outgoing. I miss caring about other things. I miss being able to attend lectures about Greek Classics without going stiff at the word “politics.”  I miss being able to go outdoors without seeing the “inevitable” Barack “Jesus Christ” Obama emblazoned on every chest and backpack I see.  God, I miss breathing deeply because I just don’t anymore.  It’s insane to be that involved, to care that much, but I do.  This election matters and I just can’t be silent.  And if that’s not healthy, if that’s not safe, I’d rather be neither seen nor heard, if it will really make no difference.

I have a lifetime of debt to repay and I start every day by snapping on a button.

65 Responses

  1. Oh, Reg. You’re so amazing. That’s heartbreaking, but it’s beautiful. You represent the best of this party and what we stand for. The bots and their cruel, thuggish ways are not the future. You are. And everything really is going to work out.

    And don’t worry, next time you go missing, we’re going to start looking immediately. 😉

  2. Oh Regency!!!! You know, I’m just as involved as you, and my friends don’t know where I stand because I won’t tell them.
    I just avoid the subject, because all of my friends are idiots (literally, they’re all really dumb. And a bad influence on me.)… I’m sorry you haven’t made many friends. It must be so lonely.
    I hope you are not so sad all of the time. I am going through a lot myself right now, and politics is only part of it.
    I am sorry, you sound really sad in that post. When my Regency is crushed, I don’t know where to turn.
    😦

  3. Seriously, on October 22nd, 2008 at 4:56 am Said:
    Oh, Reg. You’re so amazing. That’s heartbreaking, but it’s beautiful. You represent the best of this party and what we stand for. The bots and their cruel, thuggish ways are not the future. You are. And everything really is going to work out.
    And don’t worry, next time you go missing, we’re going to start looking immediately.

    Aw, thanks for that Seriously. You’re right. It will all work out. Yeah!!! It will be okay!!!!
    No mare sad face!!! Cheer up!!! Those thugs are not the future, because they represent the worst in people.

  4. I will write a companion post to this Regency. I am still working on my wordpress blog. It is so annoying… I am so technologically inept. It’s reall freaking frustrating me. I have no clue what I’m doing.

  5. You guys are too smart and talented to be sad. You should think about how amazing you are and feel happy. Whatever happens, it’s not the end. We thought we were going to die in 2004, but we survived that. And we will take our party back, or we’ll go on to something better.

  6. Seriously, on October 22nd, 2008 at 5:08 am Said:
    You guys are too smart and talented to be sad. You should think about how amazing you are and feel happy. Whatever happens, it’s not the end. We thought we were going to die in 2004, but we survived that. And we will take our party back, or we’ll go on to something better.

    I guess I am an optimistic person. Despite everything, I still believe in good. I still believe that there is good enough in this world, that bad people, like Bush and Obama, don’t win in the end. Despite every miserable setback, I have still believed that. That conviction has been my guiding light, it is the central part of everything I believe in.
    If the world crashes down around me, I don’t want to end up being cynical. But after the last eight years, and now this stupid election, the light, which once burned bright, might burn out for good. I try not to cry, but I do. And the thought of Regency crying makes my gut twist like something awful.

  7. GRRR!!! Okay, that’s it. No WordPress blog for me.

  8. from someone else not sleeping at this hour …

    ” It “makes perfect sense , and heroines throughout history have ” had to be a minor force in the face of something terrible and great in size ” to make great changes in this world ! What that takes is nothing less than the greatest courage . I so admire and respect you , Regency, since the first time i read any of your words you were brave enough to share your thoughts here on this blog !

    I wish I could somehow allay your feeling and experience of exile . You are far too intelligent and fiercely independent to follow the mass mentality .

    You will not be staying home and baking cookies !!
    sending love and HUGS

  9. Where are you Regency????

  10. I think this election proved that it’s right to believe in good. For all the ugliness, there have been so many people who pushed back, who wouldn’t stand for fraud in their caucus, who stood up even though there was a lot of risk involved. The Obots provided an example for people of who they don’t want to be. It’s scary, but it’s also hopeful. And you’re still those same hopeful, optimistic, outgoing people. I know how much it hurts, but the insanity will be over soon. People are going to come back to reality, even if it’s a long process.

