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If buying a gun in Texas were as easy as getting an abortion

Imagine the legislation…

The buyer would have to go to an approved gun dispensary.  The dimensions of the dispensary would be strictly regulated and the dispensary might end up in a seedy part of town in an unmarked building.  The gun dispensary owner would not be allowed to advertise. Because the regulations would be difficult to meet, there would be less than a handful of dispensaries legally licensed to sell firearms.  A person from Amarillo might have to drive to Galveston to get one.

The free speech rights of anti-gun protestors would be protected.  Prospective gun buyers would not be shielded from protestors petitioning or discouraging the buyer from purchasing a gun as long as the protestors do not approach within a certain number of feet from the buyer and refrain from touching the buyer.

It would be illegal for anyone to refer the buyer to a gun dispensary. However, it would not be illegal for an anti-gun organization to masquerade as a gun dispensary for the purposes of shaming the prospective buyer or talking him or her out of buying a gun.  No exceptions to this advice rule would be made for hunters or other people who may have a specific use for guns that does not include the potential for shooting people.

The gun dispensary owner would need to provide proof of education in the types and uses of firearms.  A degree from an accredited university would be the only proof accepted.  He or she would need to be licensed for each type of firearm.  An assault weapons ban might mean that the buyer would have to travel to one of the few places in the country that sells them to get one.

Prospective buyers would be required to undergo mandatory counseling on the use and effect of firearms.  The buyer would not be able to opt out of this counseling.  If the buyer still wants to buy a gun after the counseling, he or she would need to sign a form certifying that they are aware of the dangers of the use of firearms and that using them may cause lifelong emotional damage and sexual impotence to the user.

During the counseling session, the seller will show the buyer photographs of gun shot victims.  The victims will be shown with their heads blown off and their bellies eviscerated.  The emotional anguish of gunshot victims’ families will also be shown in visual and auditory form.  No compensatory images of poor hunters feeding their families will be permitted.  The audio and video portion of the presentation must be intrusive enough to be unavoidable to the prospective buyer.

After the presentation, the gun seller will read the consent form to the buyer again and ask the buyer to affirm that they are aware of all of the dangers associated with the purchase of a gun.  The seller will also be required to discuss alternatives to firearms, such as compound bows, boomerangs, snares and vegetarianism.  There will be an emphasis on vegetarianism to ensure that the teachings of certain religions are promoted with the acquiescence of the state.  Adherence to Hindu or other plant based religions would not be necessary for the buyer, only recognition and understanding of the deep ethical philosophy behind religious vegetarianism.

No exceptions would be made to save the health or life of the buyer.  Medical reasons for hunting, such as a prescribed Caveman Diet to prevent intestinal inflammation of a debilitating nature due to celiac disease, or the existence of a restraining order from a abusive spouse, would not be acceptable excuses for failing to attend the mandatory counseling session or meeting all of the other requirements before obtaining the gun.

There will be a mandatory 72 hour waiting period to give the buyer an opportunity to change his or her mind.

It would be illegal for the counseling to take place over the phone or the internet.

After the waiting period is complete, the buyer would be required to return to the gun dispensary for the mandatory rectal examination of the prostate with an ultrasound device.  The purpose of this examination is to determine the state of the prostate prior to gun purchase and to assure that the buyer understands the risk to his sexual health.  A similar examination will be made of a woman’s rectum for no good reason but if she is engaged in buying a gun, she has already given her consent to an anal probe.

After this examination, the gun buyer would be allowed to purchase the gun and go on his or her merry way, provided walking is still possible.

The above regulations would not be considered intrusive or burdensome to your 2nd amendment right to bear arms.

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23 Responses

  1. Brava, RD!

  2. Awesome post RD!

  3. If they required a high school diploma or a GED to get a hand gun in Texas…no one would have one there.
    PKC

    • Now, now, there are plenty of well educated people in Texas. It’s just that smart doesn’t always make you wise, unselfish or kind.
      Nor does it guarantee a sense of irony.

  4. Brilliant, riverdaughter! Brilliant! Have you been reading Jonathan Swift?

    • No, did he write one like this?

      • One of the greatest satirists and essayists ever. If Swift were alive today (instead of in the 17th century), he would certainly have agreed with me about your razor sharp piece on our country’s goonish (ghoulish?) gun culture and its anti-abortion absurdity. Keep up the good work!

