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Our Post-Racial Paradise: A Play in One Dreamy Act.

(H/T to Garychapelhill for the title)

THE SCENE: President Barack Obama’s Oval Office. A wall with a computerized panel and a door occupies center stage left, and the office occupies the remainder of the stage.

The decor of the office has totally changed. The drapes around the room are now printed with the Obama faux-presidential seal. Everywhere are pictures of President Obama, looking saintly and generous. There is also a picture of Michelle and the kids, but it is much smaller and less prominently placed. The American Flag has been redesigned; in the center of the field where the stars were is now a picture of Our Dear Leader.

The man himself sits behind the desk in the Oval Office, garbed in spotless white robes. Above his head, a sign reads “President Barack Obama” in large, elegant letters. He is in deep meditation, or perhaps, is sleeping off the effects of too much “holy water” the night before.

BILL BURTON, Barack Obama’s now Chief of Staff, appears at the door. The door speaks in a pleasant, female, robotic voice.

DOOR: Please enter your permanent password.

(BURTON enters a few numbers on the keypad.)

DOOR: Please speak your name.

BURTON: William Burton.

DOOR: Voiceprint authorized. Please state today’s password.

BURTON: Ummmmm…Obama is the greatest president that was, is, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen?

DOOR: Password expired. Please state today’s password.

BURTON: Ummmmm…(pulls out an iPhone, checks it, smiles) All hail Barack Obama, President Extraordinaire and really awesomely cool dude?

DOOR: Password accepted. (BURTON enters the Oval Office. OBAMA opens his eyes calmly.)

OBAMA: Good morning, Bill.

BURTON: Morning, Mr. President!

OBAMA: Please, sit down. (BURTON does so.) Now, what’s on your mind, Bill?

BURTON: Well, it’s this “New Racism Handbook” we published last week. Even though our NBC affiliates are over the moon about it, I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints in the (using air quotes) “blogosphere.”

OBAMA (frowning): Really? I thought those guys loved me.

BURTON: Oh, most of them do, sir! But some of them are saying that 10,000 forbidden words are too hard to remember. Words like “arrogant” and “presumptuous” are easy, but some of the scientists are protesting about changing the term “black hole” to “lightwardly challenged hole.” And making public racism a crime! They are really not on board with that one.

OBAMA (smiling): Oh, that’s okay, Bill. Let me tell you a bit more about my master plan. (getting up and striding commandingly around the room) You see, I wanted to take the troops out of Iraq and transfer them directly to Afghanistan to continue fighting there. But, it turns out, they’re already so exhausted from their fourth and fifth tours, they were useless to us. Our mission in Afghanistan, whatever it is, cannot succeed this way. We need more bodies, but Blackwater keeps raising its prices. It’s a tough situation.

BURTON: Sounds tough, Mr. President!

OBAMA: So, here’s what I’m thinking: No one can possibly remember all 10,000 words. We’ll use the warrantless wiretapping George and Dick set up to spy on people and catch them for the crime of public racism. Then, I’ll offer them a choice: do prison time, or join the Army. We’ll be up to quota in no time, and we can keep sending soldiers over to Afghanistan for 8-10 years, or whenever our mission is completed, whichever comes first! And best of all, no draft! (OBAMA smiles triumphantly, waiting for BURTON’s praise)

BURTON (a little late): That’s brilliant, Mr. President!

OBAMA: Isn’t it? It was all my idea, of course. Now, why don’t you go work with Axelrod and Plouffe today. They’re hiring a bunch of racism-spotters, and they could use some help.

BURTON: Yessir, Mr. President! (bustles off importantly)

(From behind a curtain, NANCY PELOSI, HOWARD DEAN and DONNA BRAZILE step forward.)

PELOSI: Oh, Barack. You told him this was your idea?

(OBAMA sits down, a bit petulantly.)

OBAMA: Well, shit, Nancy, I can’t let my people know you guys are telling me what to do. They believe in me! I am The One!

BRAZILE (soothingly): Of course you are, Barack honey. You just keep doing what you’re doing.

DEAN: That’s right, Barack. Everything’s going exactly the way we planned it.

(Suddenly, the scene dissolves. We see HILLARY and BILL CLINTON in their bedroom in New York. It’s decorated in traditional American style, with rich colors and fabrics. HILLARY is sitting up in bed, terrified and breathing hard. She is wearing silk pajamas. BILL is wearing a matching pair of pajamas. He stirs awake.)