  11. Seriously, on October 22nd, 2008 at 5:22 am Said:
    I think this election proved that it’s right to believe in good. For all the ugliness, there have been so many people who pushed back, who wouldn’t stand for fraud in their caucus, who stood up even though there was a lot of risk involved. The Obots provided an example for people of who they don’t want to be. It’s scary, but it’s also hopeful. And you’re still those same hopeful, optimistic, outgoing people. I know how much it hurts, but the insanity will be over soon. People are going to come back to reality, even if it’s a long process.

    Goddess, I just cannot take it anymore. AAAAHHHH!!!!
    (sigh)
    Okay, I need something to cheer me up now:

    http://hillbuzz.wordpress.com/2008/10/20/action-something-you-can-do-to-ruin-obamas-kool-aid-festival/

    There we go.
    Hillbuzz has the right idea.

  12. I’m here. Sorry, I had to go redecorate my blog. It now features both Hillary and Sarah. There’s room in my life for both.

    Thanks for looking out for me, you guys. We’ll get through this but some days it doesn’t feel like that.

  13. Regency – get your self to bed and go to sleep. You are too young to be up all night fretting. I voted for McCain/Palin yesterday, and they will win this election. Now, go rest.

    And become a teenager.

    Eddy is bringing it home for John and Sarah in PA. Ted is bringing it home for John and Sarah in Ohio. Charlie is bringing it home for John and Sarah in Florida.

    We will be involved in riots 2 weeks from this morning according to the media when BO’s sorry ass is being driven back to Chicago by Pat.

  14. Wow, Regency, that was gut-wrenching. You can have Hillary back for the night – I’m sorry I took her for so long. 🙂

    Seriously, thanks for opening up. I thought I had it bad not being able to really talk to anyone who understands down here in Oz but you have it way worse by being surrounded so much by Teh One.

    Please leave this up for the day-time folks to see.

  15. All right, Carol. Thanks.

  16. And, what Carol said: Go To BED!

  17. Regency, on October 22nd, 2008 at 5:52 am Said:
    I’m here. Sorry, I had to go redecorate my blog. It now features both Hillary and Sarah. There’s room in my life for both.
    Thanks for looking out for me, you guys. We’ll get through this but some days it doesn’t feel like that.

    Regency, I just saw your blog and it is gorgeous. I was actually decorating my myspace blog just now. It has a Vennesa Hudgens background from webfetti on it now. TEEHEE!!!
    Anywho, what ever happened to me having legal custody of Sarah???
    Well, I suppose since you do share our Pantsuited lover with me, it’s only fair. But I will extend this warning to you about her:
    she is even less merciless that Pantsuit wife is.

  18. Carol, on October 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 am Said:
    Regency – get your self to bed and go to sleep. You are too young to be up all night fretting. I voted for McCain/Palin yesterday, and they will win this election. Now, go rest.
    And become a teenager.
    Eddy is bringing it home for John and Sarah in PA. Ted is bringing it home for John and Sarah in Ohio. Charlie is bringing it home for John and Sarah in Florida.
    We will be involved in riots 2 weeks from this morning according to the media when BO’s sorry ass is being driven back to Chicago by Pat.

    Yes, go to bed and get some sleep Regency, and good night.
    Carol = love.

  19. Scrubs: Thank you! I could really use a Wonky hug. It’s not your fault I couldn’t take custody of our girl. WordPress wouldn’t let me! Clearly it was your turn.

    Lil Isis: You do have legal custody of Sarah. I just like to put up pretty pictures of her, along with pretty pretty pictures of my Wonk. We can share custody!