        • {{snort!!}}
          I *know* who Jonathan Swift is. I read A Modest Proposal and Gulliver’s Travels in high school. You must be new here. ;-)
          I was referring to the blogger Jon Swift.

          • Of course you know.. You couldn’t be as smart as you are and not have heard of Jonathan Swift or read him. I, on the other hand, have never heard of Jon Swift, the blogger. Is he as sharp as you? Again, keep up the good work…As Sergei Diaghalev reportedly said to Jean Cocteau: Étonne-moi!!

          • Flattery will get you everywhere.

  5. Hammer, nail, bang! :D

  6. This is brilliant.

  7. Or if you had to go to a Specially Designated 2nd Amendment Zone. A Chained Linked area…..

  8. How about the right to keep and bear atom bombs? :twisted:

  9. Apple pie and a murderous rage that seethes  just below the surface of society

    “People from most other parts of the industrialized world find the American proliferation of guns shocking,” columnist Gail Collins observed. She neglects to mention, however, that the differences between the U.S. and the rest of the economically developed world are far more profound than can be captured in the single issue of gun control.
    -Professor of philosophy, M.G. Piety

    Rugged Individualism

    What is rugged Individualism? Rugged Individualism (Frontier culture in America) was first presented as an important historical event at a meeting of the World Congress of Historians held in Chicago in the summer of 1893. A young professor from the University Wisconsin named Frederick Jackson Turner read his social analysis entitled “The Significance of the Frontier in American History.” In it, he told Americans they were a rugged, self-made race of men, forged in adversity through the pioneering experience, reborn and purified into a breed unique on earth. 

    Herbert Hoover, From his “Rugged Individualism Speech” (October 22, 1928)

    “When the war closed, the most vital of issues both in our own country and around the world was whether government should continue their wartime ownership and operation of many [instruments] of production and distribution.  We were challenged with a… choice between the American system of rugged individualism and a European philosophy of diametrically opposed doctrines ­ doctrines of paternalism and state socialism.  The acceptance of these ideas would have meant the destruction of self-government through centralization… [and] the undermining of the individual initiative and enterprise through which our people have grown to unparalleled greatness.”

    Professor Piety:

    The real difference, or the distinction that makes a difference, is that the wealth in the other economically developed countries is less polarized. (see James Gilligan, M.D.’s Violence: Reflections on a National Epidemic on the relation between wealth inequality and violence). These countries have extensive social welfare systems that in many instances have eliminated poverty and have provided free higher education and free health care. My point is not that these countries tend to have a better handle on just who is mentally ill and what kind of treatment they need. My point is much broader than that.
    It’s that these societies are more humane. When you know that no calamity that could possible befall you would cause you to end up destitute on the street, that no illness or educational ambition could bankrupt you or indenture you for the rest of your life and that the reason you don’t have to worry about these things is that your neighbors, your fellow citizens, are deeply committed to the view thatno one should have to worry about these things–well, that makes you feel pretty good about humanity, pretty happy to be a part of it.

    Norway had a highly publicized mass murder last year, but part of what made it so disturbing to Norwegians was how unprecedented it was. Norwegians, unlike Americans, are not used to mass murders. Life in Norway is pretty good. Life in Scandinavia in general is pretty good. Road rage, for example, is unknown there. I know. I lived there for eight years. Scandinavians take life a pretty leisurely pace and can afford to. They don’t become violent when someone, intentionally or unintentionally, cuts in front of them in a line. They don’t trample one another to death trying to get at a limited supply of deeply-discounted flat screen TVs. No murderous rage seethes just below the surface of society.

    http://www.counterpunch.org/2012/07/23/the-logic-of-limiting-violence/

  10. Brilliant RD
    I wish that you would cross post this in as many places possible.

    • If you like it, you have my permission to copy/paste with attribution.
      I need to get back to cleaning…

  11. Yes, RD, this is brill–and needs to go viral. Send to Ms.magazine, NOW and other formerly feminist organizations,

  12. Many of the points made in this article are already in place, some are straw man arguments and others are simply a display of the author’s ignorance.