BILL: Hillary – what’s the matter?

HILLARY: Oh, Bill – I had the most awful dream!

BILL (sighing): President Obama again?

HILLARY: Bill, this one was really terrible. It was about –

BILL (impatiently): Honey, if you’re ever going to get a good night’s sleep again, you know what you have to do.

HILLARY (coming to a decision): Dammit Bill, you’re right. I’m putting my name in nomination at the Convention. Screw the Party and screw their staged withdrawal. I’m in it to win it!

BILL: Attagirl! (They hug.) Now, about my Supreme Court nomination…

(HILLARY laughs her trademark belly laugh.

LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at Oooh, nuance!

77 Responses

  1. Even the Birth Certificate is Fake–it’s his sister’s….

    As Bill Clinton said yesterday/day before yesterday, anyone is eligible to run for president who qualifies under the Constitution.

    Forensics specialist Techdude, who has been chipping away at the Obama Birth Certificate mystery for some time, has confirmed that the name on the original Certificate of Live Birth (COLB) which was used to forge the document presented by Barack Obama as his valid Birth Certificate IS:

    Maya Kassandra Soetoro.

    His sister.

    The document presented by Obama as the “truth about his birth certificate” can be seen on his official campaign web page, “FightTheSmears,” here.

    For more, go to this Web site (Texas Darlin’)

    http://texasdarlin.wordpress.com/

  2. CB, I’ve read the story. AND I’ve read Joseph’s too. Have you?

  3. No, What is Joseph’s story?

  4. Zogby is a hack but….

    The Illinois Democrat has also lost some support among African-Americans and Hispanics, where his lead over Republican John McCain has shrunk, and among Catholics, where he’s lost his lead.

    The net result, pollster John Zogby found, is a race that’s neck and neck, with McCain supported by 42 percent; Obama by 41 percent; Libertarian Bob Barr by 2 percent; and independent Ralph Nader by 2 percent. Another 13 percent supported other candidates or were undedcided.

  5. He tried to reproduce the results. Discussing the process at each step.

    He’s not impressed with the quality of the work as shown

  6. KB – I’m not impressed either. I think Cannon’s approach is very scientific.

    As a person who knows a bit about designing graphics, I would never give instructions as vague as TechDude’s, and I would reproduce my results at every phase to back up my assertions.

  7. Oh he is a citizen and he is a christian and there is no whitey tape. I have no doubts about who he is, it is who he isn’t, and that is qualified or trustworthy.

  8. Me too, madamab.

  9. Meanwhile, I enjoyed the play.

    madamab, you had me worried for a while.

    That really is a nightmare. Poor Hillary. Poor us.

  10. Kim – I think he’s a citizen and a Christian. As for the whitey tape – I’ll bet it exists. I can absolutely see Michelle doing that.

    However, I think Obama will tank way before that tape needs to be brought out.

  11. Oops. I thought the vague instructions were to protect him, and who is it who won the trip to Vegas for duplicating the steps given on line?

    I think this is another Bu$h-like done deal–made more scary because the media
    likes this empty suit even more.

  12. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just pull a magical rabbit out of a hat, like a phoney BC or something, but it just ain’t gonna happen. This is going to be a battle every step of the way.

  13. Great play!

    Hillary will save us. I loved Bill telling him to go to “hell” yesterday. BO is insignificant and has already set the country back centuries with his tactics. (But then, what do I know, I am a r*cist.)

    PUMA HAKA 👿

  14. Oh, thanks, plural! I know – sorry for the fake-out. But really, how far-out is it?

    Remember in “Obama Hears a Huh?”, I joked that Oba-moi insisted on being called “Mr. President” by his inner circle?

    Well, did you see the chair in Oba-moi’s plane?

    Oba-moi has issues.

  15. Oh, she probably did say those things, but I don’t think there is a tape of her statements. That would be too easy, for all his posturing, he and the very lovely Michelle would turn out to be the real r@cists.

  16. Great play! Someone I know is going to stage readings of them with friends!

  17. madamab, you’re right, now that they’ve decided the tire guage is ra*&st, anything is possible.