  20. Good night and good morning, my friends

  21. Awwwww, Seriously would be proud of the sharing spirit, Reg.

  22. Regency, on October 22nd, 2008 at 6:07 am Said:
    Scrubs: Thank you! I could really use a Wonky hug. It’s not your fault I couldn’t take custody of our girl. WordPress wouldn’t let me! Clearly it was your turn.
    Lil Isis: You do have legal custody of Sarah. I just like to put up pretty pictures of her, along with pretty pretty pictures of my Wonk. We can share custody!

    (((wonk hug))))
    Sharing = love. Besides, the Winky sex goddess has kewl shoes. Which she uses for naughty purposes.
    I will tell you of all her secrets when next we meet. Good night, my dear Regency!!!

  23. scrubs, the spirit of sharing is always best, particularly when it comes to our pantsuit wife.

  24. I am so proud. *sniffs*

  25. Regency, beautiful post. What strength in the face of adversity. When I am very upset, I like to take a walk ( I don’t cry that well any more). Do you do any exercise? I realize that you’re probably asleep. Sleep well.

  26. morning-regency there was a texas girl that had a few vids on “Hillary speaks for me” that were from a texas delegate that was constantly called by the Obama campaign and harrassed did you see them?

    The callers kept telling her she was on there list as an Obama delegate. Did that happen to you?

  27. Hillary will rise from this and soar I think her next campaign logo should have a Ledgendary phoenix on it for her 2012 presidential campaign!

  28. I would love to see my preminition of a post election speech by Obama in a bleak winter cornfield in Iowa like I posted a few threads back!

    That would suit me fine-Obama back in Chicago in the House that Tony Rezko Bought!

  29. fuzzy, did you see Afrocity’s vision for Obama in the post –
    The Confluence
    In Your Wildest Dreams . . .

    You might enjoy it/them.

  30. Regency – your post was beautiful and sometimes I forget how young you are. I did my part north of the border, you do yours down there, and just keep sending positive election vibes to the universe.

    Hugs.

  31. Not only did I not ignore your post, I have linked to it in my blog (wlotus.livejournal.com). More people need to read about how ugly the Obama supporters have been to those of us who dare to think outside the box and speak up about it.

  32. I lost about 30 lbs but when I looked in the mirror I found them again.

  33. Regency, you have a lot to be proud of. Unsung acts of courage like yours is what makes our country great and provides real hope in the face of all the hype some of your fellow students have unfortunately bought into.

  34. regency, what i would say is this. you fought the good fight and now take care of yourself. continue to lose that weight. take up walking. it will help get rid of that tension. continue to write. do something postiive for yourself everyday. tell your family you love them.

    come back to fight another day. that is what winners like us do. i started losing weight during ike because i couldn’t stand any more “non perishable” food. i still am doing it. my business is affected by the economic downturn and i am looking at many things in the interim.

    and if you can do it, begin to let this go. if not it will eat you up inside like battery acid. take a look at hillary. she is moving on and i know you will too. thanks for being such a loyal friend and supporter for her and us.

  35. On a lighter note: Tv and politics – what you watch by political party, Lorne Michaels on Palin et al
    http://edgeoforever.wordpress.com/2008/10/22/tv-and-politics/

  36. Interesting post, edgeoforever. Here’s another Palin article, “‘Sarah’s Army’ rallies for Palin in Nevada”:

    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/22/MNI013LIU2.DTL

  37. It takes enormous amounts of courage for young people to go against the flow these days. More than before. For speaking out they pay with their friendships and sometimes their grades – professors think nothing of shutting up students in the classroom and by grading them down.

    Regency, Little Isis, and everyone here – it takes people like you to make people hear the voice in the wilderness but we must:

    Michelle Malkin (yes, I know, but I’ve taken to going everywhere to get a more complete sense of what is being felt and said) recently linked to a blog about how blogs and sites that are anti-Obama are going to disappear just as they did for Hillary supporters and they linked to a Hillbuzz blog. Voices are being silenced all over and we have seen where that can lead.

