Shitzengiggles Open Thread

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I discovered a funny site called “Texts From Last Night.”  It consists of copies of text messages – some by themselves and some with responses – submitted by men and women, most of whom seem to be about college age.

I should warn you that some are disgusting, obscene and/or offensive, but many are hilarious.  Here’s a few reprintable samples:


(812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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(301): saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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(816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because ‘mom’ and ‘molly’ are next to each other in my address book.
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(251): Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
(1-251): Why are you in my underwear drawer?
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(215): saw you walking with that piece of shit
(267): and that piece of shit just read that
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(515): Well, I’m a guy so I don’t have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
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(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no….. but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I’m fat or you’re cheating on me
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(773): My landlord doesn’t knock anymore when he shows the apt… So i just had sex in front of a family.
(1-773): didn’t stop?
(773): naw, they were rude, not me.
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(515): …there is blood under my fingernails.
(515): …I hope my roomates are okay.
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(204): My cousin’s wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
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(267): Singing into hair straightener during spice girls….sooo dangerous
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(905): My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won’t even look at me.
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(780): Did we use protection last night?
(1-780): Um, no…keep in touch, okay?
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(678): He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that’s exactly how it went.
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(702): He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
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(443): shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don’t tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won’t be all eaten.
(610): wrong number but thanks


What’s made you laugh recently?

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29 Responses

  1. Here’s one that could be me:

    (414): filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

  2. (773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
    (773): You spelled “worthless” wrong.

  3. I really, REALLY, like the first one that you listed. And yes it was mean but I bet oh so satisfying.

    • There was another one that said something like “Waking up to my ex-bf crying on the phone is the best way to start the day”

      • You get the sense from these posting’s that perhaps the breakups were due to bad s#x and that the best revenge is revaling in the great s#x that they are having now.

  4. As I browse & read here whenever I get a chance, I enjoyed the visual on the “women you take the responsibility and finally defeat the patriarchy” opinion you posted (apparently last night). Loved your opinion, as I have always felt and acted that way too, but laughed heartily at the “Being an asshole is part of my manly essence” divine truth.

  5. 15 seconds of fame?

  6. Oops:

    (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
    (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

  7. haha! Great stuff! I have found that honesty ~ being honest, and open as well as demonstrating it, and then asking for it from others, has resulted in extending my lifespan by 10 years more than likely, due to the laughs alone. The past week has been exceptionally hilarious professionally, as I skewer management and it’s collaborators mercilessly, relentlessly, for my colleagues. Colleagues are not spared much either, nor am I, but that is all in good fun, while I save the gnarly nuclear burn for the destroyers and their implementers.

    I am thinking that the macro application of harsh reality oriented honesty, snarkasm, and teaching the world that we can save ourselves if we instinctively reject manipulation, and develop an open-eyed distrust of symbology, branding and camaigning, political and commercial.

    Carry On, Let’s Tear It Up!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

  8. heh, another unreadable comment, not sorry though :)

    say, was wondering… is there supposed to be something wrong with “disgusting, obscene and/or offensive”??? I guess I am so damaged now, I cannot tell the differences anymore.

  9. Do you know what’s really hilarious?

    Having my “manhood” questioned by somebody I punked so bad the WATB ran home to get his mommy to defend him.

    After losing round two to the petulant clown, the tag-team duo called Riverdaughter in the middle of the night to whine.

    After that failed, he tucked his tail between his legs and scurried over to the Failbot Forum where the Blogstalkers welcomed him with a pity party.

    On second thought, it’s not hilarious. It’s pathetic.

  10. Michael Gerson makes a darned good critique of Obama’s UN speech in the WaPo. I hated the empty rhetoric and Gerson has better reasons.

    All About Obama

    Obama’s rhetorical method in international contexts — given supreme expression at the United Nations this week — is a moral dialectic. The thesis: pre-Obama America is a nation of many flaws and failures. The antithesis: The world responds with understandable but misguided prejudice. The synthesis: Me. Me, at all costs; me, in spite of all terrors; me, however long and hard the road may be. How great a world we all should see, if only all were more like…me

    I don’t remember Obama being nailed as an all out narcissist in a major paper before.

  11. I check this one every few days or so:

    http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

    Some of them are so hilarious like:

    “I’m having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain’t mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil’ fucking umbrella in it”

    and

    “Here’s a strawberry, sorry for farting near you…Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that’s the deal.”

  12. Been through something like this before:

    “You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law.”

  13. Loudon Wainwright III’s “I Wish I Was A Lesbian”
    NOT SAFE FOR WORK! :mrgreen:

  14. I’m laughing so hard I am crying. Thanks so much. A great way to start the afternoon.

  15. I love you for this.

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