    I loved Donna, Nancy, and Howard hiding behind the Possum-sealed curtains 🙂

  18. Wait what did I miss, when I was home crying like a two year old. When did Bill tell BO to go to hell?

  19. gauge, sorry

  20. CB – Really?

    That’s so cool! They should write me and let me know so I can publicize their readings on my blog:

    madamab at gmail dot com

  21. I just went to McCain’s site, what is racist about a tire gauge?

  22. I just went to McCain’s site, what is r@cist about a tire gauge?

  23. Kim – How Dare You Question The One???!!!!1111

    I had no idea the Obamasphere had decided the tire gauge was r*cist. That’s hilarious!

    You know Hillary would have laughed it off and said, “Well, that’s very cute, but I still think my energy plan beats Senator McCain’s by a mile,” and then she would have gone into details.

    Oba-moi just can’t take a joke. He is a fragile entity indeed.

  24. R@cists or sexist? Mine looks like a pencil.

  25. madamab: Brilliant!! I love these playlets. We keep hounding you for more but you always, always deliver! Went out for awhile and came back to another hilarious take on The One! You are so talented! You have set it up so well I can actually envision the entire thing in my head! Bravo!

  26. Just for the record, Carol kidnaps as well.

  27. Thanks, PJ! 🙂

  28. Why would Susan and Larry include these blogs if they are questionable (the COLB stuff)? I hate to see their reputation hurt.

  29. I know I’m so off theme, but I thought many of you would appreciate this fluff piece about Hillary. She looks happy:

    http://www.nysocialdiary.com/node/31941

  30. Sending air kisses out to Kim since we are thousands of miles away. XX00

  31. pm, I think, maybe it gives people a thread of hope. Everyone is trying so hard to hang on to the thought that something will stop this farce of an election. The truth does not seem to be enough. It is not enough that the caucuses were rigged and the Michigan and Florida debacle.

  32. Thanks Pat. Right back at ya!

  33. oooh, fun play. I love that you poke totally legit fun at Bill & Hillary as well, like in the last line…..

  34. Thanks Chevalier! We love them because they are so human. 🙂

  35. ben: That was fabulous! Thanks so much for sharing even though yet again I puddle up when I see or read about her. Such a wonderful human being. And Bloomberg must like her because he did not have to do this. In his heart of hearts he knows we have set aside the one person who could have made a huge difference in our lives. You have to be a dummy not to see that.

  36. A blackout will probably be known as: temporary suspension of energy rights.

  37. Oh, I forgot, what will those Blackberry users do?

  38. Just for the record: I am switching over from white to blacke Russians. Or back again. Whatever the politically correct situation demands.

  39. Has anyone seen the Daily Howler? It’s especially spot-on.

    We are going to lose this election with Obama. SD’s, are you paying attention?

  40. madamab: I read that yesterday. Love Bob Somersby!

  41. Wow, madamab — that was excellent! Just when I thought: “I can’t STAND the idea of Pres. Obama, this makes me sick” — BAM!

    VERY good!

    Thank you.

  42. After being distanced from Bill’s tape for 3/4 of a day, it is hitting me how incredibly powerful both he and Hillary are. They can turn the tide of the nasty energy created by the thoughts and work of global greed-buckets and their armies of wanabees and lackeys—with just a few wise words. No wonder they are feared so much.

    Kudos again, Madamab!

  43. ben, Hillary looks lovely in the photos linked above.

    Thanks for posting!

  44. Kim, on August 5th, 2008 at 12:13 pm Said:

    pm, I think, maybe it gives people a thread of hope. Everyone is trying so hard to hang on to the thought that something will stop this farce of an election. The truth does not seem to be enough. It is not enough that the caucuses were rigged and the Michigan and Florida debacle.

    very well said… I feel actual despair at the thought that this is rigged (and by our own party) and there’s no way out. I know I have become obsessive about checking blogs just to see if there is any hope that there will be a lightning strike that ends this farce. It’s interesting to me that there are so many looking into to so many issues…. any one of them would have ended a politician’s career. he’s teflon because of the MSM’s protection…..it’s as if we are holding our collective breaths to see which abyss will be plunged head first into!

  45. Indigo, that is so true. It seems like everyday either Obama or one of his surrogates seems to step in “it” and no one gives a rats ass. Just let him do whatever, because he is cool, it is cool to vote for the black guy and that is what this seems to be all about. I have finally come to the conclusion that most of us that refuse to vote for him are the true followers of Dr. King’s philosophy, we don’t judge by color, but by character and Obama’s character or lack thereof, scares the crap out of me.