  38. Hopeful sign?

    “Saudi Arabia indicts 991 suspected Al Qaeda militants”

    http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/1022/p04s01-wome.html

  39. Also, Regency – I do not call this exile. I mean, if anyone is in exile, it’s the Dems by me, not the other way around.
    I will not call these good times, but there’s something exhilarating about them. To maintain one’s integrity when the entire world loses its mind…
    I feel like I am living Kipling’s “if”

    IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

  40. Looking for Integrity, at 7:58 am Said:

    Michelle Malkin (yes, I know, but I’ve taken to going everywhere to get a more complete sense of what is being felt and said) recently linked to a blog about how blogs and sites that are anti-Obama are going to disappear just as they did for Hillary supporters and they linked to a Hillbuzz blog. Voices are being silenced all over and we have seen where that can lead.

    ***************

    Disappear or morph into voices for democracy? Watchdogs for whoever gets elected?

  41. […] October 22, 2008 · No Comments I have been reading Regency’s thoughts on these times at the Confluence […]

  42. Hell, I’ve been in exile so long now, I’m used to it. I was in exile beginning in 2000 when I voted for Al Gore as a registered Republican. For the next 8 years, I was in exile, because I loathed George W. Bush. This entire primary season, I’ve been in exile–and exiled, one by one from my customary “progressive” blogs–because I didn’t support Obama, I supported Hillary Clinton. Thank God[dess] for Confluence, No Quarter, and a few other places for exiles!

    So, another four years in exile? I can do it. But friends and family who are “true believers” will still receive my missives on what corruption is afoot, and how the Preznut is not what they thought he was. I will get great joy in pointing out to them that I told them all so.

    I have my bumper sticker ready if Obama wins:
    Don’t Blame Me. I Voted for Hillary.

  43. Regency, this was beautiful and so eloquently heartfelt.
    I understood and feel so deeply every word, thank you.

  44. “Who are we between moments like that? I don’t know but I keep daring to ask in the expectation that someone will finally have to ask himself or herself that same question.”

    I know. *hug*

  45. Dearest Regency, what a beautiful, but also sad letter.

    Please, don’t despair–things are going to be AOK. I know that, many times lately, i also seem to give in to sadness but, as you know, this doesn’t solve anything.

    So, in order to scare the very devil (and also those who are probably happily waiting or you to appear as sad as you feel, please, smile until it reaches your soul ;-), OK?

    To help a little here’s my happy good morning to you:

    It is called Las Mañanitas, and though it’s usually sung during ones birthday, among the lyrics you can see that it also speaks of friendship and the love we receive from them. Here’s the amazing love that I’m feeling right now for a young woman who I don’t know directly and, yet, she can speak so directly to my heart…

    PUMAS Rock!

  46. Regency, thanks for pouring your heart out like that and recapping your experience its important for us who are still are trying to put the whole picture together. They say “Time Heals Everything” and true perspective can’t be appreciated until there is some distance between the event and a clear and clean space. Weight loss to stress is not a good thing so I hope you have someone looking after you both physically, mentally and emotionally. As someone who has grown up in a Democratic strong hold that is famous for its corruption and strong arm tactics I can only add that none of this is new, they are tactics that Democrats have wielded for decades and in even worse and more tragic ways. It doesn’t make it right but sadly its part of the game and many a god heart as yourself have been trampled over playing that game.

  47. Hi, Regency. Like all your previous articles I was moved. But this one kept me teary-eyed to the end. Take courage from and comfort in what Stodgie, Looking for Integrity, Edgeoforever and the others have written above. Being a foreigner I do not have a direct stake in the outcome of this election and so I hesitate to join the conversations here (not that I have much of a right). But I have and continue to learn from RD and the other lead posters at The Confluence. And that to me is a blessing.

    I cannot put myself in your place but I can very well understand the feeling of isolation. I live in Tokyo, and the issues that concern my fellow workers (only 7 of us are non-Japanese in the workplace) are mostly domestic in nature. I do wish though that they would become more interested in other issues that could also impact on their lives, but sometimes of course I have to tread carefully, as there are cultural barriers.

