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Jeebus Was a DFH Moonbat Librul

I was raised in one of those fundie churches.  I’m not gonna say which one, but we thought Baptists were gonna burn in Hell for having too much fun.

I stayed in that church from Pre-K to high school.  I left the church shortly after the preacher’s daughter took me out back and showed me the holy ghost and since then I’ve only been back for an occasional wedding.  But what I learned while I was there is a lot of the reason I’m a liberal.

I believe there once was a man who we know today as Jesus Christ, but it’s almost certain he was not born on December 25th 2008 years ago.  If you take the Bible literally then he wasn’t even born during the winter, otherwise the shepards wouldn’t have been “keeping watch over their flocks by night.”

He may have been a composite of two or more people, but someone (singular or plural) triggered a religious movement we now know as “Christianity.”  Whoever he was, his name wasn’t Jesus (Gee-zus) because that’s the anglicized version of Jesus (Hay-soos) that the Romans used as his name.  His real name was probably something more like “Yeshua.”

He wasn’t a blond, blue-eyed European either.  He was a Jew, and not the part-European kind, he was the full-blooded Semite type.  Jesus probably looked more like Yasser Arafat than Fabio.  When you consider that he was allegedly a carpenter who grew up hewing wood with hand tools, it’s unlikely he looked like the effeminate character we see in art.  I’m not making a sexist observation, I’m using the English language.   If Jesus was a carpenter, he would have looked a lot more like a Charles Atlas body builder than a 98 pound weakling.

The whole “born in a manger” meme is a bunch of hooey too.  The Romans did use the census to figure out how many subjects they had, but they could give a shit about where their subjects were born, they wanted to know where people lived.  The stuff in the New Testament about Bethlehem was just put there to “fulfill” a prophecy that the messiah would be born in the “City of David.”

The man we think of as Jesus was probably a Rabbi of the Essene sect of Judaism.  A big hint is that he was frequently critical of Sadducees and Pharisees, the two other major sects of Judaism of that era.  Dan Brown was correct that Jesus probably had a wife, whether it was Mary Magdalene or some other woman. Celibacy has never been part of Jewish dogma, they are into that whole “be fruitful and multiply” thing.  In fact, everything we know about Jewish law and custom of that era says that a respectable adult male in his thirties would be expected to be married.

 When I was young and dumb and full of shit I voted for Ronnie Raygun.  Part of the reason for that was that I grew up in a church that was hyper-conservative, and even after I left I carried that baggage with me.  But as I grew older I realized that Jesus was the original liberal.

If you look at the actual words and deeds of Jesus that are printed in the New Testament, there is no other possible conclusion.  He spent his time feeding the hungry and healing the sick, and he didn’t ask for money first. 

Jesus said a lot of things that don’t exactly conform to “Christian” doctrine.  First of all, Jesus preached about minding your own business.  He used the words “brother” and “neighbor” a lot (according to King James) but he used those words in the context of not concerning yourself with what your brother/neighbor was doing.

Matthew 7:5 says:

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

And then there was his position on capital punishment:

And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto Him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, They say unto Him, “Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the Law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest Thou?”

This they said, tempting Him, that they might have to accuse Him.

But Jesus stooped down, and with His finger wrote on the ground, as though He heard them not. So when they continued asking Him, He lifted up Himself, and said unto them, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” And again He stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

When Jesus had lifted up Himself, and saw none but the woman, He said unto her, “Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?”

She said, “No man, Lord.”

And Jesus said unto her, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

BTW – If they caught her in the act, where was the man she was “in the act” with?  Never mind, let’s move on.

Prayer in schools?

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

What about that Joel Osteen “greed is good” thingie?:

The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?
Jesus said unto him, “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.”
But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, “Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
“And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”

It goes on and on.  My reading of the Gospels says that Jesus would be in favor of universal health care, welfare and desegregation, and he would oppose pretty much all of the teachings of his loudmouthed so-called followers, especially the ones making lots of money spewing bigotry on television. 

I’m guessing the “Prince of Peace” wouldn’t approve of pre-emptive war, “enhanced interrogation” or domestic violence.  He said “Turn the other cheek” not “shock and awe.”