    SO many of us have so much at stake this election. For me it is my son, many are losing their homes, some of us are losing our jobs, this is not a time to be cool, it is a time where getting it right could be the difference between life and death.

  46. No Quarter is posting that Keith Olbermann gave Dana Milbank the “bum’s rush”. This is following Milbank’s portrayal recently in his column of calling Obama the “presumptuous president”.

    Olbermann must be drunk on his own juices since this is another reason that censorship plays a major role in reporting the news. O’Reilly, uncouth as he may be, invites the opposition on to debate. It may be only to outshout them but the chance for someone to possibly score a point exists. Not so KO. No dissent allowed. Just one hour non stop of his own personal biases attended by like minded pundits who love the air time.

    Wonder what Rachel Maddow makes of this? Hope she is having second thoughts when dissent is no longer tolerated.

  47. Pat Johnson, on August 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Said:
    ———————-
    And Johnnie Walker Black Label scotch is now a thing of the past.

  48. Black Forest Cake = German Forest Cake
    The Black Sea = The Sea That Looks Like The Night Sky

  49. This is hillaryous. I just found this in the spam filter.

    It’s from Tim.

    BTW mod…I live in Denver…I’ll be working events. Don’t expect to come to our home and start riots in our streets.

    The Obama boyz are afraid you might riot!.

    Ha Ha Ha

  50. Doesn’t he know that Obama is following W’s lead and we will be placed in a pasture 10 miles from town?

  51. I had to laugh the other morning when CBS radio was complaining that demonstrators at the Olympics in Beijing were going to be kept behind fences.

    This is different from US how?

  52. Great play!!!! They are taking a turn for the dark side lately aren’t they? but then again look at your subject matter. This one would be great for the radio!!!!

  53. plural – We really have no room to complain any more about human rights, do we? Gitmo? “Free speech zones?” Warrantless wiretapping? Abu Ghraib?

    Oh, what Bush hath wrought.

  54. plural, I thought I read that they were going to allow protests in parks….my thought was, we’re worse than the chinese…at least they don’t put them in cages…

  55. I thought the Chinese were probably coming here to learn from the Bushies.

  56. JEEEBUS CRIPES, madamab, you scared me!

    And, then – ah. It was all a dream. Now to reality. Hillary, sign that petition!

    Thank you for th playlet – it’s wonderful! They should be mini-Youtube epsiodes!

  57. What about organizing huge demonstrations in cities (NY, LA, etc.) a weekend before the convention too, so that the public can see them in size on MSM coverage?

  58. Here’s the link to that FOX News interview with a Texas Delegate talking about why they must enter Hillary’s name in nomination and have a roll call vote.

    The file is HUGE — 35 megabytes. If anyone has another Idea for how to share it please let me know.

  59. Gary – I know, they are dark lately. I’ve just started realizing, in a soul-deep way, how incredibly bad Obama would be for America. The last straw for me was when everyone started saying “presumptuous” meant “uppity.”

    Enough of this bullsh*t.

    At least this play has a happy ending. 🙂

  60. Karolina NYC – I think demonstrations are a great idea. We shouldn’t expect the MSM to report them correctly, though. I’ve been in humungous protest marches before, and the media always says they’re a lot smaller than they actually are.

    Maybe people can film the protests and post them on YouTube!

    KB – that was great. Thank you!

  61. Madamab, I know that they do not report them correctly, but I think that it might be somehow done correctly on MSM. We need to think of gimmicks, networking contacts, something. Everything depends on getting Hillary in, and necessity creates the invention….

  62. That’s the problem she is putting the faux promise of Party power, Obama’s supposed ability to tap the untapped under represented angry aggrieved non white demographics in the electorate now the collective majority of the Country and inflame their passion and participation bringing them to the Democratic Party and the voting booth, George Bush’s version of his Sect of value voter, and that’s misguided even Hillary needs to put country before Party.

    The problem for the Dem Party and the entire ticket now if she dose not call the Party on this fraud, is that the stage craft of identity grievance requires the enemy of the oppressed the persecutors to be constantly highlighted and Obama choose to make it personal, singular, instead of the We vs. Them the ole collective good vs. evil and named only undeserving White People, highlighting older richer White Women his opposition as the evil exposing the false viciousness of bigotry as an ugly weapon that is the core of his campaign and splintered the Party creating anti Dems not just swng voter and he’s locked in a box now.

