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What About Bush? A Play in One Final Act.

[BUMPED, by katiebird]

THE SCENE: The Oval Office. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH is absent from the seat behind the desk. VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY squats there instead, toad-like, hands folded on his stomach, chin down, snoring gently. A large box on the desk reads: “DC TRANSLATOR – PUSH RED BUTTON TO ACTIVATE.” There is a comfy-looking sofa on one side of the desk, and a couple of wing chairs rest on the other side.

The clock on the wall reads 8:59. It’s morning, and the windows are full of light.

The clock hits 9:00. BUSH enters through a side door, wiping a little extra powder from under his nose.

BUSH [walking over to CHENEY, amped]: Woo-hoo! [shakes CHENEY awake] That was some good shit, Dick. Paraguay again?

CHENEY: [grouchy] Grrrmmm-mmrrrm-prrrrmmmm! [CHENEY only speaks in sneers and mumbles.]

BUSH: God bless it, I forgot again. [presses red button on DC translator] Say what, Dick?

CHENEY: I said, no, that’s prime shit from Colombia. They’re upping their production lately.

BUSH: [crossing to sofa next to desk and lying on it, hands crossed behind his head] Well, shit, freedom isn’t free.

CHENEY: [rolling eyes] Sure, George, whatever you say. [brief, awkward pause]

BUSH: [fidgeting nervously] Heh-heh. Say, where’s Bolty with my daily briefing? You know how I hate it when people are late.

[JOSH BOLTEN, Bush’s Chief of Staff, enters through another door.]

BOLTEN [nervous]: H-h-hello, Mr. President. Mr. Vice President. I apologize for my inexcusable lateness, but there was a gas leak on my street, some houses exploded, and well, my wife and kids are dead. I had to make a few arrangements. [The clock on the wall still reads 9 am.]

BUSH: Gosh, that’s terrible, Bolty. I hope you know that your wife and kids died as heroes. We’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here! [Bush smiles expectantly. Awkward pause again.]

BOLTEN: Uh, thanks, Mr. President. That was, um, very inspirational.

BUSH: Of course it was! Now, just give me my briefing, and you can have the rest of the day off for the memorial service and golfing.

BOLTEN: G-g-golfing, sir?

BUSH: Sure! That’s what my parents did when my little sister died. Isn’t that what everyone does? Help me out here, Dick?

CHENEY [rolling his eyes]: Mrrrmmmm-hmphmmm-grmmmm!

BOLTEN: Darned thing! Here, let me, Mr. President. [crosses to desk, hits Cheney translator a couple of times, presses the red button again]

BUSH: Heh-heh. Never mind, we’ll catch you on the other side, Dick-o. So anyway, Bolty, how’s Operation Loose End going?

BOLTEN: [cheering up a bit] Excellente, sir! [His Spanish accent is impeccable.]

BUSH [threatened]: Say what now?

BOLTEN [contritely]: Oh, I apologize for my poor pronunciation, sir. I mean [butchering the word] excellente! [sits in one of the wing chairs next to the desk]

BUSH [relieved]: Oh. Okay then! So, we finally got that asshole Maliki to open the gates? [CHENEY smirks widely.]

BOLTEN: Yessir, that mission is accomplished. Iraq’s oil leases are ready for the taking.

CHENEY: Heckuva job, Georgie! Thank Halliburton that no one was able to get access to my secret energy meeting minutes before we invaded Iraq.

BUSH: Heh-heh. Yeah, Dick-o, wouldn’t have been too good if the American people knew how you guys were already divvying up the pot back in Oh-One, now, would it? [All three snicker knowingly.]

BUSH: All right, Bolty, what other good news ya got for me?

BOLTEN: Well, sir, now that the North Koreans are no longer on the Axis of Evil – good job there, Mr. President – we’ve only got two countries left to invade. Which one should we bomb?

[BUSH looks helplessly at CHENEY.]

CHENEY: Do you need to go to the bathroom again, George?

