Note: Thanks to chatblu at The Confluence for the term “Barackracy,” and for the inspiration for this play.
THE SCENE: Inauguration Day 2009, in the living room of JOE and JANE AMERICA. Comfortable furniture and toys belonging to their 2.5 kids and Labrador Retriever are strewn about. Their couch is facing a television set, which is on the fourth wall. Instead of seeing the screen, the words of the new President, Barack Obama, will be heard.
JOE and JANE AMERICA are seated on the couch, facing the audience.
JOE: Well, Jane, the new President gets inaugurated today. I guess we should hear what he has to say.
JANE (grumpily): Whatever. You know if he hadn’t picked Hillary as his VP, he never would have won.
JOE (sighing): I know, honey, I know. She just destroyed that Cantor guy in the debates. She made everyone feel like at least SOMEONE in the White House would know what they were doing. Oh well – let’s see what we’ve gotten ourselves into. (picks up a remote, points it at the audience and presses the power button)
VOICE OF ANNOUNCER: And now, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, will give his Inaugural Address.
VOICE OF OBAMA: My fellow Barackians, welcome to the first minute of my Presidency. And an incredible minute it’s been for all of us! I’ve already solved global warming, ended both wars, captured Osama bin Laden, destroyed Al Qaeda and fixed the economy. On top of these amazing achievements, racism is no longer a factor in America. Just like my followers always said, simply electing me has done all of these things. Am I awesome, or what?
JOE: What the hell is he talking about?
JANE: He’s lost it!
OBAMA: Since all of our problems are now resolved, you might wonder what I’ll be doing for the rest of my 8-10 years as President. I’m glad you asked! I will be devoting my time to implementing Barackracy. It’s democracy – but better!
JOE: Oh boy. I don’t like the sound of this at all.
OBAMA (with growing enthusiasm): Yes, Barackracy is a vast improvement over our old, uncool system of democracy. Let me tell you why. First thing we’re going to do is, every time Congress makes a law, we’re going to text you about it. That’s right – total transparency in government!
JANE: Hmmm, that doesn’t sound so bad.
OBAMA: And it’ll only cost you a few pennies for each special Congressional text! Proceeds will go directly to fund our Total Information Awareness program, sponsored by AT&T. Barackracy means you know we care, because we’re always listening!
JOE and JANE: D’oh!
OBAMA (even more excited): Another improvement I’m making is that Barackracy will combine the best aspects of church and state. Every Saturday and Sunday, you’ll be able to go to your chosen house of worship, and see a broadcast of your tax dollars at work. The most important decisions of the day will be the subject of your minister’s sermons. You will be informed and aware of everything we do, and will be able to discuss it with your fellow parishioners.
JOE: Well, that actually sounds like a pretty cool idea. But what about donations?
OBAMA: Donations will be mandatory, and must add up to the sum of 10% of your income by April 15 of next year. This will be on top of any tax increase I may or may not decide to implement. Oh, and if you don’t go to church, temple or mosque? You’d better pick one. Barackracy doesn’t hold with unbelievers. Amen!
JOE and JANE: Oh crap!
OBAMA (almost hysterical): Now, there’s one final thing. I’ve noticed there are a lot of people out there who didn’t vote for me. Well, we are all one unified, happy family in Barackracy! That’s why you are all going to get visits from my (air quotes) “Unity Ambassadors” throughout the year. One way or another, you WILL come to me! And you’ll make the sign of “O” when you see me! Change! Hope! Believe!
VOICE OF HILLARY (interrupting): Enough! See, Harry? I told you.
JANE: What’s going on? Is that Harry Reid with her?
JOE: The Senate Majority Leader? I think so! And that’s Nancy Pelosi next to him!
VOICE OF HARRY REID: President Obama, the Speaker of the House and I hereby remove you from duty under the 25th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. You are mentally unfit to serve as President of the United States. Hillary, you were right all along.
OBAMA (being carried off, fading away): Wait! Wait! You can’t do this to me! I am The One! I am a symbol of a better America! Barackracy…..
VOICE OF ANNOUNCER (clearing his throat): Ahem. Well, America, that was interesting, wasn’t it? And now, back to our Inaugural Address, with our NEW President of the United States, Hillary Clinton.
VOICE OF HILLARY: My fellow Americans, we are faced with a time of great challenges. But with great challenges come great opportunities.
JOE and JANE (immensely relieved): Oh, thank God.
VOICE OF HILLARY (continuing, fading away): Our climate is changing. Our national security is precarious due to a weakening economy and an over-dependence on foreign oil. But we can resolve these problems, with hard work and our traditional American ingenuity. Here’s how we’re going to do it…