    You are such a bright and insightful person and I have every confidence that you will continue to make a difference in your country’s future. If it should be of any comfort, this election too shall pass. Yet there will be greater challenges for your generation. I trust that you to build on this experience and keep positive thoughts! I’m sure you realize that you have your elder sisters and brothers to run to for support and solace if not wise counsel!

  48. Oops, I trust you to build on this experience and keep positive thoughts. I’m sure you realize that you have your elder sisters and brothers here at The Confluence to run to for support and solace if not wise counsel!

  49. Grangatita,

    Thanks for that comment in relation to the post I made in a much earlier thread. I am in CA now visiting my brother and his family after attending a conference in VA last week.

    I would like to share an observation – during one of the networking lunches, the organizers announced that next year’s conference would be held in Chicago. I instantly noticed the silence that ensued – it was palpable. Don’t people normally give some kind of applause after such an announcement, as iif to extend a welcome to the next group of hosts? I found that odd, and when I looked around me it seemed like everyone was holding their breath. I was quite amazed that people were so discreet. Although that must be the politically correct thing to do at such a gathering, I’m sure people would have been outspoken if I’d been sitting at a conference back in my own country.

  50. You are standing in the footsteps of some of the greatest men (and women left out) of history. Most people wonder if their lives will make any difference; you know you have already done so.

    If Obama is defeated, in spite of his cheating to win, then you will know that it was millions like you joined together and if you only changed one mind, you have succeeded.

    Never give up, never give in.

  51. Isis the kitten is speaking out about ACORN’s Fraud:

    http://isisfreakypolitics.blogspot.com

  52. Regency- I’m sorry for your anguish and trouble – like someone else said up-thread, it’s a shame all this is dropping on your head during your first year of college, which is usually a time of self discovery, joy and wonder. It’s a pity that what you are discovering around you is as vile, brain dead and loathsome as it is.

    However- at the risk of sounding like some goofy old grandpa type- never, EVER be ashamed or saddened by the passion you are bringing to this fight… you only get one go round, and there’s no do-overs. Your life is in front of you- grab it up, stomp and splash around in it, fall down and scrape your knees- but go live it. Sure things seem like a shi*storm of badness right now… but I’d bet all the money I have (which is about 10 bux these days) there will a come a time when you cherish these memories of when you bravely fought the good fight against an army of dolts. Sure beats putting on the sheep suit and going to stand in the O-drone line, yeah?

    Okay then, rah rah speech over. Apologies, but your story was effective in it’s affect.

    Moving on- the fact that you are in this so deeply is admirable, and gives a geezer like me hope for the future… it’s good to know that there are those your age interested in things more challenging than texting and so on- there may be hope for us all yet.

    Definitely can relate on the “feeling alone” sentiment. Recently went to a get together with people from the college days (that stretches back a couple decades), and of course the talk turned political. About 80% attending were all about Mr. Zero, yet not one of them could cite an accomplishment of their messiah, or state a reason to vote for this chump outside of what the lackey media had rammed down their throats.

    It’s pretty daunting and depressing, seeing people that you believe to be otherwise intelligent and informed make like dronish cult members when speaking of the exalted wizard of uhs.

    The thing that made me most sad was the women of the group who I knew (or thought I knew) to be strong, able, and fiercely independent blithely dismissing the treatment of Palin (shrugging about the c**t t-shirts and the pig comment) and not even caring to hear about Hillary’s being cheated on a monumental scale.

    It became somewhat surreal- on one side, someone who has never been a large Clinton fan (me) screaming about the gross injustices and horrid treatment accorded Hillary in the primaries opposing the strong independent women chanting “hari, hari, obama”.

    Strange days indeed- people on this blog citing Malkin, National Review, and ole’ Rush. People from the right(ish) like me standing and roaring about the foulness perpetrated upon Hillary.

    Jugears claimed he’d put people past partisanship- just don’t think he meant it like this….

  53. Regency:

    I know how you feel. I am in the “Belly of the Beast.” I volunteer for a wonderful woman I want to se make it to the senate. I believe in her with all my heart. So much so that I spend 14 hours a day, seven days a week stumping for her on my meager dime. I have spoken to many, many , many people and I have learned to NOT bring up Obama nor invoke his name. It is too much of a hassle trying to explain to the Kool-Aid Junkies that he is not “The One!”