Jesus consistently spoke against a top-down rule-oriented version of religion, and instead taught that religion was about a personal and individualized relationship with God:

But when the Pharisees had heard that He had put the Sadducees to silence, they were gathered together.  Then one of them, who was a lawyer, asked Him a question, tempting Him and saying,  “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”

Jesus said unto him, “`Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like unto it: `Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’  On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

I didn’t see anything in the Gospels about hating women, gays or minorities.  If you have the right to get married, why shouldn’t everybody have that right?  If you don’t want to be abused or discriminated against, why would you want to abuse or discriminate against others?

It’s Christmas.  Spread His Word.

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48 Responses

  1. Jesus was one righteous Jew.
    Merry Christmas, myiq!

  2. Merry Christmas!

  3. BTW, If Jesus “wrote on the ground”, where is *his* gospel?? I’ve heard that the Vatican has a lot of sacred texts that will never see the light of day. How much you wanna bet there’s one that says, “Never trust those damn Roman priests. They ruin everything.”

  4. Amen Myiq2xu…

    I said it the other day on the board. If Jesus were still around, he’d be here at the Confluence with us, bitching about the hypocrisy and bastardization of His Word for so many greedy self-interests. His message was, as I said in my post last night, Love and be good to each other.

    Yep…Jesus would have been the consumate liberal- progressive. I’m certain PUMA would an approved activity also.

  5. BTW — great post! So when do the grandkids arrive?

  6. MyIq, whatever programing that church did, it did a mightily righteous job. We are all the better for it. Excellent post.

  7. SOD:

    Gandhi said:

    “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians”

  8. riverdaughter, on December 25th, 2008 at 8:40 am Said:

    BTW, If Jesus “wrote on the ground”, where is *his* gospel?? I’ve heard that the Vatican has a lot of sacred texts that will never see the light of day.
    ********
    “Lost Christianities” (The Battles for Scripture and the Faiths We Never Knew) by Bart Ehema
    *********
    “I believe there once was a man who we know today as Jesus Christ, but it’s almost certain he was not born on December 25th 2008 years ago.”
    **********
    The Roman census around that time was in May 04 BCE.
    ********

    *************

  9. myiq2xu, I think I’ve been converted. Excellent Christmas post.

  10. Nice job, myiq2xu!

    I’m reminded of the only time Jesus loses his cool, with the moneychangers in the temple. The bible has dozens of versus about not charging interest, about the evils of exploiting the poor by charging them for credit. I’ve been contemplating these things lately since nowdays the Moneychangers seem to be the ones running our country. Jesus would probably have a thing or two to say about this mess we find ourselves in. LOL, like “Duh, I tried to warn ya”.

    I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Stay warm and safe.

  11. yttik:

    I think the story about Jeebus driving the “moneychangers” from the temple is about his objection to anyone profiting from religion rather than his opinion on usury.

    I think he would be really pissed about the “mo’ money” televangelists like the one up on Saddleback mountain.

  12. I wonder what Jesus would think about the Reverend Wright.

  13. I thought you agreed to change your alias.

    It’s extra offensive today.

  14. Merry Christmas, Super Solstice, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza.

    I’m happy to be alive today.

    If you are bored and want some snark material google “pulpit pimps” and I promise you a good time.

    Love to all.

    A

  15. I just wrote on another site…beautiful…best yet. Now I see and read something that could top that. I love this article. What a blessing it would be to sit down and have a conversation with you. Hope your Christmas is a blessing.

  16. Who do you think finds it offensive? I’ll try to change it. Have to learn how to use computer.

    Are the Obamas at Reverend Wright’s God Damn America Church today?

  17. I find it offensive

  18. Come on back when you figure out how to change it.

  19. I am no longer God Damn Michelle Obama.

    Merry Christmas.

  20. If you missed them last night, enjoy the lights today, whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Chanukah, the Solstice of last weekend, Kwanzaa or simply enjoying your unadorned Festivus pole!!!

    5. The Heart of the Season: Celebrating the Season with Light…New Mexico Luminarias

    http://insightanalytical.wordpress.com/2008/12/24/5-the-heart-of-the-season-celebrating-the-season-with-lightnew-mexico-luminarias/

  21. Thank you

  22. Are the Obamas at Reverend Wright’s church today?

  23. DId anyone else see the program the other night exploring Jesus’ possible travels to India and his contact with Bhuddism?? It showed a picture, the oldest one of Jesus from that time, that has been passed down for generations.

    Fascinating!!!