BUSH: [getting up and pacing] No, no, waitaminute, I know this one – the other countries are, Iraq and Lebanon, right?

BOLTEN: Very close, sir! Mr. Vice President, can you show the President the chart again? I updated it myself after the good news from Kim-Jung Il.

[CHENEY sighs dramatically, then stands up laboriously, pulling down a chart from above the President’s desk. The chart looks like this.]

BUSH [squinting dubiously]: Oh, yeah! I remember those guys. Thanks, Bolty! [sits down in a wing chair next to BOLTEN, who gazes at BUSH adoringly] So, who do you think we should bomb, Dick-o?

CHENEY: Well, George, you know, I think we shouldn’t bomb either of them now. We’ve got the oil leases. Let’s just kick back and celebrate your glorious successes until they inaugurate McCain in 2009.

BUSH: You, uh, seem pretty confident that McCain is gonna win this thing. What about this guy Obambo?

BOLTEN: That’s Obama, sir. Barack Obama.

BUSH: Barack a-What-a? Jeezus Christmas, what a crazy name. Anywho, Fristy and Boney tell me the Democrats are gonna cream ’em in Congress in November. They’re so depressed, they’re thinking of spending time with their families, if ya know what I mean.

BOLTEN: They must be depressed, sir – have you seen their families? [All three chortle manfully.]

BUSH: Seriously, guys – I’m a little nervous that after the new President comes in, they might do that impeachment thing to me and Dick. I mean, if that idiot Kerry had been elected in 2004, we would have started impeachin’ him in February of Oh-Five!

CHENEY: The Democrats won’t win this one, George. Obama has, shall we say, religious problems. You know, that “God Damn America” guy? And he launched his Senate career from a terrorist’s doorstep.

BUSH: Terrorists? Where? Freedom is on the march!!! [awkward silence]

BOLTEN [jumping in]: Yes, sir, it sure is! Anyway, what the Vice President is saying, is that the Democrats nominated the one guy who couldn’t win this year. The Democratic base doesn’t like him, and he’s managed to piss off a lot of people so much that they started their own movement.

BUSH: Oh yeah – that PUMA stuff. Can you believe that some morons think those PUMA idiots are Republicans? We wouldn’t stand for that shit in our house, would we Turd Blossom?

[KKKARL ROVE steps out from behind a curtain.]

ROVE: No, we sure wouldn’t. The idiots in our party wanted Huckabee. We put a stop to that crap right away.

I agree with Dick. The Democratic Party won’t win the White House in November. We’ve got our ads all ready to go – we’re just waiting in case the Democrats come to their senses and nominate Hillary.

BUSH [flinching]: Jeezus, TB, don’t bring up that bitch’s name to me. I have nightmares about her sitting in this office and destroying everything we’ve done! My legacy could be in ruins! No more signing statements. No more torture. No more warrantless wiretapping. No more tax breaks for our friends and family. She could make the middle class strong again, and then who’d vote for us? And you know she is just DYING to impeach our butts. [pause]

Gimme a drink, Dick. [CHENEY reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels. BUSH takes a long swig out of the bottle and puts it down on the desk.] Whoooo-ee, that’s the stuff. Sorry for the freak-out, boys, but that woman scares the shit out of me.

[All three others in unison]: Me too!

BUSH: All right, Karl, you can go back behind the curtains again. You’re not supposed to be here, ya know.

ROVE: Right you are, George. [obeys]

BOLTEN: [clearing throat] Okay, so, to summarize, everything’s great, no threats on the horizon, and you’re set for a clear landing in January.

CHENEY: I’ll drink to that! [swigs from the same bottle as BUSH] You can go now, Josh. [BOLTEN salutes, then leaves the office.]

BUSH: [going back to the couch] Hey, Dick – you got any more of that stuff you gave me before? I gotta go clear Condi’s brush. Heh-heh.


27 Responses

  1. Madamab,

    A masterpiece — if not Tony material, certainly an Obie.
    Well done — I’m still giggling — “Very inspirational,” “Of course it was…” Great!

