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Email Tale

Recently, the following documents were recovered during the summer cleaning of dormitory housing of a nearby state college. Analysis reveals that the documents consist of email print-outs and are stained with a mixture of Cheeto residue, Kool-aid and “personal lubricant” Several pages also contain DNA samples of unknown origin.

Here are the documents in chronological order:

Date: 12/01/07

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Welcome to Obama Bloggers! We are happy to have you as a member of our team.

Senator Barack Obama needs elite and informed individuals like yourself to help spread the word about his post-partisan progressive vision for America. In order to accomplish this goal you will receive daily (sometimes hourly) updates with the latest talking points. We encourage you to register under as many aliases as possible at several different progressive blogs. When you receive an update, go to each blog and “spread the word.”

We must put an end to the politics of the past, exemplified by Hillary Clinton and her triangulating and “say anything to win” tactics.

Senator Obama looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

 

Date: 01/10/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

What we feared most has come to pass. Bill Clinton is spreading racist smears about Senator Obama. He has referred to Senator Obama as a “kid” and said his claims about Iraq are a “fairy tale.”

We cannot allow such vile racism to go unchallenged! Go to your assigned blogs and protest.

Dave

 

Date: 01/31/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Our polls show that Senator Obama will sweep the Super Tuesday contests. Unfortunately, many Hillary supporters refuse to believe this and continue to support her. We suggest using the “recommend” and “rating” functions at the important blogs to shut those bitches up. Don’t be shy about expressing your opinion of these shrill dead-enders who are standing in the way of progress.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 02/06/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Apparently there are more racists in this nation than we expected, especially in California, Massachusetts and New Jersey. However, we expect the rest of February to be very favorable for Senator Obama.

We need volunteers to participate is some state caucuses, if you are interested please contact my office. Travel expenses paid.

Dave

 

 

Date: 02/28/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Despite the lies you may have heard, Senator Obama is a strong opponent of NAFTA. He is the most progressive candidate running, and Hillary only continues to run in order to damage him so that John McCain will win. In fact, we have reliable reports Hillary intends to be McCain’s running mate.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 03/17/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama will be giving a speech tomorrow to put an end to the controversy surrounding Rev. Wright. It is important that you promptly post your overwhelmingly positive reaction to this speech, including how it affected you emotionally and moved you to tears.

Actually viewing the speech will be helpful to you in providing detailed comments, so check your local listings.

Dave

 

 

Date: 04/23/08 

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

As the polls have shown, Pennsylvania is infested with racists.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

 

Date: 05/13/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama is the inevitable nominee, despite expected narrow losses in West Virginia and Kentucky, where we didn’t even try to compete anyway.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan don’t count!

 

Date: 06/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

The Rules and Bylaws Committee has rendered a fair and just compromise decision.

Dave

PS: Florida and Michigan count!

 

 

Date: 06/05/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

There seems to have been a slight miscalculation. It turns out that Senator Obama will be needing some or all of the former supporters of Senator Clinton after all. We need to you go to those pro-Hillary blogs and talk sense to those old bitches.

While you’re there, see if you can find out anything about something called “PUMA” that we’ve been hearing about.

Dave

 

 Date: 06/15/08

To: (name withheld)

From: David Axelrod

Senator Obama thanks you for your support in running a post-partisan centrist campaign. He looks forward to having patriotic and decent Americans like yourself employed in his administration. We are the change we’ve been waiting for!

Dave

PS: Don’t forget to donate!

 

Date: 07/01/08

To: (name withheld)

From: R. Chadwick Throckmorton III

Thank you for your interest in “Obama Fellows 2008.” We congratulate you on receiving you recent degree, however we are only accepting applications from graduates of nationally-accredited universities at this time.

Cordially

Chad

(Cross-posted at Klownhaus)

28 Responses

  1. It all boils down to “personal lubricant”…I knew it.

    Good morning, and BTW, over 300 comments in the previous thread…not nice.

  2. Very good, that proactive “satire” designation. I’m just not sure that people know what satire is anymore.

    Have you seen the ABC poll showing McCain at 72% on the “will make a good Commander-in-Chief” question? Barry is in deep trouble.

    Tiime for Dave to send out another memo to the trolls!

    Thanks for starting my day off with a smile.

  3. morning all fuzzy was a little exausted yesterday and hit the ol’ rack at 630 pm also my allergies have been acting up. Time to get the Netty Pot out so I will be lurking and posting as I can….gotta go to work and keep the lights burning.

    Sorry missed cocktail party last night 373 comments sounds like it was a good time at the scratching post. These Axelfraud Memo’s ROLF LMAO are really funny.