  24. Yay!

    This just about sums it up. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

  25. Not unless he has a branch ministry in Hawaii

  26. Reverend Wright sermonized on Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky last Christmas. The ridin’ dirty speech.

  27. Oh, I was watching NY1 for a minute this morning and I saw some footage of Obama golfing.

    “Now, watch this drive” was all I could think about – and of course, the fact that he is a total dork in his baggy beige cargo shorts…

    How uncharitable of me, LOL!

  28. How come my Christmas avatar shows up at Not Your Sweetie but not here?

  29. myiq, you are at your best when you combine your wit with your love of history. In the sermon at last night’s Christmas Eve service, the minister (a woman, I’m pleased to say) reminded us that the angels made their big announcement to shepherds–just plain working folk, not the wealthy. So yes, I’m sure that Jesus would be leading a liberal third party today.

    Merry Christmas everyone.

  30. There’s a little seasonal entertainment for you all in a…

    New Post!!

  31. I’m seeing your Santa avatar myiq.

    BTW: Happy Jeebus’ birthday to those who celebrate it.

    WHERE DA PRESENTS?

  32. Fredster – Look upstairs! Got a nice gift for you!
    :-)

  33. That was lovely. There’s no paper outside today (Aghhhh) but the Confluence is the next best thing.

    Greetings and warmest wishes to all.

  34. Well, I am no Christian either and I have always felt that if one dares call themselves a Christian then they should actually follow the guiding principles of Jesus Christ. Not many do. Not many even try. I think many still think the Old Testament has relevance even though as a Christian Jesus’ teaching supposedly supercedes all the teachings that came before.

    And of course as for the original Liberal I am going to put one name out there: Siddhārtha Buddha

  35. Buddha was more of an anarchist.

  36. oh

    anarchist

  37. Outstanding post, myiq.

    As a former Southern Baptist, we envied the Pentacostal kids–at least they could dance in the spirit.

    I, too, left the church when I realized that their version of Jesus had nothing in common with the Jesus of the Bible.

    The Jesus I read about wasn’t a conquering king. He was a servant who washed others’ feet. He was a man who considered the widow’s mite the most extravagant donation to the temple, because it was all the money she had. He repeatedly violated racial and gender taboos, because he knew we were all equal in the eyes of God.

    My favorite story is the woman at the well. A Samaritan woman with less than stellar morals–and Jesus reached out to her. I love the part where she was shocked that Jesus even spoke to her. That’s the real Jesus–not the warped macho version the fundies worship.

    The only thing I miss about the fundies is the gospel music.

  38. Q: Why don’t Baptists make love standing up?

    A: They don’t want anyone to think they’re dancing.

  39. Great post MYIQ!

    I have missed you :)

  40. ;-)

  41. brilliant, myiq – reminds me of what my father used to say about Jesus, only he thought Jesus was the original socialist. My dad was raised in the Primitive Baptist church and found his way to a broader interpretation as an adult very similar to your path. Happy Holidays!

  42. Coming from a Christian woman with a liberal heart, I thank you.

  43. Lovely post, myiqux2.

    I like to think that if Jesus had been in San Francisco the day equal marriage became legal, he’d have set up his canopy in City Hall and yelled, “Jewish couples over here!”

    Just one quibble from a linguist–“Hay-soos” is Spanish (and I’ve actually seen it spelled that way by Anglos. Argggghhhh!) The Greek and Roman version was “Yay-soos,” written IESOUS in Greek. The “J” was a fairly late addition to the Roman alphabet–somewhere around the Middle Ages to deal with the French aspirated “g” sound we hear in Jean and Jacques.

  44. Myiq–Thank you for this.

  45. Okasha:

    I intentionally put minor errors in my posts just so no one will think I’m perfect.
    ;-)

  46. Myiq-one thing I read differently…

    I read that Jesus teaching was “love your enemy as thyself”
    instead of “love thy neighbor.” The teaching was that
    it is easy to love your neighbor (those most like you) but difficult
    to love an enemy (those you are most unlike.)

    If you read it that way it really changes the meaning IMO. If you
    see this, please let me know what you think.

  47. DJ – Jesus said both, though not exactly – “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who despitefully use you.”

  48. Elderj, If we all adopted that attitude the world would be a much better place. I fail miserably at it. I thought the Dem Party would be closer to that ideal. I was wrong.

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