    Approval- gun shop owners have to be licensed to sell firearms
    - Location- a straw man- guns shops and abortion clinics can be found in all sorts of neighborhoods and buildings and, in any event, their locations are not, and would not be dictated by legislation. And, since not all communities have gun shops, people do have to drive to other communities to buy
    - Advertising- abortion clinics are permitted to promote their services online

    http://www.yellowpages.com/dallas-tx/free-abortion-clinic

    http://www.reproductiveservicessa.com/24-hour-information.htm

    - it’s not clear why guns shop owners would be allowed to do advertise in a similar fashion

    Difficulties in meeting regulations
    - another straw man
    - Health care service providers have to meet facility standards that are, in part, set nationally.
    - Those standards, while stringent in some respects, are no more difficult to meet as those for other health care providers such as labs, doctors offices, hospitals and pharmacies. Gun shops, like restaurants or hair salons, have standards that are appropriate to their activities.

    Free Speech
    - there are no constitutional constraints on anti-gun protestors and, despite 30 minutes searching online, I could find no examples of prohibitions on such speech in Texas. If there are examples of prohibitions, or protests against gunshots at all, I would appreciate the references
    - Furthermore, there are limitations on protests against abortion clinics- 1994′s Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act (or FACE Act) has been employed against excessive protesting, specifically against a Texas man who threw his body across the reception area in a San Antonio, Texas, clinic.
    “It would be illegal for anyone to refer the buyer to a gun dispensary”
    - assuming that this means it’s against Texas law to make referrals to abortion clinics… not the case. See Teenlink Houston http://www.teenlinkhouston.org/pregnancy.htm
    “not be illegal for an anti-gun organization to masquerade as a gun dispensary”
    - ridiculous on its face
    - it isn’t illegal to do this in Texas or anywhere else.

    Gun dispensary owner would need to provide proof of education in the types and uses of firearms
    - see licensure.

    A degree from an accredited university would be the only proof accepted- in what way does this apply to abortion clinic owners?
    - what kind of accreditation and why is it relevant to this argument?
    He or she would need to be licensed for each type of firearm
    - they are.

    Mandatory counseling on the use and effect of firearms
    - this is called gun safety training and it is recommended
    - it is mandatory for concealed carry permits some types of required

    Sign a form certifying that they are aware … that using them [firearms] may cause lifelong emotional damage and sexual impotence to the user
    - is there any proof that these risks exist? If so, fine.

    The seller will show the buyer photographs of gun shot victims
    - not a bad idea, although I think that having such material in a gun shop would be criticized by gun control advocates as glorifying gun use or “gun porn”- your choice.

    Audio and video portion of the presentation must be intrusive enough to be unavoidable to the prospective buyer
    - how about just showing “Scarface” or “The Wild Bunch” in constant rotation on video screens
    After the presentation, the gun seller will read the consent form
    - check, just put it on the application

    The seller will also be required to discuss alternatives to firearms, such as compound bows, boomerangs, snares and vegetarianism
    - fine, many gunshops do sell archery equipment, the others are another business opportunity

    No exceptions would be made to save the health or life of the buyer
    - check

    The existence of a restraining order from a abusive spouse, would not be acceptable excuses for failing to attend the mandatory counseling session or meeting all of the other requirements before obtaining the gun.
    - check
    - although the greatest percentage increases in guns nationwide occur among females, and black females in particular (see below under recommendations for prostate/ rectal examinations)

    There will be a mandatory 72 hour waiting period to give the buyer an opportunity to change his or her mind.
    - Not a bad idea
    - this is the case in many other states

    It would be illegal for the counseling to take place over the phone or the internet.
    - check

    After the waiting period is complete, the buyer would be required to return to the gun dispensary for the mandatory rectal examination of the prostate with an ultrasound device
    - useless, in 2011 nearly 22% or firearms sales in Texas are to females (Texas Department of Public Safety), and, as far as I know the closest thing they have to the prostate is a G-spot

    A similar examination will be made of a woman’s rectum for no good reason but if she is engaged in buying a gun, she has already given her consent to an anal probe
    - Is the author making the argument that the pelvic ultrasound examination is punitive? or somehow unique to Texas?
    - Wrong on both counts- transvaginal ultrasound is used to make sure that there is an intrauterine pregnancy prior to performing the abortion. This is the standard of care in all of the 50 states.

    Final Point
    - If the author has had an ultrasound that made walking difficult, she should go to another abortion clinic.

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