    Saw my first Obambi for America not on a major network but on HGTV last night during Househunters…some one get me a vomit bucket like they cut and pasted in obambi on a Hillary advert. I guess this will be his outreach to the woman and LGBT community putting commercials on HGTV.

    thank goodness for the mute button!

    have a good day all,

    fuzzybeargville

  4. I sat here and *giggled*! 🙂

  5. Hilarious. hilarious, but not. This hits so close to home, it is hard to believe it is NOT true.
    hahaha

  6. Brilliant! Thanks for the smiles! 🙂

  7. Big Trouble On The Hill For Obama
    Hill Democrats Miffed at Obama

    After a brief bout of Obamamania, some Capitol Hill Democrats have begun to complain privately that Barack Obama’s presidential campaign is insular, uncooperative and inattentive to their hopes for a broad Democratic victory in November.

    “They think they know what’s right and everyone else is wrong on everything,” groused one senior Senate Democratic aide. “They are kind of insufferable at this point.”

    Among the grievances described by Democratic leadership insiders:

    • Until a mailing that went out in the past few days, Obama had done little fundraising for Democratic candidates since signing off on e-mailed fundraising appeals for the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee and Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee immediately after securing the Democratic nomination.

    • Obama has sometimes appeared in members’ districts with no advance notice to lawmakers, resulting in lost opportunities for those Democrats to score points by appearing alongside their party’s presumptive presidential nominee.

    • The Obama campaign has not, until very recently, coordinated a daily message with congressional Democrats, leaving Democratic members in the lurch when they’re asked to comment on the constant back and forth between Obama and John McCain — as they were when Obama said earlier this month that he would “continue to refine” his Iraq policies after meeting with commanders on the ground there.

    • Coordination between the Obama campaign and the House and Senate leadership is so weak that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) — who will chair the Democrats’ convention in August — didn’t know of Obama’s decision to move his final-night acceptance speech from the Pepsi Center to Invesco Field until the campaign announced it on a conference call with reporters.
    http://countusout.wordpress.com/

  8. Hysterical!

  9. *PRRR!!!

    Great post, myiq2xu. Thanks for the funny lid-opener!

    Now off subject, but another must thank you to a very special PUMA.

    Dear SherryNC,
    Been to my parents, but before that I took the time to save some entries for later. Catching up on my, by now, must read favorite blog, yesterday came across Friday’s Fundraising Fest and your beautiful offer. I’m not ashamed to confess that your deed made cry. What a kind soul you are. God bless.

    Another person who was with me as I was trying to get her to pounce and become part of the neat folks at the Confluence was my aunt (a closet PUMA whom, according to her, is ready to leave her lurking around these shores and jump in with both feet—her pen name is ungatosucio—hope to see her posting soon). Anyway she, too, was as touched as I was.

    What can I say, besides a HUGE THANK YOU!???

    Must leap now (my little kitten is stirring and a guest will be with us until the end of this week), but I’ll get in touch with you as soon as I can. Not just because of the offer but because you must be a PUMA with wings!

    *PUMAS Rock, Rule, and Roar!!!

  10. LOL . Thanks myiq2xu for your investigative piece of journalism 😉

    What Obots do when they are offline :
    http://theurf.wordpress.com/2008/07/05/offline-box-forums/

  11. This was priceless, myiq – and I LOVE the winking PUMA. Beautifully done! 🙂

  12. off topic–but last night a Jill Iscol from together4us.com was on tv and saying that she had a conversation with BO where he stated that he’s considering HC on the ticket, but the only thing holding him back was Bill. She was excited and told him that she would “bring an army with her” to help him win. She wants feedback from HC supporters at her site. I’m thinking he’s getting desperate and nervous and is putting out feelers to see what he has to do to win. We should let him know it won’t work!!

  13. What part of it’s all about him didn’t his minons in congress get?
    There are only there to glorify him and make there states part of his dominion.
    They are to shutup and raise funds for him. When he gets around to it and finishs his waffles he will drop a frw bucks into the pot for them.
    They are not to speak until he tells them what to say..
    Damn they are dumb.

    COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY ALWAYS

    PUMA RULES

  14. At first I thought it was for real. Then I saw the humor. Then I began to appreciate that this was pretty much close to the truth to some extent. Funny piece!

  15. Hillarious! Only thing is it’s so true it hurts! Both from the reality and the laughing makes my cheeks hurt too!

    CQ

  16. That Bastard Axelrod.

    That’s two on Jackson’s list, no?