    No-one has the ball’s to confront me. I am 6’2″ 290 so my size does come in handy at times. I have seen the disgust in their eyes and I have heard the “Whispers” on WHY I refuse to support Obama. The women I speak to all have their own stories to tell on how they were bullied into supporting Obama.
    The sad part is that the one “Party” that should have “Protected” them, was complicit in the abuse!

    I went and cast my vote today. (Early Voting here in Illinois) and I saw with my own two eyes what was happening here. The Obama signs in front of the building and the wink wink attitude that allowed many to “Voice” their preference while voting. I am a Precinct Captain so I spoke up and raised a ruckus about it. Needless to say, the signs disappeared and no-one voiced their opinions,,,,as long as I was there.

    I am so sorry you feel alone. This election has brought out the worst in people. I only hope that it does not sour you on humanity. We are a great species but we are capable of such cruel behavior.

    Hang in there little one……It will get better!

  54. I too was moved by your words, Regency, and saddened to relive the shared experience forced on us at TSU. It was a bleak day for the democratic process. I had never attended a precinct caucus before and was not at all prepared for the hostility dished out by our mainly upper class white Obama neighbors and bundlers. We were shorted a delegate, and after many hours painstakingly checking and reconciling voter records, we filed a challenge that actually got resolved to our satisfaction. The theft was blatant and jarring. When the Obama caucus chair wanted to correct it in fairness, the TDP told her to make us fight for it. The challenge threw them off, but the big guns trial attorneys came after us threatening law suits and defaming our characters and intentions. Our only intention, as Hillary supporters, was to ensure our candidate received her rightful delegates, and the eligibility of delegates and alternates elected to the SD was confirmed. After watching the last 2 elections stolen, I was determined to do my part in ensuring fraud didn’t occur in my precinct.

    I understand the feelings of exile quite well. I have been shocked by the in-my-face disgust “close” friends have expressed when I have not crossed over to the other side. I have gotten stronger though and can laugh at the inaneness of their inflated, dismissive, and intimidating airs of superiority. In fact, it’s become quite comical to watch them puff and spout, especially when they start the rants about Sarah’s lack of experience:) These good Christian folks need to take the logs out of their eyes!

    After spending 8 years watching another candidate with 0 experience, I find it incredulous that people are falling for the same arguments they fell for when electing GWB. What a pablum electorate we’ve become.

    Hang tough! I hope you’re getting some good poly sci in at school. You might think about a career in politics! You have an uncommon passion and commitment for justice and integrity, which is just what all of us want so desperately in our elected officials. People who will take a stand and fight for the health, opportunity, education and happiness of all Americans as opposed to the wealth of the fictional few called corporations, are few and far between.

    I hope today is dawning brighter for you!

  55. To paraphrase, “It was the best of times; it is the worst of times”. My husband is a retired auto worker and, of course, the UAW is strongly supporting “you know who”. I received a phone call yesterday that was the highlight of this season. A member of the UAW called and wanted to talk with my husband; when I explained that he wasn’t home right then, he said that was OK and that he would like to talk with me. He immediately started in on his talking points about “you know who”; after a few seconds, I cut in and said that we weren’t supporting “you know who”. The man said, but aren’t you both registered Democrats? I replied, yes, that was true. He was incredulous and asked how could we not support “you know who”, considering who the alternatives are. I spent the next 10 minutes explaining to him why we will be voting for McCain-Palin and not “you know who”. When the call was ending, I wondered if even one thing I had said had made a difference. As he was saying good-bye, the man said, “Wow, you really have some valid arguments. I wish you were on our side.” *sigh* I don’t pretend to know how the election will go on November 4th, but I do know that on November 5th we will have to keep on fighting for the return of democracy; we will have to keep on fighting for our very rights; we will have to keep on fighting for open-mindedness and fairness; and we will have to keep on fighting for equality – no matter if McCain wins or if the victory goes to “you know who”.