    Yes I agree, this is when Obama is hurt by the the use of race and only then when it as obvious as it was last week that it is he who is the purveyor of hate and bigotry.

    The jigs up the Dems have 3 choices place Hillary in the nomination, hope that those O Oppressed show up and out number the 04 demographics and if 2 doesn’t happen get ready to be absorbed into what ever knew political power has begun to emerge or become as irrelevant again.

    The wolf in sheep’s clothing indeed

  63. That’s right, Salt. Hillary’s loyalty to the Democratic Party is deep and strong, but she must be questioning it at this point.

    Country before Party.

    PUMA!

  64. another great playlet madamab!

  65. “but she must be questioning it at this point.’

    madamab, I hope so! I keep trying to imagine her mental processes, and can’t fathom what it takes to play along with what she knows is corrupt. Mind boggling.

    My favorite play yet! I like the dark flavor–fits my mood. The password stuff killed me!! You really are brilliant.

  66. Thanks, joaniebone and perries!

    Gary has an Obama birthday post up. 🙂

  67. Thank you for a much needed laugh. Extremely creative work. As always.

  68. To katiebird & madamab – computer forensics and legal investigation are fields I considered training for a few years ago. It is not anything like graphic design. When I read Techdude’s recent article I read it as a challenge to other forensic experts. That could be why cannon and others cannot replicate the results. The field of computer forensics is not that well known at this point because it is utilized by law offices and legal investigators and is rapidly evolving as the technology to effectively investigate white collar crime evolves. I am personally very grateful to texasdarlin, techdude, Larry & Susan at No Quarter and others who are hot on this trail.

  69. Thanks for that input, justus949!

    It still seems rather iffy that a true analysis could be done on an electronic copy of the birth certificate. If I were Obama, I would simply provide news outlets with a paper copy and say, “Enough!”

    Maybe that’s why the story has legs.

  70. madamab, we’ve had the same problem over at alegre’s corner – what was postulated as satire becomes reality. when obama flip-flopped on faith-based funding, we were making fun of the cheeto diary “why this athiest supports faith-based initiatives”, and riffing on what we’d see next – “why FISA corporations need immunity” and “what’s the big hurry to get out of iraq?” sadly, both of those things came to pass, and the cheetos did double backflips to reposition themselves in alignment with The One’s™ new position.

    EXCELLENT play, but be careful what you snark for 😉

  71. Slightly on -topic but as per the great liberal MSM:
    “skinny” is a coded racial term. I kid you not. Its on slate – but no link love from me !

  72. To madamab – that’s why McCain made such a big deal of releasing his birth certificate to the press. Why indeed doesn’t Obama just release his to the press? If he is illegitimate, big deal, this country has moved sufficiently past that old stigma to accept him regardless. So what’s up here? It smacks of the same secrecy, arrogance and abuse of power as the current WH occupant. Forgery is forgery. If you or I can’t whack 10 years off our birth certificates and get away with it legally, should anyone else be able to doctor a birth certificate for any other reason and get away with it?

  73. Maybe the fact that his father was not a US citizen has something to do with the secrecy of his citizenship. If he was born somewhere off of US soil and both parents were not citizens, maybe it gave him some different kind of status back then?

    Next thing you know, Schwanrtznegger is going to find some way to become Pres.

  74. Runa – “Skinny?” Wow, I wish someone would use that coded racial term on this white lady!!! LOL

    They are off their rockers.

  75. *Breaking* Sister Maya’s Name Uncovered on Alleged Obama Birth Certificate [Update]
    August 5, 2008 · 124 Comments
    Forensics specialist Techdude, who has been chipping away at the Obama Birth Certificate mystery for some time, has confirmed that the name on the original Certificate of Live Birth (COLB) which was used to forge the document presented by Barack Obama as his valid Birth Certificate IS:

    Maya Kassandra Soetoro.

    His sister.
    http://texasdarlin.wordpress.com

  76. Brilliant play, madamab! I especially loved the ending. 🙂

  77. I wonder if the Florida and Michigan votes will be fully seated before the roll call vote for Hillary…?

    Should be by rights.

    Love the little playette….. shades on Saturday Night Live – they should do them…

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