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Joe Francis buys Ms. Magazine

joe-francisms

Joe Francis announced today that he is purchasing Ms. magazine and he will make himself the new managing editor.   He said the unexpected purchase of the magazine was inspired by the cover of its Special Inaugural Issue.  He said “I saw that cover and I realized that if Barack Obama can be a feminist then so can I.” 

The 35 year-old Francis is  a self-made multi-millionaire who has launched the movie careers of 100’s of young women, some of them while they were still minors.  One of the aspiring young performers, Ashley Alexandra Dupré, later became involved in politics and played a intimate role in helping David Paterson become Governor of New York.

In 1997, at the age of 24, Francis founded Mantra Films, Inc. which combined independent filmmaking with infomercial marketing to become a media empire.  Francis and his film crews traveled the country looking for young women willing to show what they had to offer.

Francis said he plans to expand the Ms. readership by adding a monthly centerfold pictorial that will be called “Fem-babe of the Month”  He also said he wants to replace the current “dried up staff of writers with some perkier new talent.”   He added “The staff is bloated and their performance is sagging.  We need to cut the fat.”

To help him with managing the magazine, Francis said he is creating an Editorial Board that will include Phyllis Schafly (Women’s Rights)  Rick Warren (Reproductive Rights) Mark Foley (Children and Family) and Donnie McClurkin (LGBT Rights)

He announced that to increase sales Ms. has reached a joint agreement with the Church and Dwight company and they will be offering a free Trojan “Vibrating Touch” with every new subscription in a marketing campaign he called “Get the latest buzz from Ms.”

Francis said his next project will be acquiring and expanding the the “Hooters” restaurant chain (another ‘female-friendly’ employer) because “We need to see more Hooters.”

————————————————————————————

UPDATE:  An anonymous source at Ms. reports that Francis is in negotiations with Jim Newell and Ken Layne of Wonkette to take over as co-editors.  “They’re from Wonkette so they must be feminists” the source said.

————————————————————————————

UPDATE II:  Francis denied rumors he plans the change the magazine’s name to “Ms-ogyny”

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32 Responses

  1. GREAT POST woohooo Bwaaahhhaaa

  2. myiq, some jokes just write themselves. Then somebody comes along and writes them better.

  3. Swannie,

    Would you mind posting your photoshop of the cover again? I want to put it in the Scamalot window.

  4. LOL, that was so snarky, I had to read it 3 times just to make sure it was satire.

    Bah humbug, I am officially now bitter. As in acrid, astringent, and definitely disagreeable.

  5. The way things are going, I actually fell for this when I saw it on Klownhaus.
    Then I read someone’s list on another thread of MS editors-Robin, Gloria and Donna. Real horror.

  6. HAPPY to oblige :)

  7. Myiq … your post is true political satire … not the garbage that passes for same over at the wankerettes btw
    . perhaps you should teach a class ( insert neener neener here )

  8. Thanks Swannie!

  9. Fantastic post, myiq!

  10. MyIq, nicely done. I’m sure when Joe has time to think about it, he’ll turn over subscription fulfillment to ACORN.

  11. Swannie,

    I don’t see it there. How do I find it?

  12. Check out the updates!

  13. I just wanted to share the lyrics from a Foddershock song that i am sure bo and MSogyny magazine could appreciate

    I love FODDERSHOCK
    they advert themselves as
    ACOUSTIC APPALACHIAN DYSFUNCTIONAL FOLK ROCK
    and Corn on the Macabre

    check them out they rock

    http://www.foddershock.com/

    Lyrics to Biscuits and Gravy

    DONT CARE IF YOURE BLIND CRIPPLED CRAZY
    I STILL WANT YOU TA MAKE MY BISCUITS AND GRAVY
    I BREAK MY BACK ALL DAY ALL NIGHT
    IM A HUNGRY SUMBITCH WITH A BIG APPETITE
    PUT ONYA GLASSES AND GET THAT PAN
    TAKEYA MEDICATION AND FEED YORE MAN

    I DONT CARE IF YOURE ONE-LEGGED LAZY
    I STILL WANT YOU TA MAKE MY BISCUITS AND GRAVY
    I GET UP EARLY AND I MILK THE COW
    I WANTA HEAPIN HELPIN AND I WANT IT NOW
    ROLL UP YA BRITCHES AND GET THAT PEG
    HOP TO THE KITCHEN AND SHAKE YORE LEG

    I DONT CARE IF YOURE CAROL FRICKIN BRADY
    I STILL WANT YOU TA MAKE MY BISCUITS AND GRAVY
    I SWEAT ALL DAY IM GETTIN KINDA SKINNY
    SIX DAMN KIDS IS SIX TOO MANY
    FORGET ABOUT THE YOUNGINS THEY AINT EVEN MINE
    STICKEM IN THE BACK OF THE BISCUIT LINE

    I DONT CARE IF YOURE PUSHIN UP DAISIES
    I STILL WANT YOU TA MAKE MY BISCUITS AND GRAVY
    I FEED THEM HAWGS AND I PUT UP HAY
    WAKE UP BABY YOU CAN DIE ANOTHER DAY
    SIX FEET UNDER AINT NO ESCAPE
    WHEN THE DEVIL IS AWAITIN WITH AN EMPTY PLATE

    you know even an ACOUSTIC APPALACHIAN DYSFUNCTIONAL FOLK ROCK group gets it and MSogyny mag ………………….doesnt

  14. The porn industry also wants to be bailed out even though they don’t need the money

    Porn industry seeks federal bailout

    Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout.
    WASHINGTON (CNN) — Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

    “The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”
    —–

    Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

    http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/07/porn-industry-seeks-federal-bailout/

  15. h/t to Swanspirit for Update II

  16. THERE IT IS sorry bout that

  17. LOL Myiq on the old mp3.com I had a friend who went by
    Imkulardnu

    :) and he was LOLOLOL

  18. swanspirit:

    When I worked retail security back in college I had a name tag that said “U.R. Busted”

  19. Is this for real? Did he really buy up the magazine?

  20. Would I clown around about anything?

  21. Dear resident clown,

    This is hysterical! And . . . being a woman, I should know about hysteria. Like KendallJ, my first thought, through LOL, was: is this real? OMG. Then, realizing the source, kept on laughing.

  22. OK – I admit it. You had me until the Fem Babe of the Month – very clever writing!

  23. Oh man, between this, SOD’s post and the What’s An Obot? thread at No Quarter, my sides are hurting. Where’s my Aleve? I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

  24. LMMFAO! Good one, myiq!

  25. :twisted:

  26. Brilliant, MYIQ! You are a prize.

  27. myiq,

    I love the updates. LOL!

  28. The best line I have seen is that The Onion must be having a lot trouble developing stories becuase the “real” news is so far off the beam that nothing the Onion staff creates can top what O and his gang are doing.

  29. I never got to say this earlier but:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Perfection!!!

  30. Very Onion-esque.

  31. Sorry I’m so late to reading this. Brilliant, myiq.

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