  56. SOUPCITY said ” Regency, this was beautiful and so eloquently heartfelt I understood and felt so deeply every word”

    Regency fel the same and you make me cry with your post.
    As an outsider but all the way with you PUMAS.
    I think that somethingn very positive has to come from all this.
    I think that this election year was not just historical because the personages in the race but because will be- a before and after of the Democratic Party in America-
    PUMAS don’t let the other part get away with it, Put all your posts together and publish them.
    I save many of your posts and there is a wealth of literature on them.
    Regency querida you are not alone. People in Riverdaugter’s blogres are the friendly and interesting people of all blogs.

  57. Dear Regency,

    The first year at college is always a tough one, and with this crazy election, you’re under even more stress. Being alone in your dorm room is not the answer—no matter how comfortable it feels. Trust me—I’m a recovering agoraphobic, so I understand about those feelings of safety only when I’m at home. I’m working on it, and getting better at it—but it’s not easy.

    Why not start a support group? There must be someone who also put their heart and soul into supporting HRC, and feels the same way you do. I bet you can round up at least a couple of people who feel just as bad as you do. Maybe you could put a little ad in the school newspaper—or put up a sign on a bulletin board on campus.

    For those of us who feel passionately, work the hardest, and are blessed with a writing talent, life can offer special challenges. HRC’s career will be long and productive, and we need to continue to work with her in any way we can. But to continue our work (and HRC’s agenda), we need to take care of ourselves emotionally. I think many of us are running on empty at the moment. We need time to heal, and mend our wounds. One way that’s helped me a LOT is talking to one of the counselors here at my school. It has been a great way of venting, crying, raging—you name the emotion, I’ve felt it. It’s also helped me find another safe place on campus other than a dorm room. I highly recommend it.

    I wish I went to your school—I’d DEFINITELY join a support group with you. But I’m here online, and I post at Alegre’s Corner, and also at the Partizane. It helps to at least exchange words here on the net. So I’m thinking about you, and wish you better days, and healing ways.

    Dar

  58. Regency , Just wanted to say that I admire you greatly.
    Your feelings are natural and come with the territory.
    This election turned the heat up in all our lives many ways. I know you’ll hang in, since you’re not just brilliant, but strong . Thank you for this post.

  59. “Something tells me I’d better get used to exile”

    Sending you a hug. I’m a long time member of the exhiles. It gets easier really, and after a while you learn to take care of health. But more importantly you learn that you are not alone.

  60. Regency
    Beautiful post. I think McCain will win, at least hope that will be the case, and our nightmare will be over and bambi will go back to Chicago, hopefully after 2010, forever. If the worst happens and the general election is stolen also, the next four years will be gotten through and we can try again in 2012. You are not and will not be alone. Puma in PA

  61. Regency, I finally got to read your post. I don’t know you—I wish I did—but I, too, will say that I’m proud of you. And you ought to be proud. Choose your battles wisely; pace yourself. Don’t stop being brave (and you’re definitely brave), don’t stop caring passionately.

  62. Regency- I’m staying away from the news / blogs / everything as much as I can — you know how that feels 😉 — so I came across your post now.

    I feel like you do, and I’ve got decades on you. It’s bad enough at my age. I would have been crushed to see so much of the stupid awful side of people at 18. You’re strong. Hang in there, kiddo! The truth really does set you free.

  63. It’s been a pretty good day today so I thought I’d head back here to reflect on what kind of night I had yesterday. It wasn’t great then but it’s gotten better thanks to all of your kindness and concern. Thank you.

    I will go on and I will endure. And I will not be forced to watch Barack Obama sworn in as President of the United States.

    It’s raining McPalin.

    Good night.

  64. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Regency}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I have NOTHING to add, except “this too shall pass”.

  65. Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chevalier}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Hope that wasn’t a lopsided hug. Eh, who’s counting.

    It will pass. In fact, I think there just might be a sunny day on the horizon.

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