    So this must be what Chicago Politics look like…and California and NJ–well, that would be 3 of us, no? Pumas will go directly for the jugular now. That bastard. I’m going to cross post this and the other. I don’t even believe it RD. You know, I want you guys to read the New Yorker piece…long, but when you see the who, how and what of it, you’ll know. One sick puppy.

    http://www.newyorker.com/

  17. HAHAHA!!!!!

    MYIQ2XU, you NAILED IT!!!

    OMG, and especially after that nasty troll from last night, even believe it more.

  18. You know what’s sicker than Obama and his inflated ego? The sad little puppies that follow along behind him wagging their tails like domesticated animals.

    Even when he kicks them out of his way and all but tells them that what they want and what they think is totally irrelevant to him, they still tag along.

    “We don’t like what you’re doing or saying but we’ll vote for you anyway”, they say. Wow, there’s some leverage for ya. “Do what we say or we’ll vote for you anyway”. Simple-minded is far to kind a word for these folks.

    Are Americans, the reputedly sturdy, staunch independent people such ninnies? Do they need a hero so much they will build one out of talking points and blather? Are their tiny little minds so filled with trivialities that any one that can read a fairly good speech off a teleprompter is now the “ONE”.

    Of course they do have an excuse, Oprah told them so.

  19. CNN’s, WAPO’s MSNBC, Neweeks boyz club and people like KOS received other perks like acting out their mommy or pretty girl wouldn’t look at me or girl dumped them anti social repressed traumas. Axelrod’s code dumb it down keep, it short and call someone or some group names always exploit identity groups grievance code when O is down in the polls ala New Yorker play victim, perfect for the all male fart joke WAPO, Newsweek, MSNBC triage trash.

  20. Wow, there’s some leverage for ya. “Do what we say or we’ll vote for you anyway”.

    When said by women, this is remarkably like, “If only I were more submissive, ny husband wouldn’t feel the need to beat me. It’s my fault, really.”

    It reminds meof the ladies’ auxiliaries of those Promise Keeper organizations who would say things like, “The only hope for women is to find a good man and submit to him!” Word for word, seriously.

    “If we stick up for ourselves and refuse to vote Democratic, the party will never want to take us eriously again!” they whine now. “Our only hope as women is to find the least violent, hateful party and submit ourselves to it!”

  21. Exactly Janis. Because we can all see that the submissive thing has worked so well for us thus far.

    The truth is, if women, all women and the wonderful men that support them, refused to countenance the misogyny and corruption of the Democratic Party said party would be forced to stop their bad behavior. Acceptance of misbehavior is enabling misbehavior.

  22. So they only want people from “nationally-accredited universities.” A state college has to be accredited. I thought all accrediting was done on a regional level, e.g., New England States, Mid-Atlantic States, etc.

  23. Heheh. That made me giggle, even though I’m sure it’s painfully close to the truth.

    Was talking to my best friend this past weekend and asked if she’d heard about the latest crap Obama had pulled. She said, “No, I try not to read anything about him, I’m sick of him.” She actually made the decision not to vote for him before I did, way back when the first news about TUCC started to circulate. Unfortunately (in my opinion), she’s voting for McCain instead. She doesn’t really think any other option is viable. I get that it’s her choice, I just hate seeing good people voting Republican. It’s bad enough that my mom does it.

    But anyway, my point is that we were sitting on the subway and I was telling her about PUMA and when I said the word “PUMA” I saw a woman sitting a few seats behind us whip her head around and then look away really fast. So either she’s one of us but wasn’t sure if she’d heard right and didn’t want to seem to be obviously listening in, or she’s one of those poor ‘bots who still thinks Obama is the bestest thing ever. I tend to uniformly loathe the male Obamabots, but sometimes I still feel a bit of pity for the female ones. As Janis said above, and as has been noted many times, the Democratic party/the Obama campaign and the women (and other groups who deserve better than being shoved to the back of the line) who still support them have fully embraced the abuser/abused pattern. My husband noticed it with no prompting from me months ago, and he saw his mother in that situation as a child, so it was something he recognized. It’s really sad to see this happening.

  24. We have been media blogger/boated…

    This guy is for distortion and media censorship! WOW…the proof is in the e-mail…must have dropped and run when they felt betrayed over the FISA vote.

    That Flipper Obama is all POLITICIAN!

  25. Fantastic tale! Nothing in the world will convince me this is not real!

  26. @ UpstateNY, on July 15th, 2008 at 6:15 am Said:
    It all boils down to “personal lubricant”…I knew it.

    Now, now. It is unseemly of you to bring up what goes on between Obama, Pelosi, Hoyer, Reid, and Dean in the privacy of their own stall.

  27. If Obama wins, we’ll all need personal lubricant.

  28. myiq2xu

    He’s not that slick? ^^

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