  2. Hee hee hee! Thanks, Prolix!

    As long as I don’t get a Razzie, I’m good. LOL

  3. The best satire always reflects reality — it’s sad and criminal how close to reality this really is.

  4. Ah, it looks like my timing was off. Everyone to the cocktail party!

  5. madamab….you are the busy one!! Thanks for another entertaining piece…glad you have found a place for your posts….one that is not so constrictive/restrictive/squelching dissent….you go girl!

  6. So scary that is is probably true !!! Cheny cousins with barry – that’s scary too. Apple – Tree as the ole saying goes.

  7. Hello PssttCmere!! Remember me? I am so happy to find you here…..Its so much better here with Riverdaughter, isn’t it!

  8. Another hit for madamab!

  9. Madamab!!!!

    Truly flawless – masterpiece indeed!!!

  10. Are they voting on FISA tonight or tomorrow? We need to take names of those Dems who vote Yes. Had C-Span on earlier but they are now on break.

  11. Oh, pardon me Madamab! I should have written “This play is hysterical!!” Thank you!

  12. Thanks, everyone! 🙂

  13. Cate: Of course, I remember you. Nice to see you…and you are correct…this is much better and I can say anything I fucking please 🙂

  14. Are you SURE this isn’t an actual transcript??

    Good job!

  15. Tee-hee! Thanks Northwest rain!

    I am cursed (or blessed) with empathy and an overactive imagination. 😉

  16. madamab: I am telling you, this comes right off the pages of the New Yorker! You are amazing and so funny. Love it!

  17. Thanks, Pat Johnson! Right back at you. You were killing me last night!

  18. madamab,

    Bravo! I love the translator.

    Did you get home safely last night?

  19. joaniebone – Thanks to your walking me to my car. I was staggering a little. Rico makes ’em strong.


  20. Riverdaughter,

    It would be great to see a post on how the convention nomination works, how and who of the defeated candidates in the last number of elections were on the ballot (i.e. Dean) and how they can or cannot keep Hillary off the ballot. Also, is it all the delegates who do the first vote or just pledged.

    It’s just not clear to explain to people why this is a big deal to take her name off the ballot.

  21. RD-
    “It would be great to see a post on how the convention nomination works, how and who of the defeated candidates in the last number of elections were on the ballot ”

    I second that!

  22. Satire rules…
    stop on by and see some more.

  23. We have officially started the Fundraiser on the next blog.

    If you got it – give, If you don’t got it – and want to give anyone your place in history is already reserved!

    Please donate, post the details starting on the next blog. I am running the totals. (Please make sure it is to retire the debt.)

    PUMA$ Who Love Hillary and Can Donate!

    Linda has started us with a hefty $100……….

    (Great Play!)

  24. Thanks, Carol! Will do…

  25. I love your plays!!!

    I was in a thrift shop last week and bought Kitty Kelley’s unauthorized biography of the Bush Family (39 cents, what the heck). I started reading it the other day (a little at a time, it’s not the kind of thing you can read straight through) and had just read about them playing golf when their daughter died. in all fairness, it did seem kinda like a grief reaction; still, it was very weird, particularly for a family in the public eye. Barbara Bush also skipped her mother’s funeral at about the same time. strange people. anyway, funny that I just read about that and you used it in a play!

    thanks……I enjoy and look forward to your writing!

  26. Love this! Late to the party, but still enjoyed it.

    Your posts, madamab, are the best!

  27. “For those who wish to stay together in a long term commitment to the ideals and principles that Hillary Clinton has spent a lifetime promoting, http://Together4Us.com offers access for activists, funders, students, policy-makers and ordinary people to come together in support of each other and their goals for America. Please come to our website and join, use the code below to put our linked logo on your website and distribute our message and this code to all your network. Spread the word. We will be happy to put up a reciprocal link, your own co-branded web page on our site, or your own blog.

    Thanks so much,
    Gretchen Glasscock,

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